Leaving it all behind...

As time passes, I feel and hope I am getting better. I still am a nervous Nelly and small things stress me out.

I have left dating behind because well, I did not have much luck and I think I was more hurt than happy in most of the situations.

I think I know I have to leave a lot of things behind. I need to excommunicate myself from a few people. It is not like they are not good people, they may be but I just do not think they should be in my life. No hard feelings but....I just need to stop talking t you...you make no sense. (that is what I should say to them) I do not see them so it helps. Live your life, I will live mine. see ya lata.

I also find it funny that I want some people out of my life and wish some where back in.

I guess that is life. You never get can everything you want.

Manifest Destiny..

I just realized that my very long journey of grad school will end soon. I have several months but really, I do not. I haven't research jack diddly. I have one article that I printed and several others that I need to make copies of. That is it. I was gun hoe at the beginning of the summer but events turned my life upside down.

Now it is time to figure out what I want to do with my life, and again I am not so sure. First, I wanted to get my Ph.D. in either Cultural Studies or Rhetoric and Compositions or Communication Studies. I thought..oh yes I want to teach and be a scholar. Now, I am not so sure. Currently, I think I want to be a web writer/editor/developer. I enjoy the work I do at school and I like working for a University. I just do not know if I will be able to get a job on the University level..hiring committees, etc. Eeks!

Getting a job at a college or University may allow me to further pursue fun academics. I could take history and philosophy classes and mix some math and science in there as well. It would be lovely. I hope.

I hope I just achieve some sort of happiness when it comes to my academics and career. It's funny because my mother ran into my old best friend (my opinion of this girl will remain out of cyber space for only mere seconds) and she asked what I was doing. My mother told her everything I was doing and her response, 'I am so glad she is using/doing something with her education." BITCH SAID WHAT???? (My initial reaction was...what a twat?)

It's funny, people really do not know what retail employees, especially managers do, but hey I will let her reside in her own ignorant bliss. I was using my education but just not in the facet I would have liked. She will continue to reside in her bliss of living in the town she went to high school in and marrying someone she went to high school with. Nice personal growth.

Anyway, I will leave that alone...it just annoys me. Back to my own issues here. I always knew there was more for me. I just did not know my path. I was lost during college and after. I did not know I was capable. I felt stupid. At times, I feel stupid now and I shouldn't be in grad school. I work tirelessly to make sure I am up to snuff. I do more than most because isn't that what you are supposed to do in grad school. This isn't undergrad where you can just party all the time. I didn't do that in undergrad and I surely am not doing it in grad school.

Professionally, I am trying to make myself look snazzy and I do not know if it is going to work. Personally, I have all but given up. I am trying to make myself feel better. I am doing yoga and trying to eat better. I am no longer searching for someone. He will not fall at my feet or bump into me in the library or museum while starting at Byzantine art or a lovely Degas. That just doesn't happen. I've been to many museums and usually it's just me looking and pondering and scooting to the next painting.

Although, I do miss meeting new people and discovering new things about them. I also miss a few of them whom I did/do consider friends. oh well..such is life.

I do not know what the next year will bring me but I do and I don't want it to get here. I turn 28 in less than a week and I do not feel good about it. I am trying not to focus on getting old and what I haven't done in and with my life.

I also fear that I will not be able to live my life. I fear my mother will get sick and I will have to care for her. Yes, she has my father but..isn't it usually the daughter's duty? I want to live my life..that I haven't lived. Is that selfish?

oh dear..

Harry Potter and the Half Emoted MovieI d

I decided to keep my mouth shut about the new Harry Potter so I could mull it over. I mulled and I mulled and I mulled. I still feel the same way. I did not enjoy that much.

It lacked the Harry Potter-ness that I have come to expect from the movies and the books. It did not have the emotion, the strain, the suspense. This book was the pivotal book in the series. There was torment, stress, love, betrayal, etc.

All I really saw was teenage love and a small bit of tension. hello people..DUMBLEDORE DIES!!!!! Snape unforgivable curses him!!!

We didn't see Snape flashbacks, we didn't see angry/mad harry. We saw a harry who really wanted to get some like ron. We saw him inquisitive but not the determined angered soul in the books.

We also did not see the tormented Snape. The angry soul who loves Dumbledore and will do anything to aid him. Nah, didn't see that. We saw a lot of Draco..which was odd. He was the only sober and scared character. I liked that but..not a draco fan so...over it.

Meh... I could go on for days about this. I am disappointed. I enjoyed the teen love but it was too too much. It wasn't the Harry Potter of my books or my dreams. Sad.

They brushed off Dumbledore's death!!! Main character death1! there was more emotion when cedric diggory died!! I mean yes...robert pattenson is better looking that dumbledore but come on!!


Okay, I will stop chatting about this. I am angry all over gain. I will see this movie again just because. It makes me want to read the books over and make my own movie in my head. hmph...

Also, I am going to DC in 2 weeks. i am so excited. I need a brain break from this place.

Anything else?

So...I just lost my hard drive. There is a small bit of hope that I might be able to to get all my files but....if I cannot, I got nothing. I need to buy a new computer. This is insane. I am so flustered. 

:(

Facebook..Gateway to High School Reunions..

So today, one of my good friends from High School added me on facebook. I was very excited. I never look for high school people. I didn't like high school and really I didn't have many friends. This dude asked me to the prom but was already going with my friend. It was odd, anyway, I am actually happy to reconnect with him. He was such a good guy and I am happy to see him and to see what he is doing. It just struck me as really odd and exciting. People remember me...(I never think they do.)

I feel very far removed from high school and the person I was. I am not that girl. In fact, I do not know who I am. I know who I was but who I am now is very different. I am slowly finding out, I guess. I guess that is how life works.

In other news, I am the museum queen!! I am so excited to visit lots of museums. I have two lined up for this weekend and am looking forward to them. I am doing things! That makes me happy!

I cannot wait wait wait to go to DC. I will see Jenni, Ezinne and hopefully tons of beautiful and historical items!!! Yay!

I have been doing a lot of thinking and I have to say that I am very grateful for the ladies I have met in the PWP. I feel I found some kindred souls who love words, literature and a lot of the same things I do. It is just a great relief. In fact, I am really grateful to all my freinds and the ones I've met recently. It is always good to have lovely people in your life no matter where they are.

I think I may curl up in my bed and read my John Donne book. This book is very slow goings. I feel dumb but since it is a doctoral dissertation that has been editted its tough.

Well, this spazzy blog is coming to a close. It's not giving you all much or insightful. It is just ramblings.

The Breakdown...

Well, Wednesday...I had what some would say a small breakdown. I cried for an hour in my mom's lap. Prior to that occurring, I was convinced I was having a stroke. My face felt strange my arm and leg did as well. I was freaking out. I need to mention, that I was also not on good term with my parents and a whole slew of other things were/are occurring in my life. I am very stressed, unhappy, unsure of a lot of things and scared. All of this culminated, in this incident. I have not really felt right since this. This has happened before and it took a while for me to get back on track but I need to put this behind me.

I escaped for a few days to the Cape. I saw my godparents and Katy. It was nice. I ate a Jane Austen sandwhich (brie cheese, roasted turkey, mango chutney on a bagget), had lovely tea and ate a clam boil. I also rode my bike and realized I really do enjoy bike riding but my bum does not. I saw my best friend and Sunday we ventured to Newport for art and fun times, all of which we had.

All in all, I still do not feel myself. I am grateful for the lovely people around me. Without them...I'd be a ball on the floor.

I will be doing something I have not done in years in August. I will be getting a plane. I am already nervous. I may need to get some meds for that. EEks! But, I am excited for it.

Also, my brother found the blog I wrote for CLTL. I am confused....he asked me if I wrote it and I said..umm...yes..it has my name and picture on it. Like what??? Then he thought I was published. I felt like saying..um dude..its a blog..but I left it alone. wow....

Haunting My Dreams..

In the last post, I stated that I would no longer see his face on my screen but I did not say I would not see his face in my dreams.

Last night, I had the most vivid, lucid dream, I have had in a long time. I was living in Providence with my best friend and I was leaving for work. Apparently, we had new neighbors across the hall. Turns out it was him and his new "girlfriend." He had just returned from some sort of research/conference. His look was different..long bleached hair, odd piercings , baggy clothes, a murse but, it was still him. The girl looked vagabound...hipster-ish. I walked into him and he knew I was upset. He said...let's take a walk. I was on my way to work so I couldn't just not walk..I was walking anyway. The girlfriend for some reason said, "I am not his girlfriend, girlfriend." I was confused by all of this.

I tried to get away from him and I couldn't. We walked and talked and fell in again. Turns out he was wearing the shirt he wore when I met him. I felt something. Of course, he touched and that was it. I fell very hard. He explained she wasn't really his girlfriend..just someone he was sort of seeing. I was okay with that. We smiled and I was content with him and he seemed willing to move forward with me. Then..I woke up.

I woke up feeling empty.

I don't feel better...I feel a bit worse.

Why am I having these dreams? :(