Wednesday, September 30, 2009

If I could do it all over again...

I've been doing a lot of thinking (if that's anything different than usual) lately and a few thoughts ran across my mind. One that that keeps recurring in my tiny little brain is, If I could do it all over again....

This pertains to school choices, major choices, etc. If I could it all over again I would have actually looked into schools and been very serious about choices, locations majors. I would have majored in English and concentrated on Literature. I would have lived away, etc. I think by now I would have been on my way to a Ph.D. (fantasy) I know wasn't ready to embark on a very independent life at 18. I know that I wouldn't be remotely functional now if I did embark on that life.

Woulda, Shoulda, Coulda....

I didn't do any of those things. I constructed my own convoluted destiny. Am I happy about it? Yes and no. I think about all the people that I met through my own path and I am grateful. They have changed and shaped me as a person.

I do look back and wonder what if? But, I cannot be the person to always say..well I was gonna do that but I didn't. Why even bring it up? To me that is worse than failure because you never even tried. I need to be the person who do's and finishes.

I need to continue on my path no matter much I want to take every exit along the way. I don't know where It will lead me. I hope some place wonderful and lovely.

I did fulfill a few dreams and it is always important to have those. But now, I am not sure what they are anymore. I have goals. I fear I will no enjoy them once I accomplish them.

Are my goals the same as my dreams? I am not sure. I am not sure of anything lately.

This crossroads scares me. I want to complete things so badly but what is next? How will the chapter start? It better not be it was a dark and stormy night...I don't like scary stories.

As I look back, I am looking forward and dammit I am scared as shit. I have so many unanswered questions....all of them I can only answer. I like knowing the answers and that is how I work.

I do know that I would not do it over again...I need to make my future as bright as it can be. I won't accept anything less.

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