I saw you...

Yes, I did.

I saw you walking down the street as I sat correcting papers in the window of my favorite teashop. You were with a gaggle of your ivy friends. Yes, I saw you, in your terribly disgusting, way too hipster, purple puffy coat and Conan-like hair. My stomach fluttered but all I could do was laugh because you are most definitely a big bag of douche. I really hope you saw me sitting there not noticing you until you already walked by. Yes, I laughed at you. I shook my head. Your loss buddy. Thanks for returning those emails.

Addendum: If you are reading this, I've tried for a long time to not think you are a douche bag but I finally saw the hand that was dealt to me.

One is such a lonely number...

Well, I've done it again as usual. I've put myself out there and well....the end result was what I was expected, I was let down. I guess I should have known. This continues to happens to me and I really don't know why. It just makes me sad.

As I sit here and try not to cry, I think wow..is this going to go on like this forever. I hate being alone...28 years has been a long time to be alone. It sucks.

I used to feel okay about being alone. I had friends. I went out and did things but now, I do not. I've sacrificed everything for grad school. EVERYTHING. I quit my job. Most of my friends that I used to hold dear, I no longer speak to. I don't go out. I spend almost all of my time doing school work. So, essentially, I have no one and do nothing. Has it been worth it? I am not sure yet. I have no end result. I get hounded by people to look for jobs but, yeah, cannot apply for jobs if I have nothing to show them. Anyway.....yes, so I am waiting and anticipating the next chapter in my life.

Currently, I am not enjoying what is going on around me. I need a change. I cannot wait for it to come. Maybe when that happens, I will feel better. I can only hope. Maybe I won't be alone so much anymore.

The Purity Myth

So, I stumbled upon VH1's The New Virginity documentary. Wow, creepy. With all the talk of saving yourself, pledging yourself to your father, I got an idea. It gave me some fuel to finally finish my book. You may think, how does a book reality to Vh1? Well, my book has sort a sexual or nonsexual theme. In your hyper-sexualized society, there is a pressure to be a number of things for women: pure, sexual, etc. But why? Why do we feel this way? Is it societal pressures? Is it our religion? Is it just our crazy selves? I want to find out. Well, I have been trying to figure this out years. I really am going to put some effort into it now. I hope my results are fruitful.

Dear Justin Timberlake,

I am sorry I have been so mean to you. I have been making fun of your glasses and lack of aging gracefully as of late. I mean you've looked a bit tore up in the last few photos I've seen of you. Also, you really do not deserve the Hasty Pudding award but bygones and moving on.

I retract previously said statements because well, I recently discovered, I am not aging well.

I loved you 10 years ago, maybe even 11 and I should still give you props...well....yeah...you've done some bad tours and movies so you deserve a little less props. Anyway, props to you.

So, JT, as we both are born in the same year, I think I will let your aging and bad looks slide.

Loved you lots in '99,

The girl who is going to buy her first bottle of anti-aging eye cream after she leaves work today....

Coming into my own...

My spirits are lifted for now anyway. So far this week have been well., wonderful. I have a very positive attitude toward this crazy semester. It is my last one and I want to cherish it. I have to. I know the work load will be immense but, I can handle it. I need to focus. I know in about a month I need to look for jobs and really start preparing myself to leave school but for now. I am cherishing my work, the faculty, my students and my fellow students.

I feel prepared and ready. Hopefully, this continues through the Spring and graduation! ;)

I hear the ticking of the clock....

Have you ever had just one of those weeks where you feel isolated, alone and just flat out lonely? (cue infomercial music) No, well....I have...most of the time that is my life. This week has been pretty bad.

I like doing things alone but when people are around you in groups and are just so thrilled to be together, it often takes a toll. I visited 2 museums this week and that was the case. Needless to say, I was a bit annoyed and saddened. Yay for strong independent woman. Boo for lonely sad girl in the corner....

Yes, I have friends but my local friends, I seem to lack a connection with lately. I don't want to say this but they seem to not get grad school or the predicament I am in. I try to see the positive but really, currently, I have no idea where my life is going once school ends. It is a big question mark. I have nothing really keeping me here either but if I move I feel that I will experience more sitting at home alone every night of the week. Woo..fun times.

Something that triggered this feeling occurred yesterday and I felt like I was in high school again. I instantly became the smart girl in class that tucked her head down to become invisible. I have started to go out to do my work because I was sick of wearing pjs the whole day and looking like a crazy person. So, this place I got to, near said school I go to, is free wi-fi..so yay and I've noticed a bunch of fools from my high school frequent the joint. Joyous..anyway..I spotted this busty ditz I used to loathe from high school..captivating the attention of a few dudes I had spoken to the week before and I instantly got that feeling of..the ugly duckling. I don't know why...it just came back to me. Her annoying cackling laughter and her vapidness made me angry. The dudes were douches but it just made me feel weird. I did not like it. I relived a part of my life that I hated. It was almost out a movie for a minute or 2. I wanted to get away.

I just need to pick myself up by the bootstraps and keep on going. I don't feel sorry for myself but I just want to get my life going. The semester starts in a week and reality will kick in. I will finish and who knows what else.

Oh and in good news...my nightmare of getting a C+ in thesis prep, did not come true. woo! I am going to go into this semester with that attitude that I will stomp out my classes while wearing my 4inch patent leather stilettos and a smile. I think it will help.

Thoughts on life...

So, I learned today that a faculty member passed away. He was only 38, although he did have a long illness, it just struck me as very, very tragic and sad. He had small children and a brilliant mind.

Time is so precious and sometimes I feel I am wasting time with my life or that I do not live it to the fullest. I have so many more have nots than I do haves. I strive to change that and at times I feel like I am not doing a good job of it. I want to do great things and I feel I have waited to look but as they say, there is not time like the present. Work, Work, Work....I must press on and try to accomplish what I set out to do but I also must remember to stop and smell the roses sometimes. It's not that important to have a well worded website....that isn't what life is about.

In other news, I am trying to write more poetry. The deadline for submissions is coming up and I am just going to send a shit ton of crappy poems to Temper. Just saying...

Oh man...1 more semester...Nicole will be in the working world..yet again... I hope it all works out for the best.