Friday, October 30, 2009

A big bunch of meh...

well...what to say....

Not entirely consistent working has take a bit of toll on me but there isn't much I can do about it since, the work needs to get done.

Anyway, tough times aside...well they aren't really aside, they are just there.

Yesterday was supposed to be a happy day (a very happy day) but alas someone ruined it for me with a callous reaction and a more callous discussion followed.

There is so much going on in my life right now that I do not have time to care about or for anything (I have time for a blog...oh wells). I keep telling myself that I matter and I need to care about myself and do what is best for me. For now, I will just focus on me and if that is selfish so be it. I am the only one who is going to get myself through grad school and life soo...I better start depending on myself more.

I'm given out and given up...

oh well, such as life. moving on..moving on....

Monday, October 12, 2009

It happened again..

I think I am the dumbest person I know. I am a glutton for punishment.

I was perusing a certain social site and a certain person's image popped up and I freaked out. I know in some sense I was hoping to see this image but in another sense I was hoping not too.

I want to stop feeling upset about it all. I really do. I feel so trapped, like I cannot move on or go forward because I have this stupid hopefulness about the whole thing. I know, I am naive and also brokenhearted. I have no past which leads to my bleak future.

Ugh..all of this makes me want to curl up into a ball and just cry.

I just have this urge to leave it all and run. I have nothing holding me here...I have no connections and if I did they are all but gone now.


Friday, October 9, 2009

Feeling Better.

Well, I started writing. Okay fine, it is a mix of copy paste of my own work and more elaboration. Sue me here. But I have 4 pages and a working works cited page with over 10 sources. I have just about a things are looking up. The only problem is I don't know if my discussion will be "rich" enough. Whatever. I am going to try my hardest and not make it full of plebeian talk. I am no scholar but I try to be. Let us hope I do not sound like the students Bartholomae talks about in his essay, Inventing the University. (point 1 for sounding like I know what I am talking about)

It's almost 10 on a Friday night..and I am still working on this. go me?

Tuesday, October 6, 2009

New Perspective...

Well, what I got what I needed. A kick in the pants or as they some perspective. I know see things clearer..not clearly but clearer. I think I need step back and not freak. It is hindering me. I feel better. I know I am capable. I will try my darn hardest. It's not all about the grades. Its about how you get there and I take journeys.

Monday, October 5, 2009

Feeling Inadequate? yes ma'arm

I get this way each semester. I feel dumb, like I do not belong in grad school and I overall suck at life. Truth is, I probably don't belong in grad school. I work really hard at my studies and I still do not feel good enough. I try and try and dammit....I learn and correct my mistakes but I just feel like I am drowning lately.

I am sick of feeling like this. I want to feel adequate in all parts of my life and right now I am feeling inadequate everywhere. I know I do not know everything and I am far to unconfident to proclaim I do. I think I need to realize that I am not perfect and I am human and I do make mistakes and no one is perfect. Some people do things better than others, etc. and that's okay. Maybe I am just mediocre at best....who knows.

What also doesn't help is, I have lost my academic support system. I realized this today during a conversation with the department chair as I talked glowingly about alumni and what they are doing. I also discussed my issues involving not wanting to return to school, etc. She said, "Well, it's hard when you lost your friends." I though, crap, she's right. I mostly sit in the office do my work and really keep to myself. I don't giggle and talk about the stuff we used to talk about. There is no odes to people who wear vests, etc. There is the occasional 'vag flick' joke but mostly I just want to go home and go to bed. I don't, of course.

I really feel like I am about to crack and I do not want to. That would be very bad, very bad indeed.

I just keep whining...ugh. I am not even liking myself right now. I am freaking out over minute things and it is just ugh. That is the best explanation I can give it and that is even poor.

Alas, my attempts at smarts have gone by the wayside. I think I need to calm down and attempt happiness but not complacency.

Saturday, October 3, 2009

Judd Apatow: The Passive-Aggressive Misogynist

The hollywood darling, Judd Apatow really has a problem with the ladies. He doesn't like 'em. Oh, he may say he does but just watch his movies and you will see, that he surely does not. It takes a keen eye to notice it but with this helpful guide, your eyes will open to his deplorable world of lady hatin'.

His sophmoric humor fuels his subpar plot and box office lines. We've heard the jokes a million times before but find it funnier when said in a crowded theater by a well paid chubby loner actor. HA HA HA He said pussy. HA HA HA He called her a bitch.

Chuckle fest aside. The dialogue Apatow's characters speak is foul and his plot lines leave women in the dust. His female characters turn bitchy, slutty or look unraveled and need to be saved by the loser hero. The same troupe of morons curse their way through the movie for cheap laughs and appear to win the girl and the respect of the cool kids. While the the ladies are stuck with the kids, the mess, and looking like a fool.

Take Knocked Up for instance, written by Apatow, never says the word abortion. They say take care of it. Really? You have the balls to show a fake vagina with a crowning baby but you can't talk about a woman's right to choose. Cool...

I can't even discuss Semi Pro because I couldn't sit through it. The scenes and the language made me want to puke. The rest of the films in his arsenal (Old School, SuperBad,Talledega Nights, etc.) portray women as sexual conquests and call them as such. Apatow doesn't bat an eyelash to the writing the words bitch, tapping that ass, etc.

Directors and writers can write whatever they want but what kills me about Apatow is how he and his clan are heralded in the mainstream media for creatively and comedy. He's not creative nor is he funny. What is worse is his wife and kids appear in most of his films.

Hey, Leslie Mann (Apatow's blushing bride), are you that dumb that you don't see the degrading language your husband is writing and the lack of depth characters you are playing? I am going to say yes, she is that dumb. She doesn't act in any other movies. The last film she starred in that I remember, that wasn't an Apatow film was George of the Jungle. Good movie. So she doesn't see that her characters perpetuate a stereotype and have no depth. They are a man's vision of everything they hate about women.

Her character in Knocked Up: A married, naggy mom of 2 who goes batshit crazy over anything. Aka. The vision of what many men feel their wives will become. You feel comfortable playing that Ms. Mann? Because, I sure wouldn't. You really want millions of men to laugh at you and say, that bitch was crazy? And, you want your kids to be in the movie too? Awesome...way to portray strong women in the media.

If I wanted to waste more space and thoughts on you Apatow, I would but right now, you need to leave my brain. I feel bad for your two girls. They won't grow up as strong ladies. They will fall into the stereotypes and be the women you put down and label in your movies. I hope you are okay with that.

For some reason, I think you had a lot of trouble with the ladies when you were young and that's fine. It happens to most people, but grow up and get secure with yourself. It is really evident that strong, smart women intimidate you and you'd much rather put them down than accept them as your equal. must have a teeny