Something rash

I've always wanted to travel. I want to explore things. See the sights everyone talks about that I've never seen. I want to experience life unlike my own.

As I go to interviews and apply for jobs, I do not and cannot see myself working at these places. I appreciate and cherish the experiences but I know they are not for me. I love what I do now and I want to continue doing it. I know there is a job out there that will allow me to edit, revise, write content solely for the web. Right now, I am not finding it. But in the meantime, I need do something else. I need to explore and I really think I need an adventure.

I know I am going to miss teaching dearly. I will miss my students. I will miss helping them and seeing them grow as writers. I will never forget the feeling I felt when I realized that a student actually listened to what I said during a lecture and used what we did in an exercise in her paper. I was so happy! But, I wasn't happy for me, I was happy for her. Her paper was beautiful. That is something you cannot replicate. It makes me smile.

But, as I slowly resolve into a new decision about my life, I look ahead. I want to continue to write no matter what but do I want to continue to teach? I am not sure. I love it. It's so much fun. I think I need to be away from it for a bit to figure out if that is something I really want to do with my life. After everything that has happened with teaching, I still find it exhilarating and I think that says something.

Anyway, back to this adventure. I think I need to do something unexpected. I've had these thoughts with me for a while and I've talked about them before. I think I need to travel by myself to the places I've dreamed out. I need to visit France, England, Rome, etc. But, I need to do it alone. This isn't going to be some soul searching jaunt around Europe. It's going to be a much needed vacation and intellectual experience. I can expand my mind, read, see beautiful things.

Thinking about this opportunity makes me happy. I want it to happen. I think it may clear my head and allow me to realize what I really want to do with my life. Do I want to continue teaching and my education or do I want to enter the workforce once again?

Today in Rape Culture: Dancing at the Club

Okay, so I am "borrowing" part of this title from a few feminist blogs but I just need to share this.

I do not go out often but every time I do I am astounded. What ever happened to asking a girl dance? No? All I see or experience is the random firm on the hip and a penis being jostled into my ass or back. Umm...I DON'T KNOW YOU NOR DO I WANT YOUR GENITALIA NEAR OR ON ME! Thank you. Who or what gave you that right?

I really do not think men understand how creepy and alarming it is when they do that. How would you like it if a random person..you cannot see came up behind you, grabbed you, and started rubbing their junk all up on you? Fun? I didn't think so.

There are boundaries that are consistently crossed and I hate it. If I say not I do not want to dance with you, it means no. Do not sit on me (this happened to my friend) or continue to dance and grind on me. Stop! Respect my decision.

Also when I see a woman pretty much dry humping and dry fucking a dude up against a wall and other people are pictures of it that are pretty much being directly uploaded to the web, it disgusts me. People you've just violated that woman in more ways that one. Yes, it was her choice to get VERY inappropriate with this man but, she didn't agree to have it documented.

I had a dude ask me to dance last evening..by his crunk friend but I declined because of I early saw him partake in the picture taking and dry fucking of another lady. Yep, sorry...ya gross. Be a gentleman and maybe I will dance with you and if I dance crazy...you deal don't rub ya hungry junk on me.

R-E-S-P-E-C-T

Get some..

That is all. :)

Times are a changing...

Well, I hate to do this but I am going to complain. I need to get a few things off my chest. Well, a lot of things.

So, a few months ago I thought it would be a fun idea to have a graduation party but now I am rethinking the whole deal. I will still have it but..honestly, I really don't want to do it. Why? Well, I have few people to invite outside of grad school friends. I am close to very few people who knew me prior to grad school. Does that make me sad? Yes, a little bit.

As I transition into life after grad school, I will no longer be able to identify myself as the grad school Nicole. I will slowly return to the pre and post grad school Nicole. I'd like to have people in my life who knew me before but at this point, I really do not see that happening. We all grow and see our priorities change, others do not or grow in a different direction.

I know I have some very good friends who know me now and one who knew me then. But, the others, I am a bit sad about. Maybe, we don't want to know each other now or maybe they just want to know themselves.

I am stepping out into this world alone, like I have been this entire year. It's been very hard and not a hell of a lot of fun. I have few people to turn to, hopefully, they will be there if I need them.

I saw you...

Yes, I did.

I saw you walking down the street as I sat correcting papers in the window of my favorite teashop. You were with a gaggle of your ivy friends. Yes, I saw you, in your terribly disgusting, way too hipster, purple puffy coat and Conan-like hair. My stomach fluttered but all I could do was laugh because you are most definitely a big bag of douche. I really hope you saw me sitting there not noticing you until you already walked by. Yes, I laughed at you. I shook my head. Your loss buddy. Thanks for returning those emails.

Addendum: If you are reading this, I've tried for a long time to not think you are a douche bag but I finally saw the hand that was dealt to me.

One is such a lonely number...

Well, I've done it again as usual. I've put myself out there and well....the end result was what I was expected, I was let down. I guess I should have known. This continues to happens to me and I really don't know why. It just makes me sad.

As I sit here and try not to cry, I think wow..is this going to go on like this forever. I hate being alone...28 years has been a long time to be alone. It sucks.

I used to feel okay about being alone. I had friends. I went out and did things but now, I do not. I've sacrificed everything for grad school. EVERYTHING. I quit my job. Most of my friends that I used to hold dear, I no longer speak to. I don't go out. I spend almost all of my time doing school work. So, essentially, I have no one and do nothing. Has it been worth it? I am not sure yet. I have no end result. I get hounded by people to look for jobs but, yeah, cannot apply for jobs if I have nothing to show them. Anyway.....yes, so I am waiting and anticipating the next chapter in my life.

Currently, I am not enjoying what is going on around me. I need a change. I cannot wait for it to come. Maybe when that happens, I will feel better. I can only hope. Maybe I won't be alone so much anymore.

The Purity Myth

So, I stumbled upon VH1's The New Virginity documentary. Wow, creepy. With all the talk of saving yourself, pledging yourself to your father, I got an idea. It gave me some fuel to finally finish my book. You may think, how does a book reality to Vh1? Well, my book has sort a sexual or nonsexual theme. In your hyper-sexualized society, there is a pressure to be a number of things for women: pure, sexual, etc. But why? Why do we feel this way? Is it societal pressures? Is it our religion? Is it just our crazy selves? I want to find out. Well, I have been trying to figure this out years. I really am going to put some effort into it now. I hope my results are fruitful.

Dear Justin Timberlake,

I am sorry I have been so mean to you. I have been making fun of your glasses and lack of aging gracefully as of late. I mean you've looked a bit tore up in the last few photos I've seen of you. Also, you really do not deserve the Hasty Pudding award but bygones and moving on.

I retract previously said statements because well, I recently discovered, I am not aging well.

I loved you 10 years ago, maybe even 11 and I should still give you props...well....yeah...you've done some bad tours and movies so you deserve a little less props. Anyway, props to you.

So, JT, as we both are born in the same year, I think I will let your aging and bad looks slide.

Loved you lots in '99,

The girl who is going to buy her first bottle of anti-aging eye cream after she leaves work today....