If I could do it all over again...

I've been doing a lot of thinking (if that's anything different than usual) lately and a few thoughts ran across my mind. One that that keeps recurring in my tiny little brain is, If I could do it all over again....

This pertains to school choices, major choices, etc. If I could it all over again I would have actually looked into schools and been very serious about choices, locations majors. I would have majored in English and concentrated on Literature. I would have lived away, etc. I think by now I would have been on my way to a Ph.D. (fantasy) I know wasn't ready to embark on a very independent life at 18. I know that I wouldn't be remotely functional now if I did embark on that life.

Woulda, Shoulda, Coulda....

I didn't do any of those things. I constructed my own convoluted destiny. Am I happy about it? Yes and no. I think about all the people that I met through my own path and I am grateful. They have changed and shaped me as a person.

I do look back and wonder what if? But, I cannot be the person to always say..well I was gonna do that but I didn't. Why even bring it up? To me that is worse than failure because you never even tried. I need to be the person who do's and finishes.

I need to continue on my path no matter much I want to take every exit along the way. I don't know where It will lead me. I hope some place wonderful and lovely.

I did fulfill a few dreams and it is always important to have those. But now, I am not sure what they are anymore. I have goals. I fear I will no enjoy them once I accomplish them.

Are my goals the same as my dreams? I am not sure. I am not sure of anything lately.

This crossroads scares me. I want to complete things so badly but what is next? How will the chapter start? It better not be it was a dark and stormy night...I don't like scary stories.

As I look back, I am looking forward and dammit I am scared as shit. I have so many unanswered questions....all of them I can only answer. I like knowing the answers and that is how I work.

I do know that I would not do it over again...I need to make my future as bright as it can be. I won't accept anything less.

It's about that time again...

Yes, it's the time in my show where I hate my writing and lack confidence in it all. I begin to hate writing all together. I begin to have everything.

For example, I worked on my personal essay for hours and hours and began to hate it as I finished it. I wanted to make it funny and quirky and different, so I made it very me. I also added in footnotes. Yes, yes... I know..David Foster Wallace but I love parenthetical details and another voice brought into the mix so I used footnotes. Well, as I passed it in, I get..what is up with the footnotes. I said, they are part of the story and my essay. Then I say, have you ever seen a personal essay with footnotes and my response was, yes. That wasn't good enough but alas.

God dammit! I am already not happy with the piece don't make me more self conscious about it!!

Ugh..really...

This has been the week of experiences.

I think I feel very small this week and that is saying something because I am already small enough.

I feel like a hack to put it bluntly.

Ok, I need to stop being whiny and move on.

Feeling like a failure needs to end.

Stupid Decisions

So, I rejoined the Okcupid this past week. So far...not impressed. I don't expect anything out of it really. I think I was bored and said..why not? I really do not have time. I mean...I could but most of these dudes are not lighting my fire in anyway. I am just not..."feelin it."

Anyway...so what else? Oh yes, my new computer. I am very excited about it. My old one that I love so much is on its last leg. I do not think it will make it through this year of T4 and Thesis and whatever else comes my way.

Hmm..also...I had a very interesting experience last night that I am all unto sure about. oh well.

I am writing and I actually like what I am producing. We see how long that lasts. waa waa.

Stunted...

I am having another Peter Elbow moment. My writing is at a standstill. This memoir is crap. Every time I think I have a good angle..I do no think it's worth writing about. I also know that the prof is going to hate it, which is another reason why I cannot write. I am just waiting for her grimace. I used to write with ease and let it fly but i can't. I just think its all bullocks.

I came to the conclusion that I am dumb and thesis..is not for me. I try to draw conclusions from articles and all I have so far is: umm..duh? good times.

I have built all of this up so much that I was having a panic attack earlier. I walked away from writing because I couldn't handle it. What is wrong with me? Oh right...neurotic. that's it.

I am also convinced my hair is thinning. It could be from stress...but I am freaking out. :(

I shampooed with some stuff and now my hair smells like medicine...that can't be good.

crap...

wow..let the whining stop now. jeepers.

A bit of a snag..

I thought I would be able to write about the integral parts of my life for my faux memoir but I can't. It's been a year and a half and I stalled after I wrote..and along came the professor. I think I do not want to relive such happiness and such failure but I have to. I need to write about this. I think it may help me heal.

I do not want to shed anymore more tears over this either. I always think I am okay with it and that I have come to terms with it but I know I haven't.

Darnit. I cannot let this define me yet it has.

It doesn't help that this is the central topic to my pieces because some of my experiences are very funny but some (to me anyway) are just hurtful and heartbreaking. I know it is life but I just see all the positive experiences people have and I have yet to have one.

I have had experiences so that helps but sometimes it makes it even worse.

I will get through it but it won't be easy.

My life....

Discovering faith...

I have lost my faith which I have stated before but I never lost my fascination for it. Today I actually watched EWTN, which is the Global Catholic Network. I couldn't take my eyes off of it. What I enjoyed about the whole experience was the priest did not spew much vigorous "we all almighty and eternal" bullshit rhetoric. It was rather refreshing. They were discussing faith in a rather intelligent and logical way. Saying you either have it or you don't.

I find people who are so devoted (and logical about their faith...not fantical) so interesting. They just believe while I do not and desire much more evidence to believe a little more.

I love to learn the history of the Catholic faith and yes not all of it is pretty but most religious history is not. I find so much beauty in Catholic inspired art and literature, much like I found the beauty in the discussion they were having today. Both priests were so informed and were presenting facts. They weren't hankering for the side of the argument there were just plainly stating what had happened in the past and what people say. It was so refreshing.

I enjoyed myself. These men were just so informed and devoted. I am neither of the two. I think I want to be more informed becuase of this fascination but I am not sure. I would like to study the philosophy and psychology of religion. It is just peaking my interest.