Monday, October 5, 2009

Feeling Inadequate? yes ma'arm

I get this way each semester. I feel dumb, like I do not belong in grad school and I overall suck at life. Truth is, I probably don't belong in grad school. I work really hard at my studies and I still do not feel good enough. I try and try and dammit....I learn and correct my mistakes but I just feel like I am drowning lately.

I am sick of feeling like this. I want to feel adequate in all parts of my life and right now I am feeling inadequate everywhere. I know I do not know everything and I am far to unconfident to proclaim I do. I think I need to realize that I am not perfect and I am human and I do make mistakes and no one is perfect. Some people do things better than others, etc. and that's okay. Maybe I am just mediocre at best....who knows.

What also doesn't help is, I have lost my academic support system. I realized this today during a conversation with the department chair as I talked glowingly about alumni and what they are doing. I also discussed my issues involving not wanting to return to school, etc. She said, "Well, it's hard when you lost your friends." I though, crap, she's right. I mostly sit in the office do my work and really keep to myself. I don't giggle and talk about the stuff we used to talk about. There is no odes to people who wear vests, etc. There is the occasional 'vag flick' joke but mostly I just want to go home and go to bed. I don't, of course.

I really feel like I am about to crack and I do not want to. That would be very bad, very bad indeed.

I just keep whining...ugh. I am not even liking myself right now. I am freaking out over minute things and it is just ugh. That is the best explanation I can give it and that is even poor.

Alas, my attempts at smarts have gone by the wayside. I think I need to calm down and attempt happiness but not complacency.

No comments: