2008...the year that made me

2008.
The year that shaped me.
I grew so much this year. I cannot make this flowery or poetic. It is just plain and simple facts. This year was momentous for me both personally and professionally.

I made many self discoveries and accomplished a lot of goals.

The most important thing I did was put myself out there. I am better for it.

I quit my job and started a journey of education and I love it! I found my niche! For once, I am happy with myself and my accomplishments. I did what I set out to do.

But on the personal side of things, good grief. I have not shed so many tears in a while but I have to say they were worth it. Well, most of them were.

so to sum up 2008, I did the following:

finally went full throttle into grad school and even TA
started dating (yes..started..shut it people...)
Quit my job of 6 years
Realized I am stronger than I thought I was
Made some amazing friends and met some intriguing and interesting people
Stepped in the right direction to make myself happy


in 2009 I will try to:
Learn French
Find what makes me even happier
Complete grad school
Travel
Get stronger physically and mentally.

and much more

2008 you were as bad as everyone thought you were...at least not for me.

Live the life of solitude...

I love words but sometimes words can hurt more than anything.

I heard some words last evening that cut me and made me rethink a lot of things in my life.

I do not know what to do. What i do know is that I am really hurt.

I know I am naive. I think some people are different but those who I think are different turn out to hurt me the most.

I should not shed tears over simple words but when your biggest fears and reasons for not doing so many things in life get spoken to you, it hurts.

decisions need to be made.

But one thing I can focus on is my french. Yay!

Semester Summation

Learning
Loving (well..not really)
Liking (a lot)


I worked. I learned. I think I found my niche.

I hope I found my niche.


my eyes hurt. this semester was a lot of reading and writing...well...that will soon be my life.

i have life decisions to make and I do not know what to do.


Hopefully..it will all works out.


i had such good ideas of what to write here..but alas i forgot!

vivid dreams and good memories

i ask myself over and over again..why haven't i moved on. I know they have. i have stopped trying. I did not want to but I am the fool.

when will i move on? limbo is not a game i like to play.

mincemeat.

that is what I feel like. No one likes it and it tries to be alluring.

Yes, that may sound a little harsh but I feel that way academically. I am rundown and I just need some rest and relaxation. i am antsy and want to cry. good times.


will i ever fulfill the dream of academic greatness? i sure hope so.

Elitism, Academia, and Me

ts 2 days until thanksgiving.

it feels like the semester just started.

my life is flying by.

i miss my friends. i miss my old life.

i miss having the luxury of going out and not feeling guilty. Now I go out and guilt overwhelms me because I have 50 papers to correct and 100 pages to read and a paper due in 2 days.

i cannot stress enough that graduate school is not a joke. My life is completely different, yet I am happy about it.

I long for days of random excursions and pointless nights of dancing.
Soon they will come.

I think this lonely feeling will subside once I can freely go out and buy groceries or go have tea by myself or with a friend. See human life once again.

Sometimes, I wonder, can i do this 3 more semesters? Do i have it in me? I can and I must. Will I accomplish my goals..i am not sure. I am also not sure if I changed them.

Can i swim in the pool of academia and elitism? I splash and i make waves. Will "they" accept that? I am different. I smile and giggle at puppies and get caught watching britney spears video's and carry around princess folders. I see the the strange looks. It makes me want to prove...there is room for me.

hey..i am tiny.

i will bold you over with my fanciful rhetoric and gained agency. i found my exigence.. (yeah..i made that a noun..deal..)

when you see your life..

lived by someone else.

I know this is stupid but while cruising the internet, I saw some woman, my age..living my desired life. And, it hurt. I don't know why. Well I do know why. It smacked my shortcomings in my face.

I do not desire to be her. No, not that at all. i want to be me, doing what she is doing and living the type of life she is.

oye.

in good news...this is going to sound creepy but.. one of my gray hairs feel out. I shed a lot and I found a long white hair and I know its mine. So, YIPPEE! one less white hair on my head!! I feel younger already. I felt like Dumbledore..no idea why.


I wish I constructed a more intellectual and brilliant blog but, this is all i got.

accepting your shortcomings....is moving on.

pride

Today I am proud. My heart smiles today. The Constitution's quest has almost been fulfilled. Thank you.

We voted for a man who will not take a woman's rights away....

We do live in the best country in the world.

The election was never about race for me. To me our new president is an honorable man. Just a man who wants to lead us. That is all.

i need....

a nap.
I am exhausted. Consistently doing school work makes a girl very, very, very tired and often times, unhappy, I just want to have a day to myself or not to myself...share it will another human and just chill out. A WHOLE DAY!!! 24 HOURS OF NON SCHOOL ACTIVITIES!!!

I must say that I do enjoy what I am doing but dang it, I am stressed. I feel like I am carrying a lot of weight on my tiny shoulders Well, since I carry a ton of books and my laptop to and fro..I guess I am carrying a lot of weight.

Not much else is new. How can something be new if I do not do anything?????? hehehehe....

calgon take me away....

I cannot wait until intersession...i will not know what to do with myself

Inspiration...

Queen Elizabeth I you inspire me everyday. A bastard child then the queen of england and a woman in the 16th (?) century your agency...strength..valor, loyalty...honor, love....chaste

queen elizabeth if i do 1/100 of what you did..i will have done something with my life.

I am such a pushover...

I suddenly realized this today. I will go back to people who have done me wrong or hurt me. wow... I believe in second chances, even if it hurts me. I want to believe in the good in people. I know its there.

Is this a flaw of mine or good trait?

I also take things too personally which then is a detriment to me because I internalize things. i care too much. oh well...i am who i am.


I am too afraid to do a lot of things. I fear judgement and rejection. I think it is because I have been rejected so many times before. that is another oh well moment.

i am also in a stressed out moment. haha i need to calm down. take a breather and step back. perfection is not the norm nor is it attainable.

i cannot help but think....

that I will succeed. I know these are good thoughts but honestly, these are the only thoughts I can have. I cannot fail. I worked for too long and hard for what I want. I know i want to write, although that is not always clear in this blog. I write fairly bad on this but..hey...I do not always shoot for perfect. In my school work, I do. This is usually my therapy session.

anyway..oh school..you are my life.

My life is so different now. I like it. I work a lot but I am learning. I am concerned I am not giving it my all.

also i want to learn a new grammar tool each week!!! i am such a dork!!!

gerund.....

I am a fan of writing letters

I have this new concept in my head..writing letters.

I want to continue doing pieces as letters. I have one started. It is from my vagina to me. Its actually very funny. I have another one to my other from me. Its not so funny. hahaha


I suggest that no one spends 7 hrs in library. Its just wrong. Rhianna ringtones will go off at high decibels and it ruin your concentration.

damn..my grammar is horrible on this blog.

oh wells..

i have come to a conclusion that the worst day at my current job is far better than any day at my old job. hehe!

halloween is fast approaching and my costume is set!! yippee!

work, work, work

Work consists of my entire life. I do like it but it is taking its toll.

In other news, there is no other news. I work and do school work.

Also I have reached complete and total geekdom. Right now I am on a PC laptop which I just bought but behind me, making glorious noise is my MAC...all lonely. yes, i have 2 laptops...why? i would like to that a stupid class i am taking.
I do not love the web or writing on it.

oh wait.......

ha!

GET OUT! GET OUT OF MY LIFE!!

BECAUSE YOU JUST KEEP ME HANGING ON!!

I will no longer hang on. I have to set people free. I have to let myself go and make the past the past. It can no longer be my present.


I am hurt but I am healing. You had your chances and you did not take them. I now know none of you wanted me.

Too bad...I am even better now.

In other news.. my students are killing. I love seeing the deteriorating education values at work. woo hoo....

You know what? I am happy and the funny thing is, I made myself that way. I did it. No one else. yahoooooooooooooooooooooo!

I am sick of the grumpy pants in my life..

Honestly...I am trying to stay positive. I have so much on my plate right now I cannot get down on myself. I am already confused enough. I want things so badly that I can taste them. I can only hope they can happen.

So...if you are a grumpy pants and always thinking of bad things..stay away. I am already thinking of the worst so..I don't need more bad things. I feel selfish but...goodness I am working so hard right now. I just want to be happy too.

floods of emotions..women don't have it easy.

Why are women so emotional? Oh..I know why? We have a surplus of hormones flowing through our bodies at all times because we are biologically chosen to have children.

I love being a women. I do, but at times I do know what the difference between up and down are. I feel so much more than I should. I seriously get so crazy and then I level out. yes, this is normal. I just wish life things didn't run its course during those days. hahahahaaha

honestly, I am one confused girl. I would like to be unconfused real soon.

Everything is so fresh and new in my life and I don't know how to take it. I would like it to continue. I think I can handle them. I sure hope so.

I just want to feel a little more on even.

my life is but a dream...

I feel as if I am living in a dream. I cannot describe but I will do my best.

I feel as if everything is falling into place.

The pieces fit snugly and with precision.

The joy seeped in without my knowledge.

There are so many challenges that I am ready to face with a strong mind and a willing heart. I cannot believe I am here. I am doing what I want. The dream is my life.

wow

really? because I am over it.

I am over a lot.

I am over feeling guilty about being happy and doing well for myself.

I am over lazy people.

I am over insane logic..which I have.

I am over putting my faith in people.

I am over Flo Rida...

I am over vacuousness.

I am over people who try to hard.

I am over pretentiousness.

yes i over a lot but mostly..i am under things.

hehehehehe

the diligent, dutiful daughter...

as the realization of my mother's stroke, hit me, it occurred to me, i will be left to take care of her if she ever has another or gets worse. Yes, I have a father and a brother but...my brother sucks and my father is a busy man. He would quit the government for her but I do not think she would let him.

It is always left up to the daughter....

I finally am starting to have everything I want in life and will i have to leave it all? I am just hypothesizing here but I do not think its fair. I am expected to be the caretaker.

This makes me want to move far away and leave it all behind but I have guilt. I want to make my life and accomplish my goals.

I saw what my mother had to go through caring for my grandmother and my uncle sat idly by and helped occasionally. I do not want to do that. I shouldn't have to. I wouldn't have to abandon my dreams if people were normal; if my brother helped and was a normal human. sad....

dear abercrombie and victoria's secret,

i hate you. honestly...you trick people into thinking you have well made products. This is far from the truth. Abercrombie, I will give it to you, your jeans are glorious but honestly...why are they $80. I mean, I hate to be narcissistic and all but my ass look amazing in them. Aside from that..your stuff is overpriced and pretty plain and ugly..victoria's..ugh.. just ugh.. I love how you fool many females into thinking that you will embody femininity if you where their garments. That could be the furthest from the truth. Your underwear is supposed to be uber sexy and what not but really...it just doesn't fit right and really isn't that sexy...ass cheeks hanging out and constant wedgies...blechs.


I will now get off my store rant and move on to other things. I am very stressed. Today..I got shots for school and it turned into a catastrophe. It was awful. I almost passed out. I had a mini anxiety attack. yuck.

I am in this stressed out emotional mood and I want it to go away. Is there something such as wanting something too much?? I honestly think there is. This pickle is now just getting worse and worse.

What else do i have to say? Well, another friday night..at home. oh the joys. I wish I had more gumption.

confessions....

i must confess that i love the new layout of my bloggy. hehehe


i may or may not have gotten myself into a pickle and one that i can easily get myself out of but i am not sure if i can. i am scared.

anyway, i am almost through with work but I am giving them 2 more days..the fuckers...but i did screw them over on the weekend. yay! hehehehehe

OOH I FOUND OUT SOME INSANE NEWS!!!!! my truck driver writes erotic novels...i was beyond pumped!!!! I want to see where he gets published and what not. i also would like to read some of them. Bring on the funnies!! heheheh

also..jenna jameson has a new movie coming out...do i want to see it?? not really sure...i read her book. it was intriuging..i learned some shit. .

oye..really... i am so scared for school. :(

things that make me sad..an awesome blog.

In hopes of trying to flush out bad thoughts I have decided to make a list of things that freak me out or make me a little sad and some that are just hillarious.


1. the fact the usher's joint, love in dis club...didn't blow up!!!!
2. my momma being sick...it scares me. :( strokes even small ones..are scary.
3. school...im legit terrified of failing.
4. the shots i have to get for school.
5. my impending invasive dr.'s appt in a few weeks. :(
6. this pickle that i may have gotten myself into.
7. grass on my feet
8. petchuli
9. weeds...well they make me ripshit..not weed..just weeds..the garden pest
10. women w/ dreadlocks and hair armpits..really...really...you are a rastafarian? cool.
11. my feet....yes....my own tootsties...i wear flats daily...nuff said.


there are more but i think i need to write another blog.

this week...jeepers.

well..this week has had its ups and downs. I have to take in considerations its ups. I will be a full time graduate student and a TA. I will be teaching 2 sections of Business Communications on my own. I am terrified but the thing is...this is what i want to be doing with my life. It is hard for me to realize that dreams do come true. This is my reality. Things never work out for me but...maybe this time they will...maybe..just maybe...my life will fall into place.

that is all i can hope for.

i will not go into the downs of this week..tears will fill my eyes like last time. I just have to continue to move forward. It could fall into place.

i feel like i am fucking up left and right...

coarse language here I come. I honestly do not know what I am doing and I feel as if I am screwing it all up. It makes me sad. I just do not know what to do. I should just let all the cards fall. I should just stop thinking about things I cannot control. I just wish i had a guidebook. ugh!

moving through life...

I continue to question....when will i be happy? I see people who are crappy people...and I am throwing out harsh language here but...to me they are crappy...and they are seemingly happy. I want to believe that it will happen for me one day and i felt a glimpse of that happiness recently. It was very brief and I know i made more out of than I should have but...it meant something to me and it still does. I have some faith..but who knows.


anyway..on to more important things...school. I think and hope that I will be doing full time grad school in the fall. BRING IT ON!!! I am beyond excited!!!! This is really what I want in my life. I want to complete my masters and move on in education. I want to teach and I want to pursue a doctoral degree. I think I have what it takes. I am starting to research topics for my thesis and I will not be cloistered into doing something I do not like. I want to be told what I have do my final thesis/portfolio on. Ugh! NO way!

I am also concluded that for a side project I want to write slogans for porn movies. I have recently been reading tag lines on magazines for them and they are horrible! I know I could do it better. I am not this porn fanatic but the names kill me. They are so funny. You just need to jazz up there descriptions and I think people may be more inclined to buy more porn. For example...in the movie.. I make it rain...its description could say, "in this liquidy flick, bambi gushes w/ excitement" or something ridiculous. What i am getting at is...they aren't so creative and I know i could be! it'd be so funny. I wouldn't have to watch the movies..just make up funny sayings.

anyway...i am moving...through life...i hope things happen and the thing is.i can only hope....just hope.