i feel like i am fucking up left and right...

coarse language here I come. I honestly do not know what I am doing and I feel as if I am screwing it all up. It makes me sad. I just do not know what to do. I should just let all the cards fall. I should just stop thinking about things I cannot control. I just wish i had a guidebook. ugh!

moving through life...

I continue to question....when will i be happy? I see people who are crappy people...and I am throwing out harsh language here but...to me they are crappy...and they are seemingly happy. I want to believe that it will happen for me one day and i felt a glimpse of that happiness recently. It was very brief and I know i made more out of than I should have but...it meant something to me and it still does. I have some faith..but who knows.


anyway..on to more important things...school. I think and hope that I will be doing full time grad school in the fall. BRING IT ON!!! I am beyond excited!!!! This is really what I want in my life. I want to complete my masters and move on in education. I want to teach and I want to pursue a doctoral degree. I think I have what it takes. I am starting to research topics for my thesis and I will not be cloistered into doing something I do not like. I want to be told what I have do my final thesis/portfolio on. Ugh! NO way!

I am also concluded that for a side project I want to write slogans for porn movies. I have recently been reading tag lines on magazines for them and they are horrible! I know I could do it better. I am not this porn fanatic but the names kill me. They are so funny. You just need to jazz up there descriptions and I think people may be more inclined to buy more porn. For example...in the movie.. I make it rain...its description could say, "in this liquidy flick, bambi gushes w/ excitement" or something ridiculous. What i am getting at is...they aren't so creative and I know i could be! it'd be so funny. I wouldn't have to watch the movies..just make up funny sayings.

anyway...i am moving...through life...i hope things happen and the thing is.i can only hope....just hope.

pompous, pretentious, pontificators....

that categorizes them.....to the T!

oh.... you writers....just because you yield a pen and a pad...and are not afraid to use it...you feel you are above us all..

use your pen...but use it wisely....

you have sufficiently stereotyped yourself by trying not to fit into a box....

well, my friends you are into this box that you are eloquently depicted in your leafy,loosey goosey prose....talking about how..ooh my gosh and golly....everyone else is so typical, so cardboard cutout---

i spot you a mile away...... YOU WILL NOT HESITATE TO SAY YOU ARE WRITER...yet i do....but the next question is...DO YOU HAVE MUCH PUBLISHED? umm...that doesn't measure the greatness of a writer...hello nora roberts or joan collins...

do me a favor.....while i perfect my craft and keep my stuff to myself and hold it dear...continue to keep that pen and pad with you at all times..BECAUSE YOU NEVER KNOW WHEN THE MOOD WILL STRIKE!! ill be in my corner...looking, waiting..and wondering.....

i will never be like you....i will never boast about my love....i will never be a pompous ass.......

thats the difference between you and me.......i don't care if i fit that mold...but you do... you fit it perfectly......my fit is too tight and can't hold me...your's will always fit snug and just right because you will never change but...I....I WILL! and it will be great and you...will stay the same....

so fellow writers...i should not say fellow...i should say...other writers..keep on writing in the coffeeshops, writing down every little thing...do what you do...i do what i do...see who feels more...vindicated and real at the end of the day.....i know i won't have to wash that nasty mold film...off my body like you all do.....

cheers.....fuckers...

new beginnings...

i need a new beginning.....

what i really want to do is live life...and get paid for it.....i want to write about it...blog...that is lame but...that is what i want to do.

dream jobs...i wish we all had them...i know i don't.

blog...blogs..log..logs..

writing seems to be my only refuge lately...

trauma..is the name of the game....

there are many things that i detest and the number one thing lately is being talked down to by men...

that annoys me...give me a break...that is all

when others say i do, i say i don't

i may be in the minority here but i don't feel the need to subsribe to the patriarchal system of marriage. i feel it is archaic. granted the government and corporate america feel it is necessary to ensure that having family and getting married allows you tax credit, medical insurance, etc. soo, that means if i don't want to spawn or marry..i got get the extra benefits?? that sucks.

i love asking the question why do you want children and i get the answer, "becuase that's what you are supposed to do?" did i miss a memo here or something?? we have free will sooo we don't have to do anything. we dont' need to further the species we've fucked it up enough.

stop reproducing people..in the long run we are better off. stop marrying...you keep fucking peeps up anyway...no one is better off married..most you all are divorced anyway..are you happier now or then??

so you think you know.....

so as was said before...there was more to come. well there is.

i started this blog because i thought it was a legitmate than a myspace blog. granted, anyone can read this one. so i will have to be careful about what i post. i think i will keep it light. more social commentary than anything

also, i named this blog "a decadent discourse" because we are in an age of self indulgence w/ everything. so to me, this is my self indulgence. i love to write. i love to write about my life experiences mainly. i see humor and idiocy everywhere so i like to spread the word.

anyone with a keyboard and a modem can become a published writer so, i decided since that's what i love to do. I might as well do something with it.

i will try to update atleast a few times a week. there will be angry rants about dumb stuff so if you don't want to read why i hate britney and the rest of the dumb blonds in hollywood then i suggest going to a different blog.

salutations.......