Tuesday, July 21, 2009

Manifest Destiny..

I just realized that my very long journey of grad school will end soon. I have several months but really, I do not. I haven't research jack diddly. I have one article that I printed and several others that I need to make copies of. That is it. I was gun hoe at the beginning of the summer but events turned my life upside down.

Now it is time to figure out what I want to do with my life, and again I am not so sure. First, I wanted to get my Ph.D. in either Cultural Studies or Rhetoric and Compositions or Communication Studies. I thought..oh yes I want to teach and be a scholar. Now, I am not so sure. Currently, I think I want to be a web writer/editor/developer. I enjoy the work I do at school and I like working for a University. I just do not know if I will be able to get a job on the University level..hiring committees, etc. Eeks!

Getting a job at a college or University may allow me to further pursue fun academics. I could take history and philosophy classes and mix some math and science in there as well. It would be lovely. I hope.

I hope I just achieve some sort of happiness when it comes to my academics and career. It's funny because my mother ran into my old best friend (my opinion of this girl will remain out of cyber space for only mere seconds) and she asked what I was doing. My mother told her everything I was doing and her response, 'I am so glad she is using/doing something with her education." BITCH SAID WHAT???? (My initial reaction was...what a twat?)

It's funny, people really do not know what retail employees, especially managers do, but hey I will let her reside in her own ignorant bliss. I was using my education but just not in the facet I would have liked. She will continue to reside in her bliss of living in the town she went to high school in and marrying someone she went to high school with. Nice personal growth.

Anyway, I will leave that alone...it just annoys me. Back to my own issues here. I always knew there was more for me. I just did not know my path. I was lost during college and after. I did not know I was capable. I felt stupid. At times, I feel stupid now and I shouldn't be in grad school. I work tirelessly to make sure I am up to snuff. I do more than most because isn't that what you are supposed to do in grad school. This isn't undergrad where you can just party all the time. I didn't do that in undergrad and I surely am not doing it in grad school.

Professionally, I am trying to make myself look snazzy and I do not know if it is going to work. Personally, I have all but given up. I am trying to make myself feel better. I am doing yoga and trying to eat better. I am no longer searching for someone. He will not fall at my feet or bump into me in the library or museum while starting at Byzantine art or a lovely Degas. That just doesn't happen. I've been to many museums and usually it's just me looking and pondering and scooting to the next painting.

Although, I do miss meeting new people and discovering new things about them. I also miss a few of them whom I did/do consider friends. oh well..such is life.

I do not know what the next year will bring me but I do and I don't want it to get here. I turn 28 in less than a week and I do not feel good about it. I am trying not to focus on getting old and what I haven't done in and with my life.

I also fear that I will not be able to live my life. I fear my mother will get sick and I will have to care for her. Yes, she has my father but..isn't it usually the daughter's duty? I want to live my life..that I haven't lived. Is that selfish?

oh dear..

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