So long 2011, Hello 2012

2011 was not my best year. Let's face it, the past say 2-3 years have not been my best years. So, I am determined to make 2012 magnitudes better than the past. So far, I think it will be.

I started off 2011 with food poisoning and as I vomited I listened to Ryan Seacrest shout out the countdown to midnight like only he can: haughty, condescending and cheerful. It was great, just kidding. So my year started off...on the wrong foot. I will refrain from all the tawdry puns that I can conquer up.

It continued down the road of ugly with nasty emails riffs, lost and unsalvageable friendships, difficult  and tasking work projects and situations, heartbreak, family cancer diagnosis' and battles, scalp treatments, a crazy landlord, moving to another new place and all together loneliness without anyone to fall back on for support: friend or boyfriend. I am sure I left some fun trial and tribulations out but 2011 was altogether not stellar. I am not saying this as a poor me statement..it's just the truth. All of this happened this year and I am sure millions of others have had worse years.

2011 did have positive notes. My mother is on the mend...actually she's cancer free and her surgery scars are healing. I reconnected with my first and best friend from when I was a child and will be visiting her in Vegas in February. I started ballet and in the coming months I will be going to class in Boston with another instructor for more intense training. (I will still be at the same level she just has a different teaching style that I feel I can hone my skills with.) I also discovered that I still have the ability to connect with people and not everyone is utterly selfish and self absorbed and common courtesy still exists.

I learned that I will be allowed to learn another language essentially free of charge through work. I chose French and I cannot be more excited. Oui!

Finally, I did start writing again..although most of my gems were in emails to people. I did write. I am still conflicted about if I will keep this blog going. My "theme" really did not work for me which is rather sad. It should be easy to find things that you are thankful for, which I can but the effort I put into the blogs really did not show and I was not altogether pleased with the results. I still do not want to discuss my life which I am somewhat doing right now. Will I continue this? I do not know.

So, with all of the things I have to look forward to in 2012, it's shaping up to be a pretty decent year. I hope with these positive notes, things will fall into place in other parts of my life.  I can only hope.

The Snow Queen

So, I've decided that if I ever get married...that I want to look like the Snow Queen from the Nutcracker: She's fly and about 30 seconds in. Also my "husband" (husband in quotes because the dude doesn't exist in my life yet)  is going to have sorta look like the Snow King or Cavalier...sorry dude..no tights but that princely top thing...is all you, buddy.

Anyway...enough of that fantasy. I've recently discovered something by re-reading these recent blogs. I suck at writing. I am thankful I don't write everyday because I cannot possibly be "on" everyday of my life.  But wow..these blogs are trite and lack focus and some serious creativity. Bullocks!

I guess I am in some writing funk. I have been for a while. I've been putting my creative juices into cooking and baking (that sounds so disgusting). I enjoy it and it provides me with an outlet. Will I write "well" one day? I have no idea. Do I want to? Of course.

I think this drought is due to my lack of topics. I really do not know what to write about. I mean..I am writing why I am thankful I don't write everyday. That's just wrong. I mean I write emails everyday..I am not sure those count. Some are quite zazzy, though.

I could stick to things I know and love: fashion, dogs and food. I mean that sounds fun. I can give it a whirl. We will see what the new year brings. Fun and adventure I hope. 

Thanks-giving

Anyone see anything wrong with this post date?

I do. I am supposed to be writing a blog about things I am thankful for and I missed my kairos. Thanksgiving was two days ago for crying out loud. Oopsy.

So, what am I most thankful for? hmm...my family. I am thankful my mom's cancer didn't spread and she didn't need further treatment. I am thankful for her doctors and I am thankful she is healing..as slow as it is.

I also thankful for my family because they are all I have. This isn't meant to be a poor me statement. It is just a statement of fact. They are the only people in my life I can turn to and who will hopefully listen and guide me.  Too many times this year I've had to realized this and yes it's sad, but very, very true.

I tend to forget that selfishness is innate. Everyone is selfish in their own right and way and looks out for their wants, needs and desires. People do what they want to do and forget about how it effects other people. Thinking of others takes work, hard work at that. It is the type of work that a lot of people "don't have time for" or do not want to do. You cannot force anyone to do this type of work, they have to want to, thus the work happens on rare occasions.

I am thankful for selfless people-thinking of others before they think of themselves*. I do not know many who have this trait but I think some (very few actually) people have a little selflessness in them. My mom being one of them....she's a giver. Not all mothers are givers..just because you have children doesn't make you selfless...sorry..try again.

Anyway, I wish there was more selflessness in this world but for now I will take what I get, as little as it is. It's sad when someone does something completely unselfish that it's a complete surprise. I guess people missed the whole golden rule of life/biblical verse--do unto others..lesson.

So, I sit here and revel in my thankfulness for my family and one other giant thing in my life. Puppies. I have to say....I am thankful for puppies: cute, snuggly, squirmly, little puppies. They make me smile and relieve my stress. Dear God..where would I be without Google image search and The Daily Puppy. Thank you Google and all the puppy-loving uploaders out there.

*The -- was supposed to be an em dash but...nooooo. Stupid Blogger wouldn't allow my proper HTML. I attempted and failed twice. Boo.

The Dancer's Soul...

I recently started dancing again. I don't like to toot my own mini-horn but it was one of the best ideas I've had in a very long time.  Every week I put on my leotard and slip into my ballet shoes and I dance...not well..but I dance. I toddle across the floor or demi-plié at the barre. My always loose and crazy hair is tied back in ponytail and sometimes even a bun.

I am not sure if I can fully describe how I feel when I dance or if anyone who hasn't danced can fully understand the feelings of dance. It's a connection between mind, body, and soul. Some say yoga does this but those people probably never enjoyed dance and the expression and solace it provides.

I attempt grace and beauty..something writing could never give to me. You can write with grace and use beautiful words but you can never actually be grace or beauty or even create grace and beauty in writing. You can in ballet. You can achieve typified perfection in form and movement. My moves do not come close to the sought after perfection of ballet but I sure do try. I pull my hips in and my chest is wide and shoulders are back but not too far back...

I stifle giggles and grins when I go through our foot and barre work because I cannot contain how happy I am to be there. My teacher is a real ballerina. She danced professionally for a number of years and her husband dances for the Boston Ballet (the school of which I attend). She has the grace and ease of movement I desire. I may never achieve the dancer perfection but I will have danced. Danced the way my heart desires. Felt the movements and the joy of the actions all at once. I dance. I will always dance.*

So, today I am thankful for ballet, its beauty and movement. I am also thankful for my close proximity to the best ballet school in state. The joy and elation I've experienced in the past few months surpasses the downtrodden feelings of a bad day at work or terrible news.


*Random footnote: The Duggar Family does not dance...as like a rule! I would die!! That ain't right.

On Writing...

I decided to make this  blog about things I am thankful for but I've been struggling with write anything of substance. I used to be able to just write with ease and some would say grace....

Now..not so much...

So, in a hopes of getting this kick started...I am thankful for writing. It provided me with an outlet. Hopefully, it can do that again. Right now..it's difficult to put a well thought sentence together.

Maybe with acknowledging my love for writing, it will come back to me. I can only hope.

We have a focus.

After a discussion with my friend Katey (I don't think she reads this blog but whatever), I decided to re-focus this blog on things I am thankful for. At times in this blogged, I focused on the things that I didn't have or wanted and the blogs were very negative and they came across as a wee bit loony. So, I am moving on.

From now on, I will write about the things, no matter how ridiculous, that I am thankful for. I promise to still be witty but from time to time,  I will attempt to be thought provoking.  We know that will not happen often but I am going to try. 

I am thankful for a lot stupid things so get ready to chuckle. This is will be an enjoyable ride. 

Creatively Stiffled

I work in a job that does not allow me to use my creativity on a daily basis. I often partake in mindless tasks such as creating databases, meta data and alt tags. My mind often goes dead.

So, I am in a funk. I cannot think of subjects that I want to write about anymore. I haven't written for myself in a long time and I think I used to be pretty good at it. Now, I am mediocre at best.

So I sit her and babble...babble about nothing. I could talk about ballet and how much I enjoy it but that will wane thin after awhile.

How can foster my creativity and let it evolve?? Do I write everyday? Do I take more notice into how people act? Do I tweet and then write about it? Do I go on adventures? Do I take a fiction approach to this? What the crap do I do?

I need help. 

I have been mulling over the idea of adding to my memoir. I may refocus it  but again...I am unsure.

Oh boy....

People say write what you know but I don't know what I know anymore. Do I know fashion?  Sorta. Do I know food? Again..sorta. Do I know people? Hardly. I do know pop culture but again that wanes.

So I guess..this blog will be as unfocused as my life. I will attempt to write but I have the writer's block. 

I need to unblock myself and possibly let myself be as open as I used to be. I used to share almost anything here. I sounded a bit loony, I must say but I think opening myself up will take a bit more work.

For now, I am stuck.