Monday, June 29, 2009

Godzilla life steps..

Today, I did something a bit drastic but it was surely needed.

After almost 2 years of internet dating, I deleted my okcupid user account. I could not do it anymore. I have had very good and very bad experiences. I have had my heart broken once and my feelings hurt countless times. I am not sorry I did it. I am sorry it did not work out.

My current mental state is pretty bad and this whole dating thing is making it worse. I am walking away from it because I think it is the right thing to do. With everything happening in my life, I cannot keep up with it all. My emotions are a nut house.

It still kills me that I am 27 and never have had a relationship. I cannot dwell on it now because it will make me more upset and think wow, suck at life. You can't do one simple thing...

I just cannot sit at home anymore and do nothing and dwell. I'd rather be out doing things by myself.

So for now, I will not worry about being alone and try to move on.

I will no longer see pictures of past dates posted on my screen and I can be okay with that. I won't burst into tears every time I see his face, etc.

I hope I feel better.....

Friday, June 26, 2009

Mixing Emotions..

Stirring up WW3

As fourth of July approaches, my family has a yearly get together of sorts. Relatives and friends visit my parents house at the cape and have a grand ole time. I do not. I sit and talk to no one and go for walks. I do not have fun.

I informed my mother that I was not going. It did not go over well. I think she was offended. I do not really get along or have any thing in common with the people that come. I do even like some of them. Why should i go? i do not see the point in going.

I do not know what I am going to be doing over this long weekend. I'd much rather be home alone than bored with a bunch of people.

I am also obsessed with this guy. i want to have his cute funny smart babies! HE WENT TO BROWN! duh!

Thursday, June 25, 2009

False Alarm

Black bag found. It was in my trunk! WHO DOES THIS? wtf!

oh was still funny to think of this happening. Man...I am glad I checked my trunk. I need to throw it out!

I think that this has taught me a lesson: stop being so absent minded. Also, there are multiple sides to every person. I show all of mine at times, which sometimes can be not so smart. I think I am just a bit too naive at time to realize this. hmph.

Tuesday, June 23, 2009

My own comical FML moment.

So I finally had a FML moment.

Today, as I was searching desperately for a white bra to wear under a sheer shirt. I suddenly realized that all of my "used/broken" adult toys (i think 5 in all) that needed to be thrown out were missing. I remembered I had left a black nondescript bag out in my house with all the used ones. I needed to move them to a different secret location. I started to search all secret locations. Nada...

Now...I can only come to one conclusion. I do not remember doing anything with this bag. I do remember it being in my house last week. My dad comes into my house to collect the trash.(I live in a separate location but on the same grounds...i live above the garage) My father is trash obsessed. Even if I put my own trash out he'd go through it etc. conclusion: My father saw nondescript black bag and took it. I have no idea when this occurred. Last week..this week..who knows..I have one more secret location to look in but I do not think it will reveal anything.

I am hoping that my dad did not look in said bag.


Sunday, June 21, 2009

Number 13...

I am think I am done.

I knew this one wasn't going to be amazing. I felt it in my bones. I was right. It wasn't horrible and it wasn't bad. It just wasn't anything. I chatted and chatted. I think I chatted to much about certain things and opened up about stuff that I shouldn't but do not ask questions about my family. That will happen. oh well.. ain't no thing. I do not plan on seeing him again. I didn't even put his number in my phone. That is rare, usually, I go crazy and put it in right away.

Oh well......
I have become the crazy clean lady. I cleaned and cleaned today. It felt good.

My head is clouded with to many thoughts to actually be productive about things. This week will hopefully be better.

i do want to give up..but I haven't succeeded.

Saturday, June 20, 2009

What am I doing? Number 13..

Ok, so today I will meet number 13. I am not excited. I have taken a more passive approach to it all. Last week, ehh..nice kid not for me.

So about 10 minutes ago, I log into my account and 3 "matches" appear across my screen. Of course..I knew this was going to happen one day. Yes..the professor picture appears and I just stare and scream a bit and click on something and cover the screen until another screen pops up. Now..he will be in my thoughts today.

He's still on I am. He broke my heart unintentionally. I have realize that he doesn't want me yet I still want him. It still hurts and I do not want it too. My "first" actual taste at "real" dating hurt so badly. I've never really gotten a good taste in my mouth. All the ones I really like end up disappearing.

So today, I meet lucky or unlucky 13 with a heavy heart and a filled mind. I want to give up on it.

Sunday, June 14, 2009

number 12

This is starting to get comical and well depressing all at the same time.

Before I get into number 12. I am rereading this lovely book I started a few years back. Grammar Snobs are Great Big Meanies. It is surely wonderful. I am not a grammar snob. I know very many. But, as I read this lovely book, I found the grammar mistakes she was talking about. For some reason, I got some self satisfaction from all of this. The author knows her stuff but continually assures the reader that people just use their grammar skills to ridicule and hurt and they will get their own some day.

Now I have my own grammar pet peeves: Past tense refective or intransitive verbs ending in T. learnt instead of learned (learnt is the british version and reflexive past tense and rarely ever used in formal modern mediums of writing: business, techincal, creative...etc aside from text books and haughty grammar gods.) Spelt instead of spelled..again british and the like. I think I just don't like the T sound. I like the soft d. Dreamt instead of dreamed. Now, that is an iffy one. I rarely use it and most likely avoid it.

Moreover is another. It's synonym is however and half the time if you use however in its doesn't work. Moreover needs to be used selectively. I've read it too much and I just don't like it. Like how I hate contractions in formal writing. To me, they are an eye sore.

I love this book and sometimes I do not agree with her. Either way, I just feel more grammatically educated and I can share that with others. yay!!

Okay back to number 12. I am not going to say it was a let down. It wasn't. It just wasn't anything. He's not my type. Nice guy but..I need a bit more intellectual meat. He's very smart but not my type of smart. I like weird smart. I like..holy did you know that you are amazing smart.

I also like a bit more grown up. I may not be the most maturest lady. I love princess stuff and puppies but I know when to turn it on and off. I don't dress like a 15 year old daily. It's cute but at a point sometimes it needs to stop.

He also had mannerisms like my old boss which wierded me out. It was like the guy that looked like my mom's godson (his pictures lied). I was so freaked out.

Also, I wasn't overly excited and did not talked a bunch. That is now I know I like someone or am comfortable. I don't shut it. OH well...not for me.

unlucky 13? hahaha

I can't think about how really sad this is and how i know people who meet someone randomly and are instantly inseparable. I guess I just need a complete weirdo, like me and then vamoose. meh.. we shall see.

Thursday, June 11, 2009

It still happens..

Why is it that every time I think of him I still get that knot in my stomach and still want to cry??

It makes me sad.

Sunday, June 7, 2009


in my current state of mind..I need a some new hobbies that involve more than my head. i painted by number today and am going to try this carving thing tonight. I could scrapbook but I don't have any of the materials. I did but that is another story.

so odd thing..I emailed dude...that one I was semi-obsessing over..and he emailed me back. I am shocked.

i will be working a ton this summer..thank god. i need something to keep my head straight.

i also need to get reading. i have been so lax.

maybe i will do crosswords puzzles. I really should exercise but i realized today me and the heat don't go well together. I felt horrible after being in the sun for a an hour today. meh.

i need some figurative sunshine in my life. i don't even want to write.