For some reason....

I am at peace.

I know I am loved. I finally discovered this, this summer. With all the ups and downs and scary situations...I still have my core people around me, loving me no matter what.

I got to see all my old, favorite and wonderful friends this summer and I realized...they are my world and always will be. As I grow and changed and become the lady I want to be, they will always be there. They have been with me through my rides with work and grad school.

I am so lucky that they are in my life and at times I do not think I deserve them.

So, as I sit here and get weepy, my heart is very full. I see where I am going and I am excited. You all helped me accomplish this and I am eternally grateful. <3

I think I am living...

For the first time in my life, I think I am actually living. I know this may sound odd but I feel different. After all the strife and struggle over the past few years, I feel a little bit at peace.

I know the year coming will be difficult but I think I am up for the challenge.

This summer I have accomplished a lot. I went to a lot of wonderful museums, spent a lot of time with my friends and myself. I did stuff!! This is a grand departure than what I normally do. I acted on my impulses and went for it.

I didn't worry about dudes....well sorta but whatever. I just did what I wanted to do and enjoyed it. I tried to move on and move forward. I can only hope I achieved this.

School starts in a little over a week and I think I am ready to endure my final year. I can see May 23, 2010 and I am excited. I just need to get through the next 9 months...

I hope I do fun things and I also hope fun and happy things happen...I want to do more living.

Blogs on a Plane

First off, I must start by saying that "nice boy" aka as the fucker deleted me off of facebook. I was going to delete him but hey he beat me to the punch...whatever. Maybe he read this and didn't like the fact that I called him a fucker. Oh well, we didn't mesh. such is life. He really isn't a fucker..I was just using my words poorly and with a bit too much emotion. whoops.

Soooo, back to what I came here to write about. A few weeks ago, I wrote a few words on my flight to DC. Where do these lovely words reside? No idea.

***After some searching, I found them.*****

I am rethinking the direction this blog.

I started the blog as a peak into my life as my discourse with myself and the world: the tawdry, the timid, the terrific. It has slowly become my personal diary. I now see that it need direction, much like me. I'd rather not take on social issues but maybe my issues, socially: my struggles with the past, present and future, rather than a commentary on everyday life. I can construct letters to my world, of sorts.

The incomparable, John Donne, wrote in a letter to Henry Wotton (a very close pal), "Sir, more thatn kisses, letters mingle soules."

I cannot but shiver in delight when I read that. I take words seriously. They rest and unrest my mind. Mingling mildly around the, never suffices the neurons. Letters are what I live by. I study. I analyze. I construct. I try to choose wisely. I engulf myself into the realm of letters.

*********************************end of crazy plane writings

I think this is why I write. I love words. I love to use them..etc.

Now as I typed this, I realized that I never solved my blog problem. I still haven't focused my blog. I could keep it self absorbed and just talk about myself. What to do?

Weekend sightings

It's cool when you a guy you dated and went MIA on you, on a date with another girl at your favorite restaurant. (it was the boy referred to as nice boy in previous blogs..the fucker) Funny thing, I was walking up behind him as they were eating outside and i noticed his foot attire and I said to myself...I could never date a guy who wore mandals seriously..and turns out it was him. wtf! oh well...just oh well.

On the same night, I saw Jeffree Star shopping. It was a bit much..if you don't know who he is..google him and just take it all in.

Well...I have to say...I am somewhat content as of late. I enjoy my job, I enjoy my adventures (usually most are done alone) and I will be going back to school soon. I have a plan for the future. I know things rarely work out how you plan them because well that is life but I will try very hard for them to go smoothly.

I am excited to have a future. I want to live alone (dear god let me not have a roommate..I work to darn hard to save money for a place)..have a lovely decorated apartment..cook fun meals and entertain people, go out in a city (boston or whatever) and just experience fun things! I just want to have a life...a simple one is fine. I want to like my job..hopefully in writing... and just be me. I just want to achieve my goals and move forward.

I am trying not to be sad about things and looking at the bright side..I will get there I hope.

Feeling Free

My ventures into online dating have been well, tumultuous. I have all but quit but still speak with a few people.

But, today after much contemplation, I cut someone out of my life. I feel a bit bad but I caught them in a lie and realized, Nicole, you are better than this. I think this action was really a culmination of all of my experiences. It was a wake up call to my poor actions and judgment and very bad state of mind. It triggered something in me that said...end this now, it will help heal old wounds. So I did.

Most of my experiences have not been at all good. I never thought well of myself. I never thought I deserved it or them. I was just to lowly. But, now I do realize I deserve better. I am a nice, smart, funny gal. (I hate to sound like I am praising myself but whatever..)

All in all, I hope this brings me some peace.

It's funny, the ones I never meet, I seem to have to just cut out of my life. Oh well..I hope it all works out for the best!