Wednesday, April 29, 2009


I swear I have ADD. Anything..catches my attention. In the midst of talking to someone..if something loud attention diverts. it is horrible. I feel badly every time I do it but I just can't help it.

In other news, I am feeling optimistic. I do not know why but I think it may have something to do with a link I got the other day. For some reason, it made me jubilant. I am going to go with that feeling.

I received a really confusing and upsetting email the other day. I didn't really address the situation well. I think I just need to walk away from it. I feel horribly but its something that is not going to work and it hurts to much to think about.

I am attempting to figure out my life and where it is going. Possibilities await...I hope...

I want to do well in life..I just hope I do.

Friday, April 24, 2009

Hoping on a wing and a prayer...

I know that its been almost a year in one case and I know its been a few months in another case. a little hello wouldn't hurt...

oh well...

I am very tired. I have been working myself to the bone. I am not sure why I did this to myself. I guess I wanted to prove something to myself I don't know.

I want summer to bring me something..I am not sure what y et..but I am ready for something exciting in my life....I think for the first time I can say that...I am ready.

I feel I have grown so much over the past few months. I am a lady. I can do a lot and survive.

I just need something...I don't know what..

Wednesday, April 22, 2009


I am exhausted. I really should have thought more about taking on 2 jobs.

In other news, there isn't any other news.

I have been working..alot.

I did have a wondrous weekend. I spent time with people I enjoy and had new experiences. It was really fun.

It made me feel alive again. I know that is silly but, its good to get out and not study for a while. It rejuvenates you.

I tried to write poetry in class today and I was only mildly successful. I need to get on writing more poetry. It just makes me happy.

Saturday, April 18, 2009

Things I am excited for.

1. The end of the work out and comm!
2. Teaching Tech Comm in the Fall!!
3. My master's portfolio--I am going to build one kick ass website over the summer..drupal templates anyone or serious CSS books from the library.
4. The summer..freedom
5. The fact that when I graduate I will attempt to find a cool job...because for some I decided I could.
6. The fact that I can write as a job..sweet melarky!
7. going to brown just for a class..that just makes me happy. It will satisfy a dream of mine. I will just feel that I am smart enough.
8. learning more. I think I may take that tech comm class in the fall. poops..or not. who knows.
9. that i will be okay. Next semester i will be antisocial but I will do what I must.

ooh and prospects.... meow!

What I need to learn..

is to move on. Some days..I am okay, others I lament, overanalyze and wonder. I wonder too much. I just need to let things be and, it will not happen. Walk away. It doesn't matter how much you wish it. You cannot control other's actions.

Also, my mom called me fat today. Thanks mom. I don't already feel crappy about myself enough. woo hoo thanks.

I plan on working on the fitness this summer well as soon as this school is over. I also need to figure out what the heck I am going to take. Do i want to do a grants internship? Do i want to take a bus/tech comm class? or take a undergrad writing class for grad credit? Do I find another internship? I've already worked and done an internship in the type of writing I "have" to do my portfolio on? again..lost. I have to look at the internships that have flown my way. But also, my job is in the summer. oye.

ooh...and...i wanted to tutor at the writing center. crap. forgot about that... hmmmmmmmm.....


Thursday, April 16, 2009

and..I am back..

so I made this blog private because I got a comment from someone I didn't know. Odd....but i guess that means other people are reading it. ha duh!

That is kind of what you I decided to change it.

I write some pretty strange stuff up yeah. oh wells.

I guess I may have to censor some stuff..
so, I guess I have to figure out what I want to be when I grow up and I do not know.

i have one word..despair.

i have a lot of options...i like being in school. I like English. I like debating colon usage. What do i do? can someone order me to do something? k thanks...

what do i really want to do with my life...umm...have puppies and snuggles...and read and write silly things and work out and write more and learn.

oh and i wouldn't mind being a research assistant for a brilliant hottie...just saying.. won't lie about that.

most in the woods with puppies..seems to be my only option right now. hehehehehe i kid. i just don't like big decisions.

Saturday, April 11, 2009

when talking ceases...

I miss good conversations.

Well, thats an overstatement. I miss good conversations with the opposite sex. That is more clear.

I love talking about stuff with someone who has insight about what you are feeling and is in a similar situation.

Yes, I talk to my lady friends and that helps a bunch but I like sharing. I recently discovered how much I liked talking to someone of the opposite sex about, life, music, etc (I know that sounds strange but my shyness prevented me from speaking to cute smart boys..for most of my life)

The reason I say this is because I was having a conversation and someone/thing popped into my head and I was like dammit I wish I had that person to talk too. Alas, I do not and it makes me really sad. I miss the person and the conversation because I really felt that we had valid and interesting conversations and for the first time I felt wow..I am being spoken to sans alternative motives. I could be wrong. Who knows...I felt smart and fun,etc. I had felt that only once before.

oh wells..

In other news...I don't know what to do with my life. I am feeling skeptical, unsure and scared of what to do. I feel out of options and confused with grad school. I love it but next semester..I do not know what to do. Its internships or independent study and thesis prep.

oye! i am stressed. poops...

Thursday, April 9, 2009


Every time I stay late in the office or stay up late doing homework..I think..this is for the greater good.

I am trying to keep this mantra going...but it is hard.

I feel a bit worked out. I am trying to rejuvenate my work ethic but I am tired.

I was looking at Ph.D. programs and I became more tired. I have to think of all this in a short amount of time. It is scaring me to death. My gut says...just do it and my head won't get in. Oh boy

then I think of my life...and I don't know if can take another 5 or 7 years of constant studying and being alone. I can do the work but I will most likely be in a place by myself...alone...

Monday, April 6, 2009

I do not know what to think...

In the last week....I've had shots and boosts to my ill barely present ego.

So lets start off with the basic stuff...I had some crazy financial stuff happen this week. It was weird but its all fixed now. i closed accounts and paid off things that were supposedly paid. Wierd! I thought big brother was coming to get it. It unnerved me.

Anyway, that is taken care of but I feel as if my bills won't get paid again even though..I paid them. Its so odd!

I am on edge, as usual. I feel very meh. So let's get back to my ego stabs and boosts.

I will start with the boosts:

I was told twice this week I looked young. Both by cute portuguese ladies. I feel when I look in the miror, I see this old wannabe cute girl. I see a face that has seen better days. The scars, the divots, the redness, the growing number of blemishes, the sad eyes, the hair: the wirey strands that protrude all over the place. I don't feel good about myself. I haven't for a while. I old and ugly.

I was glad to be called young but one of the ladies said she thought I looked like a little girl. That bothered me. I guess I am stuck in that little girl/woman limbo. I am a lady even thought I do not always look like one. ho hum..

Now, we shall move on to the stabs:

Well, some jerk-off in my program... (I honestly do not care what I say at this point...) decided that it would behoove him to ask me if I'd be interested in his 38 year old recently divorced friend, who just wants to have "a good time." EXCUSE ME??? DO i APPEAR TO BE SOME SORT OF WHORE? Now, he may have read my blog regarding extracurriculars and reviews of said merchandise but..EXCUSE ME?? how dare?? just how dare!??!!!
So let me get this straight, You have a older friend who wants to have a good time and party and you think of ME??

Thanks dude but..go fuck yourself.

Needless to say, I felt itty bitty after he asked me that. i was stunned. I couldn't really speak. i am already feeling down about myself and now with that I feel like I'm a whore, which is the furthest from the truth. thanks..

Then Friday...which was the subject of the previous post. oh man.. ugh!

I hope this week brings better experiences.

Sunday, April 5, 2009

I hope there is hope

I hope there is hope for me.

I hope I can do what I want. I hope to be content and happy with my life. I hate feeling despair.

I also hate being redundant.

I am tired of doing school work, I am sick of pushing myself. I want to be lazy and lackadaisical like so many others. They seem to be happy.

I am scared that I will feel this way forever.

Most of all, I am sick of not knowing. I am sick of feeling awkward and different. It makes me feel less.

I try and try and I am just sick of trying...

and that concludes todays emo blog.

brought to you by alkaline trio and hot topic

Friday, April 3, 2009

New skin tone

I feel naked, stripped to the core.

I saw the real me today for the first time in over 10 years. I went to the MAC counter at Nordstrom's today with my friend and I was inquiring about the makeup she was buying and the guy was like..oh do you want to try some..get a little makeover. Now, I've had a crappy week. I am exhausted, stressed, etc. So I say yes....well now...he does he thing...brush, paints, etc .

When he is done, I have 3 shades lighter than my usual makeup..trauma! He used the right color but I am soo used to be darker. :(. I need to embrace the paste. Oh dear..i feel naked.

see for yourselves....


looks the same..but seriously..its a big difference. its wierd.

Wednesday, April 1, 2009

What a day..

My days have been much better. I think I may have a handle on this school stuff. i think I am doing it and doing it well. hehehe

I had a teaching breakthrough today. My students totally surprised me. They did what I asked!! yippee! i was sooo soo soo pleased! Oh my god...I was glad for them but a bit more glad for myself. I feel accomplished. I think I taught them something. IT CAN HAPPEN!!

I think I fucked up my situated ethos. I will just say that. I had very odd experience today and I think it may have had to do with my writing. Oh well....such is life.

I know who i am and what I want..if I misrepresent myself then whoops.

In other news...

I think that I am using my opportunities to my fullest. I feel as if I can do something really good with my life. Yes, that sounds quite trite but I think so. It feels good. I just like that I have possibilities. In bleak times, I just see a light.

I know a lot of people don't be, I feel that it is their own doing.

My goal is to be happy with myself, my life and my accomplishments. I know I did not take took a little detour on my path but I think it has helped me become more appreciative of what I have now. I do not take my opportunities for granted. I am just happy I am where I am. I can be something. yay!

I work hard..I do. I want to get results and I think I have..this girl needs a rest.