The I don't wanna's are turning into the..

I am nots.

I really am dreading doing homework this weekend. That is rather unlike me. i think the class I am taking could be good but..guess what? its an uber fail. We need to do to more exciting things in class rather than having one woman disagree with everyone and be annoying and talk about her writing.

The texts are boring, yet helpful. I just don't want to read and write a stupid story that I care far to much about. And, there is a little birdy telling me..nicole you need to read this..you will need to know this if you want to go on with your education...etc. etc.

Ugh!!! I had a financial debacle today. It is all resolved but i am very mad at my schools inability to mail things properly!

I also realized that I am in a good position for furthering my education money wise. I did something right working at H&M for so long. I will not be destitute.

Spring is in the air and I know I shouldn't be thinking about certain things but I cannot help it. The smell of the breeze, the sunshine..remind me of happier times. :( I was walking on air last year. Now, I think of that time and tears come to my eyes.

Such is life. I know everything works out for the best and things happen for a reason..yes all that feel good bullshit but, you learn things. I hope I did learn something and something better comes along..but it just still leaves me to wonder. I hate wondering.

update..

I discovered his name.. well...it took 2 TA's and 2 GA's to find and figure it out. The power of brains...I thank those ladies they are beyond lovely. Now I can practice saying.Mrs...Nicole.....

I am kidding...its just enough to swoon as he strolls by. He brings a light fresh air of butterfly tummies and endorphins to the brain for smiles. I can go back to analyzing prose and being annoyed by syntax.


Now, I think I will be calling pot black here but I need to spout off about blogs for a second. I find well written blogs wonderful. I love learning about things and most of all, about people. I love the different styles of writing that different blogs have and the random topics. They are wonderful writing tools. With that said. any moron can have a blog. This kills me. People could say the same about me.

I philander faulty rhetoric and write sophomoric posts. Yes, I do. I will not deny that. But, I do put some time and thought into this. I find blogging cathartic. I am writer. I write...so why wouldn't i write a blog?

So, with the aforementioned information and opinions, I now say this. ::ahem::: WRITING A BLOG DOES NOT MAKE YOU A WRITER NOR.....BIG NOR HERE.....WILL IT ALLOW YOU TO COMPOSE A BOOK, NOVEL, NOVELLA..ETC. It will give your practice writing, it will but..umm..no. Just because you can talk about ya kids, or your life at ad infinitum does not make it quality writing.

Maybe it isn't blogs that annoy me, its nonwriters who think they can write and that it is easy. It is not. I work endless to improve my writing. It hurts my heart at how jealous I am of people who just spew out bountiful waltzing sentences filled with the most modified objects and adjectivals and succinct prepositional phrase. There are no weak words or phrases. They just bounce off the page and you marvel at there shear existence. I want to do that and I try. I rarely succeed. I tend to come up with amusing puns and metaphors but nothing earth shattering or profound.

So for you all of you people who think, 'I want to write a book" and occasionally post a 100 word post via ya myspace or livejournal or blog spot. Try composing something more lengthy and make it make sense and engage your reader.

Chances are you will give up...because its hard...aww poor thing.. .

::steps off soapbox::

I take what I do too seriously sometimes.

Rhetorically Yours,

Nicole

fawning from afar...

I am an expert lover from afar. I started in high school and continue to love and pine till this day. I can fawn with the best of them. I know why I am so good at this..its because I have only loved from afar..well lusted but hey..let me call it what I want.

As of late, I have a new victim. Well, I am the victim and he is the culprit.

my my my...

this man is divine..to look at.

The things I know about him:
He is smart--a professor..oooh la la!
He likes to wear tight pants.
He likes vests.
He likes chucks.
He is very fashionable.
He has a lush head of gorgeous brunette locks.
He is svelte.
He smiles alot.
He speaks Italian fluently. (i heard him having a conversation and almost fainted)

what i do not know about him?
just about everything..i don't even know his name.

But I do know he gives me butterflies and makes me smile every time he strolls by.


He is my sunshine in my sometimes dreary day.

ho hum..what a dream.

Things I've realized that I deserve...

I realized recently that I have become a bit of an enabler and a needy gal. I hate that. I think my longing for a real relationship caused me to become content with bad behavior and disrespect. It has clouded my vision of common sense. Also, the fact that I am very forgiving is another aspect of this.

I deserve kindness, positive attention and an all around nice dude. I deserve someone who will call, email, etc and not leave me in the lurch wondering, does he like me?? Oh my god!

I do not deserve drunk dials at 2am from someone I barely know or to be made fun of and laughed at when I reveal intimate details of my life to a person I think is nice and I did want to get to know.

I feel as if I sound a bit caustic about this whole thing but I am sick of having the same experiences.

I thought I met a few nice guys once but one didn't work out and broke my heart a bit (a bit..means a great deal..but yeah..not going there doesn't help the emotions) and the other just still leaves me wondering. I miss one as a friend a lot (that would be second dude). He was just nice to be around.

Like a total romantic, I still have a wee bit of hope for both of these situations...why? I HAVE NO IDEA!! I think they are the only ones I felt a connection and commonality with. Will I find it again? I have no idea. The funny thing is, I could be completely full of crap when I say that they felt something, most likely they didn't. I don't even know. Honestly, I don't know nothin, about nothin.

Things I do not want..

I have been spewing out thoughts of the things I want in life but I haven't really said anything about what I do not want.

here we go:

1. I do want to be a PTL. (part time lecturer)..good god..no! Many forebears of my Master's Degree find it conducive to do this as a profession. They make crap dollars and are just ornery. You receive little to no respect at my University and it's horrid.

2. I do not want to be one of "those" women. You know the kind..the ones who get married and have kids and everything stops and live off their husbands $$. They no longer work and muddle in baby poop and talk of linens all day. UMM HI NO! i didn't work this long and hard to give up on myself and I wouldn't my daughter (if I spawn) to do that.

3. I do no want to become complacent in my life. I always want to move forward and improve.

4. I do not want live here forever. I'd like to experience different parts of the world and settle somewhere that I find wonderful and unique.

5. I do not want to worry so much.

6. I do not want to get fat. Yes...sometimes we cannot help this but I want to remain healthy. I should say it that way. Healthy..fit trim..work it out!

7. I do not want to be lonely forever. :(

8. If I do spawn, I do not want to be the Jon and Kate plus 8 mom. seriously! I fear that!!

9. I do not want to fall into a job I hate. I want to move on with my education. I think I have the chops..well at times I think I have the chops and I do enjoy teaching. Well, aside from my students who drive me batty. Teaching is just so amusing. I mean you get to view the strangest parts of life. You have students who don't care, care top much, etc. You just either have to laugh or you will go bananas.

10. I do not want to settle with my life.

I guess in actuality I have a lot of work to do in order for my do no want list to not happen.

Closing a big door....

not tightly but..shutting it nicely.

I ended an era in my life tonight. I thought I would be more emotional but the fact that i am not makes me realize that it was time. H&M was my crutch for the past 7 years. I knew I wasn't ready to be a "big girl" when I graduated college and H&M enabled me to grow.

I was a shy, meek, chubby gal with no direction when I started. I had no sense of style, no fashion sense, no nothing. I sucked. I didn't even really know myself. I was too concerned with what others thought of me and was to scared to do anything. I had no confidence in my abilities in anything, school, work, etc. I was in such a bad place.

The day I started, I knew H&M was different. The employees were nuts but they were all themselves. They knew who they were and expressed it. We used to have this slogan that said, "we allow you to dress your personality." Some people went overboard but this slogan allowed employees to find out what made them happy. I know it sounds silly but fashion is expression and it can be very powerful.

That tiny little Swedish store gave me so much. It gave me the best friends in the world, confidence, and it allowed me to find my path. I moved up in the ranks and was a manager for almost 5 years. I knew that retail was not my passion. The confidence that I found in myself told me that hey, you have way more ability than folding sweaters. Do something!! So I did, and I really have never been happier with my decision.

Working at H&M showed me what i did not want. I did not want a mindless job. I wanted a fulfilling job that I would use my brain. I wanted to be someone.

But, the most important gift H&M gave me, was that I found myself. I found the real nicole. I discovered what I liked and what I wanted to be. I found confidence, happiness and fashion.

I know I would not be woman I am today without H&M and the people I have met while working there. It is apart of me. Its given me a better view of myself and my life. But now, I do not need them any more. I am doing what I want with my life and fulfilling a dream.

Thanks H&M! I am glad I am ending this era on my own. I'm letting go..but I won't forget you. I've grown up and I am okay with that.

Good Day..

I feel a bit more like me again. I had a great day with great ladies. :) I had two of my favorite humans meet..I think it went well. We shopped, saw beautiful art and walked...almost all my favorite things. We also giggled a lot. Also..we so a ton.A TON! of hotties. that was lovely!

My meh's are not all the way gone but mostly. They are still meandering around but...I can smile heartily and know I am not faking it. I also ate a yummy yummy hummas sangy!!!! It was really really lovely. Also....I saw so many pups today. I saw a black pit bull..it was darling. It just looked so happy and sweet. I need a pup.

I need not to worry about things I cannot control. I can only do what I can do. I need to make that a mantra.

Another tidbit..jenni ate my worst nightmare at dinner today but she enjoyed it. bacon on a burger...eeks!!!

I have to say I know the most wonderful humans. Sometimes, I lose my faith in humans, but this week the people I know where great to me. <3 ladies...and some germs...mostly ladies though...you made my heart feel warm again. i cannot thank you enough.

another tidbit..i need to read more and I think I know what i am going know what I am going to be when I grow up.

what is wrong...

i am in a funk. I don't know what's wrong. I didn't even really enjoy shopping today. I didn't want to try anything on. I didn't want to even look at my size.

I am just sad. I think I am disappointed in myself. I hate being this weak girl who cries and is emotional but I cannot help it. I want it all but am only succeeding partially, in school.

I see so many life failures and I do not like to fail. I just want to to give up. I am sick of failures. I have no personal life. I work all the time and when I do go out I worry that I am doing school work.

meh...i am sick of complaining. I am trying to change and then I get nothing..

I try to be a good nice person because I know that is the right thing to do....I thought good people were supposed to be rewarded. I should not complain, whatsoever..my life could be a lot worse. I am thankful for the good things.

hopefully, this will blow over.

posting whilst sleepy

welcome spring break...

i sound like a schizo!

I have emotastic ramblings and then I have happy cheery ones or a mix of the two.

oh dear.
Moving on....

i captured a bit of my old self the other day. Its still here. I need to grab more of it. I need not to feel helpless. I need to feel happy and strong and independent. I do not want to miss being happy...i want to feel something more than longing and wanting. I want to share. I am sick of this overarching theme. This chapter needs to end. I want to make is passive. I want to say it has been done.

I want active. I want a voice. Dammit..i want to be.

you are invited to the pity party...

I have been at the pity party for a few days now.

I need to leave. I need to stop wondering about the what might have beens and what will be and just try to be content but I somehow cannot.

oh well..i hope this feeling lifts...

curling up and crying about things of the past do not let you move forward... it just makes it all a lot worse.

hoo humm....

i need something to make me not forget but move....think of other things... i just don't know what that is yet.

I am the girl..

who is forgotten about.

not exciting enough to keep interest

mild amusements at the time

smart enough

but lacks something

too sweet


oh well

in other news..its almost spring break..thank god. :)

museums. free time :)

Sometimes...

I just do not understand life or human nature for that matter.

In an attempt to make my life a bit more peaceful and healthy, I have stopped communicating with a number of people. I have not reached out to them, etc. Yet, they keep coming back. I guess they do not take the hint.

It's funny, there are some people that I want in my life that are not. I keep in contact with them..but sometimes I feel its for not. I do not know what I am looking for, but I know it is not what I am trying to get away from. I am holding on to bonds that might not be tight.


oh well..maybe something will out of the sky and fall into my lap.

Urban Vibezzzzz--the review

Ever try to concentrate on something because you know you will need to use that information at a later date but just could not for some reason or another??

Yes? okay, good. Because, this is how I felt when I was testing out urban vibezz. It was just too much. There was too much going on.

First of all, I mentioned it lit up..well they were not kidding. The lights coordinate with the vibrating patterns. All i could think of was were the computer programs that Dj's use with the levels of base and tempo. Let me tell you, that wasn't a bad thing..it did help (meow..to cute dj's) ;) but..it was so funny and distracting!!! The lights and their little pretty coordinating display was pretty to look at but..goodness...too much stimulation.

Which, brings me to my next point, Urban vibezz gives its user like 5 settings and each brings its user a new delight or extreme. One just vibrates and you can increase its speed..to almost infinitum. It is a bit too much. Stuff does not need to be burned off ya know?? This is supposed to be a pleasurable experience. Then..the other 4 settings alternate in between pulsation or a scale pattern. Now, you are probably wondering..scale pattern...yes.. a scale patter. It vibrates going upwards..as do ri me fa so...ya get it? its odd and makes you laugh soo you lose the moment.

If you like a lot of stimulation...in a range of ways. This is the extracurricular for you.. if not...get it anyway..its cheap and its funny.

Also...its detachable. you can easily wash and disinfect it. I did.. i soaped it up and dried it off prior too. you gotta be clean. hehehe

also if you date a dj or a wannabe...you can keep his attention. hehe