Saturday, February 27, 2010

One is such a lonely number...

Well, I've done it again as usual. I've put myself out there and well....the end result was what I was expected, I was let down. I guess I should have known. This continues to happens to me and I really don't know why. It just makes me sad.

As I sit here and try not to cry, I think wow..is this going to go on like this forever. I hate being alone...28 years has been a long time to be alone. It sucks.

I used to feel okay about being alone. I had friends. I went out and did things but now, I do not. I've sacrificed everything for grad school. EVERYTHING. I quit my job. Most of my friends that I used to hold dear, I no longer speak to. I don't go out. I spend almost all of my time doing school work. So, essentially, I have no one and do nothing. Has it been worth it? I am not sure yet. I have no end result. I get hounded by people to look for jobs but, yeah, cannot apply for jobs if I have nothing to show them. Anyway.....yes, so I am waiting and anticipating the next chapter in my life.

Currently, I am not enjoying what is going on around me. I need a change. I cannot wait for it to come. Maybe when that happens, I will feel better. I can only hope. Maybe I won't be alone so much anymore.


1 comment:

Hunter said...

I've only just begun on your blog, so I'm not sure if the ambiguity surrounding your putting yourself out there is intentional or just due to my newness, but I'm sorry to hear how lonely you are feeling... I can completely relate. I think, sometimes, to be a writer is to be alone. Writing is both a celebration of that inner solitude we seem to have been born with, as well as a desperate cry for communication and intimacy with anyone who will listen. I have to believe that people want to listen, perhaps almost as badly as they want to be listened to... isn't that what we are all doing here? we build things with our hands and with our minds as if to yell at those around us, or the sky itself, "look at me! look at what I have done, what I am trying to say!" Just keep on yelling, the world listens to those who don't bow out to its selective hearing.