Sunday, November 22, 2009

a step....

in the right direction..

I need to step out on a positive note. I feel a bit more accomplished and relaxed. I am taking things slow and trying to be more open and communicative. I am also being selfish. I need to work on things that will help my future and only that at the moment. It is crunch time and I hope I am up for it. I have to say, I had a good week. For the first time this semester, the office felt like it did last year. It made me miss the old office but it made me like grad school again. I feel I can give it my all for the last semester. I saw old friends..and talked. I need to talk more. I know this.

I need to do some more talking but I am not sure I am ready for that just yet. I need to have almost everything off my plate. There is some lingering anger and annoyance and that is not going to help anyone. I know something needs to happen but I don't know when or if its too late. It takes two to tango.

I also think my personal needs to be put on hold..once again...I've done it for this long..its okay. I need to know what I need and who I need, if that makes sense.

I need to keep this positive attitude up. I will make it through this and next semester. I will graduate and I will move on from this state in my life. I will....

Saturday, November 14, 2009

Nothing much to talk about...

I find that more and more, I do not have that much to talk about. I reside doing schoolwork daily. I push my personal problems to the side and continue on because I just do not have time to deal with them. I have come to terms that yes, I am going to be alone for the foreseeable future unless an extreme act of god happens. I am not even remotely okay with it but I have work to do, I try to make time for myself but I feel guilty. I know I should...everyone else surely makes time to party down each week. Do I feel I am missing out? Yes and no. I surely do not want to be shaking it up around these here thanks, last time I checked that wasn't my scene and I wasn't tried and true local. But, social interaction with people aside from the people I see daily (most aren't my friends) would be nice. Every so often I do see old friends and I cherish that. I will keep trudging through life. I see an end...dear god...I better.

I am scared I will be stuck here. I need to leave. That is my greatest fear. I cannot stand being around here for more years. There really isn't anything keeping me here aside from my family but, I need to get away from them too.

Then I have these thoughts of continuing with school that will cause me to delay my life even more but it may mean doing what I love..gah!

Alas, an unhappy place. I would like to make it a happy place but my tolerance for ignoring things has gone down and I am not doing so well.

Wednesday, November 4, 2009


Well, it is done (the paper that is). Thank goodness. I feel..well...done. I know it is just the beginning but one step is over and it is crazy. This semester is almost over. Soon, the academic year will be over and I will be done with school.

I am excited and am a bit optimistic. I can apply for jobs at schools all over the country and that scares me. I want to move because I need a fresh start. I need to leave a lot of things behind. So many things to think about and so little time. happened again..I saw the image I've wanted/did not want to see. I smiled this time. He's still there and so am I. Oh life needs to take a turn. I am at the steering wheel.

Sunday, November 1, 2009

Accomplished...a little bit anyway...

Well, I am finished inputting content into my paper. I just need to finish the works cited page(s) and revise sections of it and edit. I am giving my head a bit of a break because gosh darnitt, this is hard work.

I never took my intelligence for granted. Nothing in school ever really came easy to me. I just worked hard at everything and this is no different. I am working my pa-toot off. I wish academia worked like that, I'd be soo fit and trim.

But, this paper has made me feel a bit smarter. It became easier to me as I plowed through the research and light bulbs went off. It made me think, " please?" haha I know, I know. Crazy! But, I know I will miss the hours of studying and writing and tears when I think I am dumb.

I know the work I put into this and it is surely a lot. I don't spend my weekends tripping the light fantastic. I spend them Google Scholaring and writing. It the end it doesn't matter but it surely matters to me. I know I will deserve my degree even if I don't get an A on this paper or in the class. We aren't supposed to care about grades as teachers but I would lie and say I didn't. I do dammit! I want an A. If I don't get one, well, whatever. I know I deserve it. hehe

I know I need to find a balance between school and life but for now I will work. Wednesday I will figure out a balance and try to collect the things I've been ignoring in my life and see how they still fit into it. If they don't, they don't. Maybe it's my fault, my it's not.

We all change and grow and sometimes we don't do it together. That's life I guess. For now, my paper is in bed. I will be soon and I feel smart. That makes me smile.