The end.

As you can see from the post dates, I lapsed in posting but with good reason. I've given up on writing. I sort of write for my job but I have committed to stop writing digitally in my personal life. But, I am writing right now. Well, it's a bit of a sign off.

Why am putting my writing to a halt?

Well, I write mostly about myself and I am sick of reading about others and their lives and since I like to practice what I preach, I am going to stop. This goes for blogging, needless facebook updates and twitter. I will still post stupid videos and retweet but I won't be updating the masses about my personal life.

I've realized that social media has made me so passive and uncaring. I really don't care about others and their activities...it's sad but true. I don't care if you have a headache or where you are going Friday or you exact location at that very minute. I am not your stalker. I also don't care if you need to write an 8 paragraph blog about how badly your life sucks (something I've been known to do and it's pathetic). So if I don't care, I am sure there are many others who do not care about my activities and with good reason. They aren't that exciting and if you do you care which you shouldn't, you could always ask me via a more personal means.

Participation in social media is an act in self indulgence and I don't want to do it anymore. I'd rather not indulge in myself.

I am also not sure why I wrote this since I know no one will read it. I guess it was to vocalize it. So there, I said it...

The end.....for now.

Maybe I write creatively in the future but I won't be posting it.

Rant Fest 2010

I've been trying to keep my blog clean of rants or whiny crap for the past couple months because it does not really solve anything. In the end, I end up looking like a whiny, unhappy person but there have been a bunch of things lately that have been irking the HELL out of me.

The following rant discusses the my biggest annoyance.

Dudes you make no sense. I've had similar experiences with quite a few men over the past few years and what I will describe in the next few lines drives me batty.

So as I have discussed in the past, I've done some online dating..whatever..I am shy. Get over it.

Anywho...this experience seems to happen to me A LOT.

1. Guy messages me. I message back with a witty reply.

2. Instant requests by boy to add on facebook, twitter and Aim and the like.....

3. We chat more.

4. We meet.

5. Dude goes MIA.....(ie...deletes me off of facebook, blocks me on AIM, etc...this is just after the first date or meeting)

6. I get sad and try to contact but my new thing is I don't contact because I actually know this is going to happen because men are so predictable.

I have deducted that I am horrible to meet in person....or I say a few wrong things.

I think when I first started dating (which was eons later than normal people...I was pretty much terrified and finally pushed myself to actually meet people)...I was okay to meet but now I've fallen apart.

Yes, I agree I am a hot mess but I know bigger messes that can land a solid dude.

But really, guys...you are strange.

Honestly...I think I am more irked at the whole going "virtually" MIA thing. They are the ones who went all sorts of adding crazy. My response: REALLY?? YA DUMB?

Okay...I will stop ranting..I know this sounds terrible but it is just annoying.

A lot of things are annoying me as of late, I think it is because I have more time to think about them.

So I graduated..hence the time and here is what I am doing:

I am still applying for jobs like crazy.

I bought a bike. I like it very much.

Thinking more about getting a kitten.

Sleeping soundly.

May 7, 2010

May 7th used to make me feel bittersweet. It was a day that I remember being so happy, so struck, so bowled over. I used to wish a day like that would happen again. I wanted that feeling again.

Today, I remembered those feelings as I was driving to school. I felt a twinge. I moved on with my day, my drive and tried not to dwell.

I did what I do everyday; work. But, a little piece of paper place in my hands stopped my everyday routine. My thesis approval form changed my life. May 7th no longer makes me want something I never had. It makes me so happy.

So May 7th..I love you..for all you've given me.

My Attempt at a VLOG

So, I figured I'd try this. Yikes...

Let me know what you think!!!

Something rash

I've always wanted to travel. I want to explore things. See the sights everyone talks about that I've never seen. I want to experience life unlike my own.

As I go to interviews and apply for jobs, I do not and cannot see myself working at these places. I appreciate and cherish the experiences but I know they are not for me. I love what I do now and I want to continue doing it. I know there is a job out there that will allow me to edit, revise, write content solely for the web. Right now, I am not finding it. But in the meantime, I need do something else. I need to explore and I really think I need an adventure.

I know I am going to miss teaching dearly. I will miss my students. I will miss helping them and seeing them grow as writers. I will never forget the feeling I felt when I realized that a student actually listened to what I said during a lecture and used what we did in an exercise in her paper. I was so happy! But, I wasn't happy for me, I was happy for her. Her paper was beautiful. That is something you cannot replicate. It makes me smile.

But, as I slowly resolve into a new decision about my life, I look ahead. I want to continue to write no matter what but do I want to continue to teach? I am not sure. I love it. It's so much fun. I think I need to be away from it for a bit to figure out if that is something I really want to do with my life. After everything that has happened with teaching, I still find it exhilarating and I think that says something.

Anyway, back to this adventure. I think I need to do something unexpected. I've had these thoughts with me for a while and I've talked about them before. I think I need to travel by myself to the places I've dreamed out. I need to visit France, England, Rome, etc. But, I need to do it alone. This isn't going to be some soul searching jaunt around Europe. It's going to be a much needed vacation and intellectual experience. I can expand my mind, read, see beautiful things.

Thinking about this opportunity makes me happy. I want it to happen. I think it may clear my head and allow me to realize what I really want to do with my life. Do I want to continue teaching and my education or do I want to enter the workforce once again?

Today in Rape Culture: Dancing at the Club

Okay, so I am "borrowing" part of this title from a few feminist blogs but I just need to share this.

I do not go out often but every time I do I am astounded. What ever happened to asking a girl dance? No? All I see or experience is the random firm on the hip and a penis being jostled into my ass or back. Umm...I DON'T KNOW YOU NOR DO I WANT YOUR GENITALIA NEAR OR ON ME! Thank you. Who or what gave you that right?

I really do not think men understand how creepy and alarming it is when they do that. How would you like it if a random person..you cannot see came up behind you, grabbed you, and started rubbing their junk all up on you? Fun? I didn't think so.

There are boundaries that are consistently crossed and I hate it. If I say not I do not want to dance with you, it means no. Do not sit on me (this happened to my friend) or continue to dance and grind on me. Stop! Respect my decision.

Also when I see a woman pretty much dry humping and dry fucking a dude up against a wall and other people are pictures of it that are pretty much being directly uploaded to the web, it disgusts me. People you've just violated that woman in more ways that one. Yes, it was her choice to get VERY inappropriate with this man but, she didn't agree to have it documented.

I had a dude ask me to dance last evening..by his crunk friend but I declined because of I early saw him partake in the picture taking and dry fucking of another lady. Yep, sorry...ya gross. Be a gentleman and maybe I will dance with you and if I dance crazy...you deal don't rub ya hungry junk on me.

R-E-S-P-E-C-T

Get some..

That is all. :)

Times are a changing...

Well, I hate to do this but I am going to complain. I need to get a few things off my chest. Well, a lot of things.

So, a few months ago I thought it would be a fun idea to have a graduation party but now I am rethinking the whole deal. I will still have it but..honestly, I really don't want to do it. Why? Well, I have few people to invite outside of grad school friends. I am close to very few people who knew me prior to grad school. Does that make me sad? Yes, a little bit.

As I transition into life after grad school, I will no longer be able to identify myself as the grad school Nicole. I will slowly return to the pre and post grad school Nicole. I'd like to have people in my life who knew me before but at this point, I really do not see that happening. We all grow and see our priorities change, others do not or grow in a different direction.

I know I have some very good friends who know me now and one who knew me then. But, the others, I am a bit sad about. Maybe, we don't want to know each other now or maybe they just want to know themselves.

I am stepping out into this world alone, like I have been this entire year. It's been very hard and not a hell of a lot of fun. I have few people to turn to, hopefully, they will be there if I need them.

I saw you...

Yes, I did.

I saw you walking down the street as I sat correcting papers in the window of my favorite teashop. You were with a gaggle of your ivy friends. Yes, I saw you, in your terribly disgusting, way too hipster, purple puffy coat and Conan-like hair. My stomach fluttered but all I could do was laugh because you are most definitely a big bag of douche. I really hope you saw me sitting there not noticing you until you already walked by. Yes, I laughed at you. I shook my head. Your loss buddy. Thanks for returning those emails.

Addendum: If you are reading this, I've tried for a long time to not think you are a douche bag but I finally saw the hand that was dealt to me.

One is such a lonely number...

Well, I've done it again as usual. I've put myself out there and well....the end result was what I was expected, I was let down. I guess I should have known. This continues to happens to me and I really don't know why. It just makes me sad.

As I sit here and try not to cry, I think wow..is this going to go on like this forever. I hate being alone...28 years has been a long time to be alone. It sucks.

I used to feel okay about being alone. I had friends. I went out and did things but now, I do not. I've sacrificed everything for grad school. EVERYTHING. I quit my job. Most of my friends that I used to hold dear, I no longer speak to. I don't go out. I spend almost all of my time doing school work. So, essentially, I have no one and do nothing. Has it been worth it? I am not sure yet. I have no end result. I get hounded by people to look for jobs but, yeah, cannot apply for jobs if I have nothing to show them. Anyway.....yes, so I am waiting and anticipating the next chapter in my life.

Currently, I am not enjoying what is going on around me. I need a change. I cannot wait for it to come. Maybe when that happens, I will feel better. I can only hope. Maybe I won't be alone so much anymore.

The Purity Myth

So, I stumbled upon VH1's The New Virginity documentary. Wow, creepy. With all the talk of saving yourself, pledging yourself to your father, I got an idea. It gave me some fuel to finally finish my book. You may think, how does a book reality to Vh1? Well, my book has sort a sexual or nonsexual theme. In your hyper-sexualized society, there is a pressure to be a number of things for women: pure, sexual, etc. But why? Why do we feel this way? Is it societal pressures? Is it our religion? Is it just our crazy selves? I want to find out. Well, I have been trying to figure this out years. I really am going to put some effort into it now. I hope my results are fruitful.

Dear Justin Timberlake,

I am sorry I have been so mean to you. I have been making fun of your glasses and lack of aging gracefully as of late. I mean you've looked a bit tore up in the last few photos I've seen of you. Also, you really do not deserve the Hasty Pudding award but bygones and moving on.

I retract previously said statements because well, I recently discovered, I am not aging well.

I loved you 10 years ago, maybe even 11 and I should still give you props...well....yeah...you've done some bad tours and movies so you deserve a little less props. Anyway, props to you.

So, JT, as we both are born in the same year, I think I will let your aging and bad looks slide.

Loved you lots in '99,

The girl who is going to buy her first bottle of anti-aging eye cream after she leaves work today....

Coming into my own...

My spirits are lifted for now anyway. So far this week have been well., wonderful. I have a very positive attitude toward this crazy semester. It is my last one and I want to cherish it. I have to. I know the work load will be immense but, I can handle it. I need to focus. I know in about a month I need to look for jobs and really start preparing myself to leave school but for now. I am cherishing my work, the faculty, my students and my fellow students.

I feel prepared and ready. Hopefully, this continues through the Spring and graduation! ;)

I hear the ticking of the clock....

Have you ever had just one of those weeks where you feel isolated, alone and just flat out lonely? (cue infomercial music) No, well....I have...most of the time that is my life. This week has been pretty bad.

I like doing things alone but when people are around you in groups and are just so thrilled to be together, it often takes a toll. I visited 2 museums this week and that was the case. Needless to say, I was a bit annoyed and saddened. Yay for strong independent woman. Boo for lonely sad girl in the corner....

Yes, I have friends but my local friends, I seem to lack a connection with lately. I don't want to say this but they seem to not get grad school or the predicament I am in. I try to see the positive but really, currently, I have no idea where my life is going once school ends. It is a big question mark. I have nothing really keeping me here either but if I move I feel that I will experience more sitting at home alone every night of the week. Woo..fun times.

Something that triggered this feeling occurred yesterday and I felt like I was in high school again. I instantly became the smart girl in class that tucked her head down to become invisible. I have started to go out to do my work because I was sick of wearing pjs the whole day and looking like a crazy person. So, this place I got to, near said school I go to, is free wi-fi..so yay and I've noticed a bunch of fools from my high school frequent the joint. Joyous..anyway..I spotted this busty ditz I used to loathe from high school..captivating the attention of a few dudes I had spoken to the week before and I instantly got that feeling of..the ugly duckling. I don't know why...it just came back to me. Her annoying cackling laughter and her vapidness made me angry. The dudes were douches but it just made me feel weird. I did not like it. I relived a part of my life that I hated. It was almost out a movie for a minute or 2. I wanted to get away.

I just need to pick myself up by the bootstraps and keep on going. I don't feel sorry for myself but I just want to get my life going. The semester starts in a week and reality will kick in. I will finish and who knows what else.

Oh and in good news...my nightmare of getting a C+ in thesis prep, did not come true. woo! I am going to go into this semester with that attitude that I will stomp out my classes while wearing my 4inch patent leather stilettos and a smile. I think it will help.

Thoughts on life...

So, I learned today that a faculty member passed away. He was only 38, although he did have a long illness, it just struck me as very, very tragic and sad. He had small children and a brilliant mind.

Time is so precious and sometimes I feel I am wasting time with my life or that I do not live it to the fullest. I have so many more have nots than I do haves. I strive to change that and at times I feel like I am not doing a good job of it. I want to do great things and I feel I have waited to look but as they say, there is not time like the present. Work, Work, Work....I must press on and try to accomplish what I set out to do but I also must remember to stop and smell the roses sometimes. It's not that important to have a well worded website....that isn't what life is about.

In other news, I am trying to write more poetry. The deadline for submissions is coming up and I am just going to send a shit ton of crappy poems to Temper. Just saying...

Oh man...1 more semester...Nicole will be in the working world..yet again... I hope it all works out for the best.