Sunday, May 31, 2009

Too much anticipation leads...

to a major letdown.

I am still in a bit of shock by my experience yesterday.

I decided earlier in the week that I would take a little trip to the Harvard Art Museum for a variety of reasons:

1. I have never visited Harvard or Harvard Square.
2. I love art
3. I love museums
4. I needed something to do
5. I would like to know the city a bit more..since I need to be a big girl.

So for all these reasons, I took the trek. It was easy. One straight T ride, filled with very strange characters. For example, a 5 or 6 year old Asian child on a leash ( this child was clearly mentally handicapped in some fashion). I was so sad. His dad kept saying he was very smart but hyper. sir...your child shouldn't burst through a group of people to run away whilst on a leash and you unable to hold him because of his strength. This poor child also didn't speak. It just made me so sad. It scared me because I wasn't paying attention and all of a sudden people just started moving and I heard a whimper/scream. I was like GAH! :( Very sad for that poor little one.

Also, a man was commenting on a young guys chucks. It was such an odd conversation: Oh, I like your chucks. I have a collection of all the colors. ::young man:: Oh really?

Alas, I arrived at Harvard Square. I followed the well crafted directions the website gave me and walked through Harvard Yard. At some point, I decided I may never find this place, these flowery directions are down right convoluted (that should have clued me in). I walked and walked and finally came out the other side. Mind you, all through Harvard Yard there are buildings with no clear signs. So I really had no idea what I was looking at. I assumed..dorms and then a few large, church and something else.

Anywho, I came out an exit and looked left and alas..THERE IT WAS! The anticipation swelled within my warm and meandering frame! I was going to visit a HARVARD MUSEUM! oh my!!!

Upon my entrance, I noticed the grand hall was not filled with art. It was filled with banners advertising ReViews, special events for the Museum. Okay that's fine. I paid my student fee and was asked to coat check my bag because it was too large... was not that big.

The nice Waspy old lady gave me a floor plan and I was off. The pamphlet, elegantly designed, only listed three floors: 1,2 and 4. I thought well maybe three is on the other side.

I did not want to start on floor one so I skipped up the steps to the second floor. It was Asian Art. Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz also was A SINGLE GRAND ROOM!! 1 ROOM!!! COUNT THAT: 1!!! I thought, there has to be more. Nope!

Now, I have been to the MFA and the RISD Museum (I always thought RISD was small..nope) their Asian art collections are substantial. Understandable,right? Art school and strictly world renown art museum. But here is my gripe, both of the aforementioned museums do not spout masterful rhetoric about themselves on their websites. Yes, the sites talk about the collection in a bit of a haughty upscale fashion but it is well warranted. They have the goods (literally) to back up the talk.

Now, I thought well, floor 4 (or the missing floor 3) will have something better of offer. Yes, I have to say it did but..whoever set up the gallery was drunk. They were mixing art styles. I understand you are showing Art until the 1900s but displaying a Wamponoag Hunting Staff mixed with the portraits of St. Peter and the Virgin Mary and Child kind ruins the feng shui of it all. The juxtapositioning is lost on us. I just stood, perplexed and is that thing doing here with the portraits.

I then came to the various Picasso's. Props to Harvard for snagging all of them. They were very lovely. I also didn't know you could take photos. Some older French Lesbians were taking pictures of all the Picasso's. Too bad my camera was in the coat check!

Now this is where I saw the major disjoint in the collection (if I didn't notice it already). I found nothing more than small sculptures and paintings. Now, yes these items make up a great deal of art but art is way more than that. Its furniture, its clothing, its tools, etc. I did not see much of that..only in the Asian art exhibit.

Defeated, I took the elevator downstairs to Art from 1900. Another major fail. The large Pollack and the small yet exquisite Georgia O'Keefe delighted my starving soul but it wasn't enough. The one grand room needed much improvement. I know they are renovating another part of the museum or the original museum itself but..make an apology for it. But they said.everything was shown together..

I don't let me down. You are Harvard for god's sake. People like me do not belong there.

My visit did not last long and I spent the rest of my time strolling through Harvard Square, entering bookshops, getting a cup of tea and just looking at the architecture and smiling. Harvard looks much like Brown (duh) but larger. Sad to say but I find Brown more beautiful, I think it has to do with Brown being very close to heart.

My day was joyful and I'd go again in a heartbeat. I will take another trip to go to visit the Natural History Museum soon.

Oh and I did see a very cute Harvard COOP employee...he was adorable and was flustered when he rang up my book. hehe I could barely hear him and he kept stumbling on his words. hehe

Another thing that pierced my brain with annoyance was the name of said bookstore..COOP. They pronounce it just like it sounds.. COOP.. (rhymes with poop). Ugh...tawdry and rolls off the tongue with flatly. I thought it was CO-OP (due to its appearance on the sign), which sounds better and doesn't rhyme with poop.

Oh well, they are Harvard they can do whatever they want, like aggrandize a shoddy art collection to the level or ART MUSEUM!!

WOW..I just attempted to rip Harvard a new one. My apologies Harvard. You just duped me with your words and dammit I am better than that.

Friday, May 29, 2009


I decided not to do anything. He can contact me. I've been the one to initiate everything. It's time for a little give and take. If he never contacts me, then I know. I suspect he won't. alas, maybe in a few weeks, I'll send him a nice friendly note. But, for now, I will be silent.

he's missing out..i'm fun, nice, sweet and spunk..oh and I like puppies..yeah....

Wednesday, May 27, 2009

So i guess i fucked up usual. I screw it up. Sad.

I thought this one would be different. oh well. I haven't heard from him since well..i sent my note on saturday. good times.

I am mad at myself..another one down the tubes. I guess i can't be myself. oh well...

To make myself feel better, I am going to go to a museum on Saturday. Yes, alone..I will just think and look and ponder. I am going to the Harvard Museums. I have never been to harvard and I keep thinking..well no one is going to take you..go yourself.

oh well.....

Tuesday, May 26, 2009

Doin' My Thang..

I have decided to do my thing. Today, I was sad all day. I am sick of being sad. I think I need to let it be for my own mental health. If he wants to contact me..he can. I need to just calm the fuck down. I do this every time and I don't know why.

So, I am going to go to Harvard Museums. dammit

Monday, May 25, 2009


To take my mind off my own worst enemy (myself), I have been doing my hair. I have been curling my hair every time I go out and I feel better. I almost feel like my old self.

I have been rummaging through old photos of myself and I got a wee bit sad. Two years ago, I was trim, seemingly happy and had fun each and every week. I cannot dwell in the past and I cannot analyze things I have done only out of shear kindness and a good heart.

ah well...someone will want what I have to offer. I can only hope. I am talking like I may never see this human again..I may never but I also may. I hope I do..dangit..I would do a few things differently.

Another interesting saw the first person I ever talked to on okcupid today. I was driving in Providence and he was walking down the street with a lady. I was like..holy crap..thats that kid...he was a bit of a loser and a druggie. love i saw him..giggled and cest la vie. :)


So..I sound very grumpy. I am not. I am just upset with myself. Oh well..I can only hope it works out for the positive and I will learn from this. Dammit..why is he so smart and nice and cute and why do I always fall for it?? ugh! maybe i've charmed him.. hehehe ...i hope.

Oh..I will blog later about Jon and Kate plus 8. I've been watching this mess since the beginning...I have a lot to say...


So, he responded. I do not know if that is good or bad. He responded to everything I had to say, even my very precocious attempt to hang out with him again. He said we should see whats up for next week (meaning tomorrow through next Sunday.. hehe) I guess that is good. I do not know. He could be putting me off. I just keep second guessing myself. I am also impatient and overzealous.

I am taking advice from several people and I have said that I feel as if i cannot be myself. I feel as if I cannot send a nice, excited note because it makes me to "available" and that doesn't attract men. Umm..hi,that's how I am. I can't really change it. I send notes. I say how I feel. I hate it. I don't play games. I think it's stupid. I can't play games, we are adults..why should we?

Then..I have been told to read, He's Just Not That Into You..I suspect this dude isn't that into me and all the dudes I have ever dated weren't. If I cracked opened that book, I know my whole crappy dating career would be a lie. So I don't read it. I am sorry. I know I couldn't take it.

I think my over analysis of really hurting me. I can't help it.:(

I see these insta-couples (people who meet and instantly turn into a couple) and it confuses me. I have NEVER had that...EVER!

This whole relationship crap bears heavily on my mind because I seem to conquer most of the things I want out of, job..etc. with a lot of hard work and I have put so much thought, effort, time, emotion into this dating thing and I have failed...FAILED!! I have stepped outside of all my comfort zones. I have tried hard..maybe a little to hard because I want it so much....or just a nice chance at it. I would like to enjoy things so many other people have had the chance to enjoy and I haven't even had a taste of getting to know someone you really like.

It makes me want to give really does. Maybe it is the one thing in life I won't be able to have.


In other news, I watched the Jane Austen Book Club today...I am in love! It just struck me as a really interesting and cute movie. I loved how they talked about the books in an intelligent manor and dissected the characters. It made me happy. It had dogs, a cute dude and a books in it. What isn't to love??

Oh Jane...

Friday, May 22, 2009

what I do not like..

I do not like that I cannot be my friendly, happy self when it comes to men. I can't send a nice note when I want to. I should "wait" let them feel intrigued. Why can't I just be myself? I don't want to play these games.

ugh ugh ugh

So in a sense, I fuck everything up because I am myself. yay...

Thursday, May 21, 2009


It was lovely. he's lovely. I don't know if he feels the same way. He talked a lot more. It was really nice.

I just enjoy talking to him. He's funny, sweet, likes puppies, smart. I don't know, I feel comfortable with him.

I hope he feels the same. I really want him to.

We hugged (again) (twice)..I liked it. hehe It feels different this time. I don't feel rushed to do things but it's not like I don't want to do them. I just want to get to know him and know more about him.

I hope he wants the same. He remembered some spot on things about me that were very detailed. I was very surprised and I loved it.
I think he is shy. I don't know but...I have fun with him. He makes me smile.

Monday, May 18, 2009

I hope..

that this doesn't blow up in my face. I am being very cautious. I do not want it to blow up in my face.

I would be perfectly content to get to know the nice boy.

I just feel that the boy from long ago missed his chance. He went MIA and then now is back. I don't get it.

But something that has been on my mind lately, is that I am different type of girl. I see other ladies: younger, older, and my age and they seem to take relationships a bit differently than I do or want to. LIke...don't you want to get to know the person and then other things can come? I mean..why rush things?

I think the reason for this is I've never had the chance to get to know someone and have something develop. I'd just like to have a shot.

the nice boy..

is nice. hehehe


so far i have kept the swooning down to a bare minimum. this is good!

Sunday, May 17, 2009

I am not clown..juggling's hard.

In a matter of 2 days, my life has turned into a circus.

Last night=insane.

I realized after dinner that this friendly meeting to catch up was a ploy. Yep, I am naive. I know this but when someone says, "let's go meet my friends." I catch on. I am glad I went...I did have a good portion of the night...thinking in my head..ugh these people are idiots and felt like a big pretentious, elitist asshole. Oh well..I am sorry..I really don't care what music sounds great when you are

I sipped my water and was asked like 12 times why I was drinking water..I didn't want to say..umm...I don't drink w/ people I don't know or like..soooo cool..also...when you run into Professor's who work down the hall from you and you see everyday.its a little awkward. (If I have sipped on alcohol while around you..then I feel comfortable with you..that is just how I am.)

So..yeah the dinner was a ploy..I didn't fall for it and I think and hope he finally got it. Dude, you are my friend and that's it. We have good talks about stuff and La DE DA..

Other stuff happened too but I did hear back from the nice boy..yay!!!!! (while at dinner)

this is starting to get a little crazy. This could all blow up in my face and I could be very sad.

I need to start carrying a black book or something but in a way I don't like it. I don't want to hurt anyone..because I then end up hurting myself.

Oh well...two are most likely friend material...and the other we shall see..

My mind is blown...

I feel better about life and it has nothing to do with the plethora of dudes. It has to do with the end of the semester and I made it. I changed purses yesterday and as soon as I did signified for me...I made it. Yes, it is silly but this purse I bought over a year ago and it is my favorite...the cost was not out of my price range at the time and it was my gift to myself for finishing up the spring semester last year.

I am still the old nicole but I am just a little smarter and have more direction. I have evolved. I am on my way...

Friday, May 15, 2009

If only it were a year ago...

My life never ceases to amuse me. Sometimes I feel as if I am in a novel and its just getting good other times I think its so drab I cannot stand it.

But, this week..I am in a novel.

So as was previously posted...I met a nice boy. He emailed me back and hopefully there is a second outing.

Now here is the strange part....ahem....

Today, I was contacted by a boy I started to talking to over a year ago. We used to talk on and off. He got a gf, they broke up, he moved, he got another lady..etc. We always talked about hanging out and what not and we never did. I kind of lost hope and almost forgot about him. We would talk occasionally and that was that. But, today was different. He contacted me and was all about hanging out. It was odd but I went with it. So, we made plans for Friday. He wants to come pick me up and everything. I think he wants to show me his cats too. He has 2 cute kitties that I still have on my phone they are adorable! He doesn't know how to get to my house but whatever. If he doesn't contact me, not big deal.

If only this was a year ago, I'd be a flutter. I would be thrilled, but I am not. I am just a bit intrigued.

And to top it off, I am going for dinner with a the last dude who was not nice to me. We finally talked and it was nice, so we are just having to dinner to catch up which I made very clear. I guess it will be nice to talk to him again. It will be interesting.

I am just stunned by this whole turn of events. I have no hopes for anything of these situations (well okay first one..the nice boy). All I have to say is...we shall see...

Wednesday, May 13, 2009

Number 10...

After much advice and consultation, I went on "meeting" tonight. I am calling it a meeting because I am unsure what to call it. Anyway, I talked a lot and I think I talked to much. I am a chatterbox.

He was sweet, nice, cute, and I think a little shy. I am miss explosive chatty lady and I don't know if that is a good or a bad thing.
I feel bad that I talked so much. He is very interesting as well...

I hope I get to hang out with him again but you never know.

You just never know...

I want to say more but I am a bit lost for words at the moment.

I always analyze my actions. Did I talk to much? Did I wear too much make up? Was I myself too much?

(I embraced the paste tonight and wore my new makeup that makes me my actual skin tone. I was very pleased with the results.)

I also don't know what to do...I don't know if I should email him tomorrow or wait for him to email me. I think I am just going to wait.

I think I will just carry on...i have plenty of work to do anyway. :) Keep my mine off of it.

Sunday, May 10, 2009

It Knocks you Down..


As of late, I have been rather down about my current personal life situation. I have had past experiences flash before my eyes, been way to analytical and so on.

I resorted to interwebs dating almost 2 years ago because..hey I am shy, I don't go out much and I figured I'd give it a shot.

OH....I've met some interesting dudes to say the least--baby adolf, tattoo dude, harvard, and I can go on. I was even swept off my feet. All ended in me feeling horrible about myself and a lot of tears.

Today took the fucking cake....and this was someone I didn't even meet. I got an email from this dude who've I've been emailing on and off for a few weeks and he told me he found someone in a rather rude way. But, let me give you some back story..he proclaimed to me that he was very skeptical of online dating and was down right harsh about it. So..when he informs me today that he met someone off of the interwebs (the site we use) and SPARKS FLEW..AND 36 HOURS LATER...he is off the market and we will never meet. Oh and his head is still spinning. (I paraphrase here get the picture)...MY REPSONSE WAS..huh??

way to go hypocrite. Anyway, I am glad I never met this jackass. I got the gist he was an ass from his jerky emails but I figured I'd give him a chance...nah!

I have noticed that a lot of initial online meetings that turn into relationships (NOT MINE) start with sex on the first couple dates. COOL! Ladies, really?? I mean yes the dude seems pleased but don't even know the dude... I just look at you all and say..don't you have more to offer than that? maybe not..who knows.. That just sounds like a wierd way to start a relationship.

Of course you are going to you do you know this about these relationships? Well, I've heard from the horses mouths..aka..stupidhead dudes. Either way, this really baffles me. I guess I am naive but I do know that some dudes somewhere value getting to know a lady like me. (I used dudes as in plural heheheh oops)

But on a positive note, I do not feel bad about myself. I am more amused and baffled.

Oh..and next post will be about the how awkward mother's day was. shoot me. Let's just brother is the worst host and I really do not want to be returning to his abode any time soon.

Sunday, May 3, 2009 life blows my mind..

I cannot ignore really strange things. I've been really good at not pining this week, well actually...more than a week. I haven't pined in a long time....I've even accepted a few things. I must admit that yes, something still inside me still wishes.

Then today....I've been consulting with friends about my life and more than one person suggested that I quit my internet endeavors due bad results. I was agreeing with them and put some thought to it. I opened an email and almost went to pieces.

Long story short, I received a notification email and an image of the person whom I fell for, appeared. It was odd and I am not explaining it properly but I still felt something.

I tried to ignore it but I couldn't. I ended up emailing the person because I had too. I know nothing will come of it but I couldn't just leave it. I couldn't. I've been trying to heal but things keep popping up. It hurts me....but what is going on? seriously..I know its a coincidence..but...

Saturday, May 2, 2009

Spreading thing...

My seemingly good ideas go wrong often...

I am physically and mentally exhausted. I now know that I should not try to take on the world or just more than I can chew.

As the semester winds down, I am not sure what I feel. The only adjective I can think of is..awkward. I have a full year left of school and I can only hope to make the best of it. I am trying to be positive and think yes, Nicole, you will get the "job" of your dreams..soon. Your life won't be a will make something of yourself and be happy.

I feel a bit better that I am no longer letting my life slip away. I am not stuck in my job that I was to smart for. Yes, I said it. I was above my job. My abilities do not lie in folding shirts and what not but, I have to say I do miss it at times. I loved the people, the oddities and the fashion. I miss the fashion...

I can only imagine what this summer will bring. I do not want to waste it but I do want to relax and relish in the fact that I am still a student. I want to explore and do new things.

I want to get out and spread my wings. (yes, corny I know but I think it is something I need to do)

I want, I want, I want...

Right now,I want to be lazy and not do anything. I know I should be reading but I cannot bring myself to do it.

In the whole, I want theme of this blog, I also did something I didn't want to do. Well, actually, I did want to do it.

I finally put my foot down and decided that I was not "that girl." I never have been and never will be. I need to make decisions that will make me happy and further my "growth." I am not the girl you call when you are back in town from a trip for a week. Nope. I am not the girl who you just want to have a good time with. Nope, not me.

I am the girl who is devoted, giggly and emotionally deeper and smarter than her bouncy and sassy exterior portrays. I feel far to much than I should even with people I do not even like very much.

I have been stuck in pining and I know it but sadly I cannot help it. I deserve better than what I have been dealt with relationships..well i can't say that because I've never had a relationship...sooo..hmm...encounters??