A Decadent Discourse....

So long 2011, Hello 2012

2011-12-25T22:14:00.000-05:00

2011 was not my best year. Let's face it, the past say 2-3 years have not been my best years. So, I am determined to make 2012 magnitudes better than the past. So far, I think it will be.

I started off 2011 with food poisoning and as I vomited I listened to Ryan Seacrest shout out the countdown to midnight like only he can: haughty, condescending and cheerful. It was great, just kidding. So my year started off...on the wrong foot. I will refrain from all the tawdry puns that I can conquer up.

It continued down the road of ugly with nasty emails riffs, lost and unsalvageable friendships, difficult and tasking work projects and situations, heartbreak, family cancer diagnosis' and battles, scalp treatments, a crazy landlord, moving to another new place and all together loneliness without anyone to fall back on for support: friend or boyfriend. I am sure I left some fun trial and tribulations out but 2011 was altogether not stellar. I am not saying this as a poor me statement..it's just the truth. All of this happened this year and I am sure millions of others have had worse years.

2011 did have positive notes. My mother is on the mend...actually she's cancer free and her surgery scars are healing. I reconnected with my first and best friend from when I was a child and will be visiting her in Vegas in February. I started ballet and in the coming months I will be going to class in Boston with another instructor for more intense training. (I will still be at the same level she just has a different teaching style that I feel I can hone my skills with.) I also discovered that I still have the ability to connect with people and not everyone is utterly selfish and self absorbed and common courtesy still exists.

I learned that I will be allowed to learn another language essentially free of charge through work. I chose French and I cannot be more excited. Oui!

Finally, I did start writing again..although most of my gems were in emails to people. I did write. I am still conflicted about if I will keep this blog going. My "theme" really did not work for me which is rather sad. It should be easy to find things that you are thankful for, which I can but the effort I put into the blogs really did not show and I was not altogether pleased with the results. I still do not want to discuss my life which I am somewhat doing right now. Will I continue this? I do not know.

So, with all of the things I have to look forward to in 2012, it's shaping up to be a pretty decent year. I hope with these positive notes, things will fall into place in other parts of my life. I can only hope.

The Snow Queen

2011-12-04T19:16:00.001-05:00

So, I've decided that if I ever get married...that I want to look like the Snow Queen from the Nutcracker: She's fly and about 30 seconds in. Also my "husband" (husband in quotes because the dude doesn't exist in my life yet) is going to have sorta look like the Snow King or Cavalier...sorry dude..no tights but that princely top thing...is all you, buddy.

Anyway...enough of that fantasy. I've recently discovered something by re-reading these recent blogs. I suck at writing. I am thankful I don't write everyday because I cannot possibly be "on" everyday of my life. But wow..these blogs are trite and lack focus and some serious creativity. Bullocks!

I guess I am in some writing funk. I have been for a while. I've been putting my creative juices into cooking and baking (that sounds so disgusting). I enjoy it and it provides me with an outlet. Will I write "well" one day? I have no idea. Do I want to? Of course.

I think this drought is due to my lack of topics. I really do not know what to write about. I mean..I am writing why I am thankful I don't write everyday. That's just wrong. I mean I write emails everyday..I am not sure those count. Some are quite zazzy, though.

I could stick to things I know and love: fashion, dogs and food. I mean that sounds fun. I can give it a whirl. We will see what the new year brings. Fun and adventure I hope.

Thanks-giving

2011-11-26T20:00:00.001-05:00

Anyone see anything wrong with this post date?

I do. I am supposed to be writing a blog about things I am thankful for and I missed my kairos. Thanksgiving was two days ago for crying out loud. Oopsy.

So, what am I most thankful for? hmm...my family. I am thankful my mom's cancer didn't spread and she didn't need further treatment. I am thankful for her doctors and I am thankful she is healing..as slow as it is.

I also thankful for my family because they are all I have. This isn't meant to be a poor me statement. It is just a statement of fact. They are the only people in my life I can turn to and who will hopefully listen and guide me. Too many times this year I've had to realized this and yes it's sad, but very, very true.

I tend to forget that selfishness is innate. Everyone is selfish in their own right and way and looks out for their wants, needs and desires. People do what they want to do and forget about how it effects other people. Thinking of others takes work, hard work at that. It is the type of work that a lot of people "don't have time for" or do not want to do. You cannot force anyone to do this type of work, they have to want to, thus the work happens on rare occasions.

I am thankful for selfless people-thinking of others before they think of themselves*. I do not know many who have this trait but I think some (very few actually) people have a little selflessness in them. My mom being one of them....she's a giver. Not all mothers are givers..just because you have children doesn't make you selfless...sorry..try again.

Anyway, I wish there was more selflessness in this world but for now I will take what I get, as little as it is. It's sad when someone does something completely unselfish that it's a complete surprise. I guess people missed the whole golden rule of life/biblical verse--do unto others..lesson.

So, I sit here and revel in my thankfulness for my family and one other giant thing in my life. Puppies. I have to say....I am thankful for puppies: cute, snuggly, squirmly, little puppies. They make me smile and relieve my stress. Dear God..where would I be without Google image search and The Daily Puppy. Thank you Google and all the puppy-loving uploaders out there.

*The -- was supposed to be an em dash but...nooooo. Stupid Blogger wouldn't allow my proper HTML. I attempted and failed twice. Boo.

The Dancer's Soul...

2011-11-14T20:52:00.001-05:00

I recently started dancing again. I don't like to toot my own mini-horn but it was one of the best ideas I've had in a very long time. Every week I put on my leotard and slip into my ballet shoes and I dance...not well..but I dance. I toddle across the floor or demi-plié at the barre. My always loose and crazy hair is tied back in ponytail and sometimes even a bun.

I am not sure if I can fully describe how I feel when I dance or if anyone who hasn't danced can fully understand the feelings of dance. It's a connection between mind, body, and soul. Some say yoga does this but those people probably never enjoyed dance and the expression and solace it provides.

I attempt grace and beauty..something writing could never give to me. You can write with grace and use beautiful words but you can never actually be grace or beauty or even create grace and beauty in writing. You can in ballet. You can achieve typified perfection in form and movement. My moves do not come close to the sought after perfection of ballet but I sure do try. I pull my hips in and my chest is wide and shoulders are back but not too far back...

I stifle giggles and grins when I go through our foot and barre work because I cannot contain how happy I am to be there. My teacher is a real ballerina. She danced professionally for a number of years and her husband dances for the Boston Ballet (the school of which I attend). She has the grace and ease of movement I desire. I may never achieve the dancer perfection but I will have danced. Danced the way my heart desires. Felt the movements and the joy of the actions all at once. I dance. I will always dance.*

So, today I am thankful for ballet, its beauty and movement. I am also thankful for my close proximity to the best ballet school in state. The joy and elation I've experienced in the past few months surpasses the downtrodden feelings of a bad day at work or terrible news.

*Random footnote: The Duggar Family does not dance...as like a rule! I would die!! That ain't right.

On Writing...

2011-11-07T21:26:00.000-05:00

I decided to make this blog about things I am thankful for but I've been struggling with write anything of substance. I used to be able to just write with ease and some would say grace....

Now..not so much...

So, in a hopes of getting this kick started...I am thankful for writing. It provided me with an outlet. Hopefully, it can do that again. Right now..it's difficult to put a well thought sentence together.

Maybe with acknowledging my love for writing, it will come back to me. I can only hope.

We have a focus.

2011-11-02T21:16:00.001-04:00

After a discussion with my friend Katey (I don't think she reads this blog but whatever), I decided to re-focus this blog on things I am thankful for. At times in this blogged, I focused on the things that I didn't have or wanted and the blogs were very negative and they came across as a wee bit loony. So, I am moving on.

From now on, I will write about the things, no matter how ridiculous, that I am thankful for. I promise to still be witty but from time to time, I will attempt to be thought provoking. We know that will not happen often but I am going to try.

I am thankful for a lot stupid things so get ready to chuckle. This is will be an enjoyable ride.

Creatively Stiffled

2011-10-27T21:46:00.002-04:00

I work in a job that does not allow me to use my creativity on a daily basis. I often partake in mindless tasks such as creating databases, meta data and alt tags. My mind often goes dead.

So, I am in a funk. I cannot think of subjects that I want to write about anymore. I haven't written for myself in a long time and I think I used to be pretty good at it. Now, I am mediocre at best.

So I sit her and babble...babble about nothing. I could talk about ballet and how much I enjoy it but that will wane thin after awhile.

How can foster my creativity and let it evolve?? Do I write everyday? Do I take more notice into how people act? Do I tweet and then write about it? Do I go on adventures? Do I take a fiction approach to this? What the crap do I do?

I need help.

I have been mulling over the idea of adding to my memoir. I may refocus it but again...I am unsure.

Oh boy....

People say write what you know but I don't know what I know anymore. Do I know fashion? Sorta. Do I know food? Again..sorta. Do I know people? Hardly. I do know pop culture but again that wanes.

So I guess..this blog will be as unfocused as my life. I will attempt to write but I have the writer's block.

I need to unblock myself and possibly let myself be as open as I used to be. I used to share almost anything here. I sounded a bit loony, I must say but I think opening myself up will take a bit more work.

For now, I am stuck.

Ling-er-eeeee!

2011-10-08T23:08:00.001-04:00

It's Saturday evening...not late by Saturday night standards but late by my standards and I want to talk about lingerie.

I decided a little while ago that I'd write about themes and probably mingle in my person life and views. So, today's theme: Lingerie.

Today, I had the great pleasure of making a purchase at a store that I've dreamed about making a purchase at: Agent Provocateur

This company produces more risque attire for ladies but...the quality and the beauty of their pieces exceeds expectations. I've always admired their mix of kink, vintage and fashion pieces and the creative way they produce their lines. They name each line after a woman and give it a personality, a life and a meme, per say.Sometimes they go as far as making little short films/ads. The films are sexy and often very cute noirs..not my favorite but...it'll do for a film about a gorgeous piece of silk that I want to adorn my body.

Today I did not purchase actual lingerie but rather old-fashioned pantyhose...they even have the seam in the back. To be more specific, they are thigh-highs called "stay-ups". I will review their stay up quality when I finally wear them to work and I don't have to run to the ladies room because the stocking is rolling down my leg. Classy..I assume this will happen. That's my life.

Getting back to the title of this blog, let's continue to talk lingerie. I am not talking about underwear here...you know the cotton crap that you get at Target or Victoria's secret that puts little dancing snow flakes all over your precious gem. I am talking about garments that drip sex, ooze sensuality, and caress skin in the most delicate of ways. I will admit I love lingerie. I am not afraid to say it. I never wear it. I am very picky about brand, type and color of lingerie that graces my pale skin, but I love it. When the rare occasion arises, I will don my favorite pieces..usually black with a mix of pink and become quite content.

The right undergarment actually contains power. It transform your already lovely body into a vehicle of femininity and quite possibly strength. I am just speaking from my own experiences but I always feel good about myself if I am wearing something sassy underneath my already sassy attire. I don't think I harness sexual power but more like my own power and strength. I feel more like a woman in control of her own destiny.

Yes, this may be just over the top and slightly crazy and possibly the situations warranted the strength
but I am not so sure. I think the lingerie helped. It made me see me. My womanliness..my existence beyond thoughts and words...my physical self.

Lingerie or something akin to lingerie needs to exist in every woman's closet. If lingerie does not help you feel like a better about you, then find something that does. Notice how I never said the word..make you feel sexy. No...it's really not about exuding sex when you are wearing it..it's about exuding you. The garments may exude sex when you look at them but they change form once you put them on. They are just mere capsules for your life and whatever you want it to be. If you want sex..they will give you sex...if you want confidence..you will get confidence..etc.

I know what you are thinking. Small pieces of fabric delicately sewn together in a sweatshop are just that pieces of fabric.

Fine...but think of this. You have favorite garments for a reason. They wouldn't be your favorite if you didn't feel good wearing them, right? So how do you feel when you wear your favorite pair of jeasn, shoes, shirt, etc? Huh? Feel good..feel confident. Same thing with lingerie..it just shows more skin and society does not accept wearing it out in public during the day and not on street corners.

So ladies...find some lingerie that suits you. Wear it on occasion. See how you feel. See if you cannot execute that feeling on a daily basis. Then see how your mood changes to something better...lighter..more pleased with yourself.

A look back...

2011-09-27T21:11:00.001-04:00

I took a stroll down memory lane yesterday. I read through..okay..fine..I skimmed through some of old blogs. Hot damn...I was/am crazy. Jeez....

I am going to chalk up the emotional rants to stress and grad school. Forgive me please, seriously.

None of that will appear here anymore. I am almost embarrassed that I wrote those blogs. Ooops...

Anyway, I would like to set a whole new tone for this blog..I am not sure what it is yet..but it's going to be far better than what it was before.

Onwards and upwards...

And..I'm back...

2011-09-26T21:38:00.001-04:00

So, I think I shall give this another go. I am not going to use this blog as vessel to whine about my life and work and how awful it is or isn't. I am not sure what this blog will be at this point since I am on a test run. I might pick topics each week to write about and go from there.

The reason I am starting up again is sort of mixed. I've been told by two different people that I should start writing again because well..I don't write anymore. I barely write in my job and when I do..it's far from creative. I recently found some creative pieces from grad school and I realized I had so much fun writing them....so...we shall see where this goes.

Will I open up again on here?? I am not sure. Will I write about my amusing adventures? Who knows. Although, I have been witness a lot of people brushing their teeth in public restrooms lately..sorta odd but anyway.. we (this blog and I) are a work in progress. We will navigate this little journey together and probably talk about puppies, make-up, boys, and fashion along the way.

The end.

2010-12-02T17:13:00.004-05:00

As you can see from the post dates, I lapsed in posting but with good reason. I've given up on writing. I sort of write for my job but I have committed to stop writing digitally in my personal life. But, I am writing right now. Well, it's a bit of a sign off.

Why am putting my writing to a halt?

Well, I write mostly about myself and I am sick of reading about others and their lives and since I like to practice what I preach, I am going to stop. This goes for blogging, needless facebook updates and twitter. I will still post stupid videos and retweet but I won't be updating the masses about my personal life.

I've realized that social media has made me so passive and uncaring. I really don't care about others and their activities...it's sad but true. I don't care if you have a headache or where you are going Friday or you exact location at that very minute. I am not your stalker. I also don't care if you need to write an 8 paragraph blog about how badly your life sucks (something I've been known to do and it's pathetic). So if I don't care, I am sure there are many others who do not care about my activities and with good reason. They aren't that exciting and if you do you care which you shouldn't, you could always ask me via a more personal means.

Participation in social media is an act in self indulgence and I don't want to do it anymore. I'd rather not indulge in myself.

I am also not sure why I wrote this since I know no one will read it. I guess it was to vocalize it. So there, I said it...

The end.....for now.

Maybe I write creatively in the future but I won't be posting it.

Rant Fest 2010

2010-06-05T23:26:00.003-04:00

I've been trying to keep my blog clean of rants or whiny crap for the past couple months because it does not really solve anything. In the end, I end up looking like a whiny, unhappy person but there have been a bunch of things lately that have been irking the HELL out of me.

The following rant discusses the my biggest annoyance.

Dudes you make no sense. I've had similar experiences with quite a few men over the past few years and what I will describe in the next few lines drives me batty.

So as I have discussed in the past, I've done some online dating..whatever..I am shy. Get over it.

Anywho...this experience seems to happen to me A LOT.

1. Guy messages me. I message back with a witty reply.

2. Instant requests by boy to add on facebook, twitter and Aim and the like.....

3. We chat more.

4. We meet.

5. Dude goes MIA.....(ie...deletes me off of facebook, blocks me on AIM, etc...this is just after the first date or meeting)

6. I get sad and try to contact but my new thing is I don't contact because I actually know this is going to happen because men are so predictable.

I have deducted that I am horrible to meet in person....or I say a few wrong things.

I think when I first started dating (which was eons later than normal people...I was pretty much terrified and finally pushed myself to actually meet people)...I was okay to meet but now I've fallen apart.

Yes, I agree I am a hot mess but I know bigger messes that can land a solid dude.

But really, guys...you are strange.

Honestly...I think I am more irked at the whole going "virtually" MIA thing. They are the ones who went all sorts of adding crazy. My response: REALLY?? YA DUMB?

Okay...I will stop ranting..I know this sounds terrible but it is just annoying.

A lot of things are annoying me as of late, I think it is because I have more time to think about them.

So I graduated..hence the time and here is what I am doing:

I am still applying for jobs like crazy.

I bought a bike. I like it very much.

Thinking more about getting a kitten.

Sleeping soundly.

May 7, 2010

2010-05-07T22:10:00.001-04:00

May 7th used to make me feel bittersweet. It was a day that I remember being so happy, so struck, so bowled over. I used to wish a day like that would happen again. I wanted that feeling again.

Today, I remembered those feelings as I was driving to school. I felt a twinge. I moved on with my day, my drive and tried not to dwell.

I did what I do everyday; work. But, a little piece of paper place in my hands stopped my everyday routine. My thesis approval form changed my life. May 7th no longer makes me want something I never had. It makes me so happy.

So May 7th..I love you..for all you've given me.

My Attempt at a VLOG

2010-04-24T21:23:00.002-04:00

So, I figured I'd try this. Yikes...

Let me know what you think!!!

Something rash

2010-04-23T21:47:00.002-04:00

I've always wanted to travel. I want to explore things. See the sights everyone talks about that I've never seen. I want to experience life unlike my own.

As I go to interviews and apply for jobs, I do not and cannot see myself working at these places. I appreciate and cherish the experiences but I know they are not for me. I love what I do now and I want to continue doing it. I know there is a job out there that will allow me to edit, revise, write content solely for the web. Right now, I am not finding it. But in the meantime, I need do something else. I need to explore and I really think I need an adventure.

I know I am going to miss teaching dearly. I will miss my students. I will miss helping them and seeing them grow as writers. I will never forget the feeling I felt when I realized that a student actually listened to what I said during a lecture and used what we did in an exercise in her paper. I was so happy! But, I wasn't happy for me, I was happy for her. Her paper was beautiful. That is something you cannot replicate. It makes me smile.

But, as I slowly resolve into a new decision about my life, I look ahead. I want to continue to write no matter what but do I want to continue to teach? I am not sure. I love it. It's so much fun. I think I need to be away from it for a bit to figure out if that is something I really want to do with my life. After everything that has happened with teaching, I still find it exhilarating and I think that says something.

Anyway, back to this adventure. I think I need to do something unexpected. I've had these thoughts with me for a while and I've talked about them before. I think I need to travel by myself to the places I've dreamed out. I need to visit France, England, Rome, etc. But, I need to do it alone. This isn't going to be some soul searching jaunt around Europe. It's going to be a much needed vacation and intellectual experience. I can expand my mind, read, see beautiful things.

Thinking about this opportunity makes me happy. I want it to happen. I think it may clear my head and allow me to realize what I really want to do with my life. Do I want to continue teaching and my education or do I want to enter the workforce once again?

Today in Rape Culture: Dancing at the Club

2010-04-11T13:26:00.000-04:00

Okay, so I am "borrowing" part of this title from a few feminist blogs but I just need to share this.

I do not go out often but every time I do I am astounded. What ever happened to asking a girl dance? No? All I see or experience is the random firm on the hip and a penis being jostled into my ass or back. Umm...I DON'T KNOW YOU NOR DO I WANT YOUR GENITALIA NEAR OR ON ME! Thank you. Who or what gave you that right?

I really do not think men understand how creepy and alarming it is when they do that. How would you like it if a random person..you cannot see came up behind you, grabbed you, and started rubbing their junk all up on you? Fun? I didn't think so.

There are boundaries that are consistently crossed and I hate it. If I say not I do not want to dance with you, it means no. Do not sit on me (this happened to my friend) or continue to dance and grind on me. Stop! Respect my decision.

Also when I see a woman pretty much dry humping and dry fucking a dude up against a wall and other people are pictures of it that are pretty much being directly uploaded to the web, it disgusts me. People you've just violated that woman in more ways that one. Yes, it was her choice to get VERY inappropriate with this man but, she didn't agree to have it documented.

I had a dude ask me to dance last evening..by his crunk friend but I declined because of I early saw him partake in the picture taking and dry fucking of another lady. Yep, sorry...ya gross. Be a gentleman and maybe I will dance with you and if I dance crazy...you deal don't rub ya hungry junk on me.

R-E-S-P-E-C-T

Get some..

That is all. :)

Times are a changing...

2010-04-04T11:04:00.003-04:00

Well, I hate to do this but I am going to complain. I need to get a few things off my chest. Well, a lot of things.

So, a few months ago I thought it would be a fun idea to have a graduation party but now I am rethinking the whole deal. I will still have it but..honestly, I really don't want to do it. Why? Well, I have few people to invite outside of grad school friends. I am close to very few people who knew me prior to grad school. Does that make me sad? Yes, a little bit.

As I transition into life after grad school, I will no longer be able to identify myself as the grad school Nicole. I will slowly return to the pre and post grad school Nicole. I'd like to have people in my life who knew me before but at this point, I really do not see that happening. We all grow and see our priorities change, others do not or grow in a different direction.

I know I have some very good friends who know me now and one who knew me then. But, the others, I am a bit sad about. Maybe, we don't want to know each other now or maybe they just want to know themselves.

I am stepping out into this world alone, like I have been this entire year. It's been very hard and not a hell of a lot of fun. I have few people to turn to, hopefully, they will be there if I need them.

I saw you...

2010-02-28T12:38:00.003-05:00

Yes, I did.

I saw you walking down the street as I sat correcting papers in the window of my favorite teashop. You were with a gaggle of your ivy friends. Yes, I saw you, in your terribly disgusting, way too hipster, purple puffy coat and Conan-like hair. My stomach fluttered but all I could do was laugh because you are most definitely a big bag of douche. I really hope you saw me sitting there not noticing you until you already walked by. Yes, I laughed at you. I shook my head. Your loss buddy. Thanks for returning those emails.

Addendum: If you are reading this, I've tried for a long time to not think you are a douche bag but I finally saw the hand that was dealt to me.

One is such a lonely number...

2010-02-27T22:46:00.002-05:00

Well, I've done it again as usual. I've put myself out there and well....the end result was what I was expected, I was let down. I guess I should have known. This continues to happens to me and I really don't know why. It just makes me sad.

As I sit here and try not to cry, I think wow..is this going to go on like this forever. I hate being alone...28 years has been a long time to be alone. It sucks.

I used to feel okay about being alone. I had friends. I went out and did things but now, I do not. I've sacrificed everything for grad school. EVERYTHING. I quit my job. Most of my friends that I used to hold dear, I no longer speak to. I don't go out. I spend almost all of my time doing school work. So, essentially, I have no one and do nothing. Has it been worth it? I am not sure yet. I have no end result. I get hounded by people to look for jobs but, yeah, cannot apply for jobs if I have nothing to show them. Anyway.....yes, so I am waiting and anticipating the next chapter in my life.

Currently, I am not enjoying what is going on around me. I need a change. I cannot wait for it to come. Maybe when that happens, I will feel better. I can only hope. Maybe I won't be alone so much anymore.

The Purity Myth

2010-02-10T13:47:00.002-05:00

So, I stumbled upon VH1's The New Virginity documentary. Wow, creepy. With all the talk of saving yourself, pledging yourself to your father, I got an idea. It gave me some fuel to finally finish my book. You may think, how does a book reality to Vh1? Well, my book has sort a sexual or nonsexual theme. In your hyper-sexualized society, there is a pressure to be a number of things for women: pure, sexual, etc. But why? Why do we feel this way? Is it societal pressures? Is it our religion? Is it just our crazy selves? I want to find out. Well, I have been trying to figure this out years. I really am going to put some effort into it now. I hope my results are fruitful.

Dear Justin Timberlake,

2010-02-03T20:17:00.001-05:00

I am sorry I have been so mean to you. I have been making fun of your glasses and lack of aging gracefully as of late. I mean you've looked a bit tore up in the last few photos I've seen of you. Also, you really do not deserve the Hasty Pudding award but bygones and moving on.

I retract previously said statements because well, I recently discovered, I am not aging well.

I loved you 10 years ago, maybe even 11 and I should still give you props...well....yeah...you've done some bad tours and movies so you deserve a little less props. Anyway, props to you.

So, JT, as we both are born in the same year, I think I will let your aging and bad looks slide.

Loved you lots in '99,

The girl who is going to buy her first bottle of anti-aging eye cream after she leaves work today....

Coming into my own...

2010-01-28T19:29:00.002-05:00

My spirits are lifted for now anyway. So far this week have been well., wonderful. I have a very positive attitude toward this crazy semester. It is my last one and I want to cherish it. I have to. I know the work load will be immense but, I can handle it. I need to focus. I know in about a month I need to look for jobs and really start preparing myself to leave school but for now. I am cherishing my work, the faculty, my students and my fellow students.

I feel prepared and ready. Hopefully, this continues through the Spring and graduation! ;)

I hear the ticking of the clock....

2010-01-17T11:46:00.002-05:00

Have you ever had just one of those weeks where you feel isolated, alone and just flat out lonely? (cue infomercial music) No, well....I have...most of the time that is my life. This week has been pretty bad.

I like doing things alone but when people are around you in groups and are just so thrilled to be together, it often takes a toll. I visited 2 museums this week and that was the case. Needless to say, I was a bit annoyed and saddened. Yay for strong independent woman. Boo for lonely sad girl in the corner....

Yes, I have friends but my local friends, I seem to lack a connection with lately. I don't want to say this but they seem to not get grad school or the predicament I am in. I try to see the positive but really, currently, I have no idea where my life is going once school ends. It is a big question mark. I have nothing really keeping me here either but if I move I feel that I will experience more sitting at home alone every night of the week. Woo..fun times.

Something that triggered this feeling occurred yesterday and I felt like I was in high school again. I instantly became the smart girl in class that tucked her head down to become invisible. I have started to go out to do my work because I was sick of wearing pjs the whole day and looking like a crazy person. So, this place I got to, near said school I go to, is free wi-fi..so yay and I've noticed a bunch of fools from my high school frequent the joint. Joyous..anyway..I spotted this busty ditz I used to loathe from high school..captivating the attention of a few dudes I had spoken to the week before and I instantly got that feeling of..the ugly duckling. I don't know why...it just came back to me. Her annoying cackling laughter and her vapidness made me angry. The dudes were douches but it just made me feel weird. I did not like it. I relived a part of my life that I hated. It was almost out a movie for a minute or 2. I wanted to get away.

I just need to pick myself up by the bootstraps and keep on going. I don't feel sorry for myself but I just want to get my life going. The semester starts in a week and reality will kick in. I will finish and who knows what else.

Oh and in good news...my nightmare of getting a C+ in thesis prep, did not come true. woo! I am going to go into this semester with that attitude that I will stomp out my classes while wearing my 4inch patent leather stilettos and a smile. I think it will help.

Thoughts on life...

2010-01-04T20:20:00.002-05:00

So, I learned today that a faculty member passed away. He was only 38, although he did have a long illness, it just struck me as very, very tragic and sad. He had small children and a brilliant mind.

Time is so precious and sometimes I feel I am wasting time with my life or that I do not live it to the fullest. I have so many more have nots than I do haves. I strive to change that and at times I feel like I am not doing a good job of it. I want to do great things and I feel I have waited to look but as they say, there is not time like the present. Work, Work, Work....I must press on and try to accomplish what I set out to do but I also must remember to stop and smell the roses sometimes. It's not that important to have a well worded website....that isn't what life is about.

In other news, I am trying to write more poetry. The deadline for submissions is coming up and I am just going to send a shit ton of crappy poems to Temper. Just saying...

Oh man...1 more semester...Nicole will be in the working world..yet again... I hope it all works out for the best.

Coming to a close...

2009-12-17T21:48:00.002-05:00

Well, after a very anti-climactic end, I finished my final fall semester of grad school. It feels very bitter sweet. Day by day, I realize I need to cherish these days. In a few short months, I will not a be a grad student anymore. I will not be cloistered under the halls of academia nor have a "stable" income. Yep, I am scared.

This semester has been the toughest. Coupled with one of the most emotionally tumultuous summers of my life, this semester has been a roller coaster. Excuse the cliche but it has been filled with major ups and major downs.

I decided to focus on myself and my school work and hopefully that pays off. I finally felt smart enough and wrote two important documents that made me feel like a graduate student. I taught two sections of Tech Comm and enjoyed it. I also think I might have taught them something. I surely hope I did anyway. This semester lacked a lot of fun but I think I may have made that up with achievements and works completed.

I know I need to make way for my future. I am not young anymore. I cannot blame my lack of accomplishments on twentysomething angst. That is an excuse. Nope, I am past that. I am a full fledged adult. I cannot flail, fail or whine. None of those are an option.

As I move on to the capstone semester, I sorta of see a light at the end of the tunnel. I want to be optimistic. Again, I need to find a job. I've worked very hard and sacraficed a lot to accomplish these goals. I never thought I'd be doing what I am doing but I am glad I am. I've had wonderful opportunities and experiences. I couldn't have had it better. Okay, so maybe I could have but, I will take the positive spin and be happy about my predicament.

I want so many things grand and simple. I know they are within my reach. My palm is open and I even may have touched a few. I can only I hope I can closed my grip in a few months. I've left so much behind, what is in front of me needs to fill the voids.

a step....

2009-11-22T22:40:00.002-05:00

in the right direction..

I need to step out on a positive note. I feel a bit more accomplished and relaxed. I am taking things slow and trying to be more open and communicative. I am also being selfish. I need to work on things that will help my future and only that at the moment. It is crunch time and I hope I am up for it. I have to say, I had a good week. For the first time this semester, the office felt like it did last year. It made me miss the old office but it made me like grad school again. I feel I can give it my all for the last semester. I saw old friends..and talked. I need to talk more. I know this.

I need to do some more talking but I am not sure I am ready for that just yet. I need to have almost everything off my plate. There is some lingering anger and annoyance and that is not going to help anyone. I know something needs to happen but I don't know when or if its too late. It takes two to tango.

I also think my personal needs to be put on hold..once again...I've done it for this long..its okay. I need to know what I need and who I need, if that makes sense.

I need to keep this positive attitude up. I will make it through this and next semester. I will graduate and I will move on from this state in my life. I will....

Nothing much to talk about...

2009-11-14T08:57:00.002-05:00

I find that more and more, I do not have that much to talk about. I reside doing schoolwork daily. I push my personal problems to the side and continue on because I just do not have time to deal with them. I have come to terms that yes, I am going to be alone for the foreseeable future unless an extreme act of god happens. I am not even remotely okay with it but I have work to do, I try to make time for myself but I feel guilty. I know I should...everyone else surely makes time to party down each week. Do I feel I am missing out? Yes and no. I surely do not want to be shaking it up around these here parts..nope...no thanks, last time I checked that wasn't my scene and I wasn't tried and true local. But, social interaction with people aside from the people I see daily (most aren't my friends) would be nice. Every so often I do see old friends and I cherish that. I will keep trudging through life. I see an end...dear god...I better.

I am scared I will be stuck here. I need to leave. That is my greatest fear. I cannot stand being around here for more years. There really isn't anything keeping me here aside from my family but, I need to get away from them too.

Then I have these thoughts of continuing with school that will cause me to delay my life even more but it may mean doing what I love..gah!

Alas, an unhappy place. I would like to make it a happy place but my tolerance for ignoring things has gone down and I am not doing so well.

Yikes....

2009-11-04T19:18:00.002-05:00

Well, it is done (the paper that is). Thank goodness. I feel..well...done. I know it is just the beginning but one step is over and it is crazy. This semester is almost over. Soon, the academic year will be over and I will be done with school.

I am excited and am a bit optimistic. I can apply for jobs at schools all over the country and that scares me. I want to move because I need a fresh start. I need to leave a lot of things behind. So many things to think about and so little time.

Also..it happened again..I saw the image I've wanted/did not want to see. I smiled this time. He's still there and so am I. Oh well....my life needs to take a turn. I am at the steering wheel.

Accomplished...a little bit anyway...

2009-11-01T20:44:00.003-05:00

Well, I am finished inputting content into my paper. I just need to finish the works cited page(s) and revise sections of it and edit. I am giving my head a bit of a break because gosh darnitt, this is hard work.

I never took my intelligence for granted. Nothing in school ever really came easy to me. I just worked hard at everything and this is no different. I am working my pa-toot off. I wish academia worked like that, I'd be soo fit and trim.

But, this paper has made me feel a bit smarter. It became easier to me as I plowed through the research and light bulbs went off. It made me think, "hmmm..phd please?" haha I know, I know. Crazy! But, I know I will miss the hours of studying and writing and tears when I think I am dumb.

I know the work I put into this and it is surely a lot. I don't spend my weekends tripping the light fantastic. I spend them Google Scholaring and writing. It the end it doesn't matter but it surely matters to me. I know I will deserve my degree even if I don't get an A on this paper or in the class. We aren't supposed to care about grades as teachers but I would lie and say I didn't. I do dammit! I want an A. If I don't get one, well, whatever. I know I deserve it. hehe

I know I need to find a balance between school and life but for now I will work. Wednesday I will figure out a balance and try to collect the things I've been ignoring in my life and see how they still fit into it. If they don't, they don't. Maybe it's my fault, my it's not.

We all change and grow and sometimes we don't do it together. That's life I guess. For now, my paper is in bed. I will be soon and I feel smart. That makes me smile.

A big bunch of meh...

2009-10-30T09:23:00.003-04:00

well...what to say....

Not entirely sure....my consistent working has take a bit of toll on me but there isn't much I can do about it since, the work needs to get done.

Anyway, tough times aside...well they aren't really aside, they are just there.

Yesterday was supposed to be a happy day (a very happy day) but alas someone ruined it for me with a callous reaction and a more callous discussion followed.

There is so much going on in my life right now that I do not have time to care about or for anything (I have time for a blog...oh wells). I keep telling myself that I matter and I need to care about myself and do what is best for me. For now, I will just focus on me and if that is selfish so be it. I am the only one who is going to get myself through grad school and life soo...I better start depending on myself more.

I'm given out and given up...

oh well, such as life. moving on..moving on....

It happened again..

2009-10-12T11:59:00.003-04:00

I think I am the dumbest person I know. I am a glutton for punishment.

I was perusing a certain social site and a certain person's image popped up and I freaked out. I know in some sense I was hoping to see this image but in another sense I was hoping not too.

I want to stop feeling upset about it all. I really do. I feel so trapped, like I cannot move on or go forward because I have this stupid hopefulness about the whole thing. I know, I am naive and also brokenhearted. I have no past which leads to my bleak future.

Ugh..all of this makes me want to curl up into a ball and just cry.

I just have this urge to leave it all and run. I have nothing holding me here...I have no connections and if I did they are all but gone now.

bullocks.

Feeling Better.

2009-10-09T21:24:00.002-04:00

Well, I started writing. Okay fine, it is a mix of copy paste of my own work and more elaboration. Sue me here. But I have 4 pages and a working works cited page with over 10 sources. I have just about a month..so things are looking up. The only problem is I don't know if my discussion will be "rich" enough. Whatever. I am going to try my hardest and not make it full of plebeian talk. I am no scholar but I try to be. Let us hope I do not sound like the students Bartholomae talks about in his essay, Inventing the University. (point 1 for sounding like I know what I am talking about)

It's almost 10 on a Friday night..and I am still working on this. go me?

New Perspective...

2009-10-06T20:40:00.002-04:00

Well, what I got what I needed. A kick in the pants or as they some perspective. I know see things clearer..not clearly but clearer. I think I need step back and not freak. It is hindering me. I feel better. I know I am capable. I will try my darn hardest. It's not all about the grades. Its about how you get there and I take journeys.

Feeling Inadequate? yes ma'arm

2009-10-05T18:41:00.003-04:00

I get this way each semester. I feel dumb, like I do not belong in grad school and I overall suck at life. Truth is, I probably don't belong in grad school. I work really hard at my studies and I still do not feel good enough. I try and try and dammit....I learn and correct my mistakes but I just feel like I am drowning lately.

I am sick of feeling like this. I want to feel adequate in all parts of my life and right now I am feeling inadequate everywhere. I know I do not know everything and I am far to unconfident to proclaim I do. I think I need to realize that I am not perfect and I am human and I do make mistakes and no one is perfect. Some people do things better than others, etc. and that's okay. Maybe I am just mediocre at best....who knows.

What also doesn't help is, I have lost my academic support system. I realized this today during a conversation with the department chair as I talked glowingly about alumni and what they are doing. I also discussed my issues involving not wanting to return to school, etc. She said, "Well, it's hard when you lost your friends." I though, crap, she's right. I mostly sit in the office do my work and really keep to myself. I don't giggle and talk about the stuff we used to talk about. There is no odes to people who wear vests, etc. There is the occasional 'vag flick' joke but mostly I just want to go home and go to bed. I don't, of course.

I really feel like I am about to crack and I do not want to. That would be very bad, very bad indeed.

I just keep whining...ugh. I am not even liking myself right now. I am freaking out over minute things and it is just ugh. That is the best explanation I can give it and that is even poor.

Alas, my attempts at smarts have gone by the wayside. I think I need to calm down and attempt happiness but not complacency.

Judd Apatow: The Passive-Aggressive Misogynist

2009-10-03T19:18:00.003-04:00

The hollywood darling, Judd Apatow really has a problem with the ladies. He doesn't like 'em. Oh, he may say he does but just watch his movies and you will see, that he surely does not. It takes a keen eye to notice it but with this helpful guide, your eyes will open to his deplorable world of lady hatin'.

His sophmoric humor fuels his subpar plot and box office lines. We've heard the jokes a million times before but find it funnier when said in a crowded theater by a well paid chubby loner actor. HA HA HA He said pussy. HA HA HA He called her a bitch.

Chuckle fest aside. The dialogue Apatow's characters speak is foul and his plot lines leave women in the dust. His female characters turn bitchy, slutty or look unraveled and need to be saved by the loser hero. The same troupe of morons curse their way through the movie for cheap laughs and appear to win the girl and the respect of the cool kids. While the the ladies are stuck with the kids, the mess, and looking like a fool.

Take Knocked Up for instance, written by Apatow, never says the word abortion. They say take care of it. Really? You have the balls to show a fake vagina with a crowning baby but you can't talk about a woman's right to choose. Cool...

I can't even discuss Semi Pro because I couldn't sit through it. The scenes and the language made me want to puke. The rest of the films in his arsenal (Old School, SuperBad,Talledega Nights, etc.) portray women as sexual conquests and call them as such. Apatow doesn't bat an eyelash to the writing the words bitch, tapping that ass, etc.

Directors and writers can write whatever they want but what kills me about Apatow is how he and his clan are heralded in the mainstream media for creatively and comedy. He's not creative nor is he funny. What is worse is his wife and kids appear in most of his films.

Hey, Leslie Mann (Apatow's blushing bride), are you that dumb that you don't see the degrading language your husband is writing and the lack of depth characters you are playing? I am going to say yes, she is that dumb. She doesn't act in any other movies. The last film she starred in that I remember, that wasn't an Apatow film was George of the Jungle. Good movie. So she doesn't see that her characters perpetuate a stereotype and have no depth. They are a man's vision of everything they hate about women.

Her character in Knocked Up: A married, naggy mom of 2 who goes batshit crazy over anything. Aka. The vision of what many men feel their wives will become. You feel comfortable playing that Ms. Mann? Because, I sure wouldn't. You really want millions of men to laugh at you and say, that bitch was crazy? And, you want your kids to be in the movie too? Awesome...way to portray strong women in the media.

If I wanted to waste more space and thoughts on you Apatow, I would but right now, you need to leave my brain. I feel bad for your two girls. They won't grow up as strong ladies. They will fall into the stereotypes and be the women you put down and label in your movies. I hope you are okay with that.

For some reason, I think you had a lot of trouble with the ladies when you were young and that's fine. It happens to most people, but grow up and get secure with yourself. It is really evident that strong, smart women intimidate you and you'd much rather put them down than accept them as your equal. wow..you must have a teeny tiny.............car.

If I could do it all over again...

2009-09-30T20:37:00.000-04:00

I've been doing a lot of thinking (if that's anything different than usual) lately and a few thoughts ran across my mind. One that that keeps recurring in my tiny little brain is, If I could do it all over again....

This pertains to school choices, major choices, etc. If I could it all over again I would have actually looked into schools and been very serious about choices, locations majors. I would have majored in English and concentrated on Literature. I would have lived away, etc. I think by now I would have been on my way to a Ph.D. (fantasy) I know wasn't ready to embark on a very independent life at 18. I know that I wouldn't be remotely functional now if I did embark on that life.

Woulda, Shoulda, Coulda....

I didn't do any of those things. I constructed my own convoluted destiny. Am I happy about it? Yes and no. I think about all the people that I met through my own path and I am grateful. They have changed and shaped me as a person.

I do look back and wonder what if? But, I cannot be the person to always say..well I was gonna do that but I didn't. Why even bring it up? To me that is worse than failure because you never even tried. I need to be the person who do's and finishes.

I need to continue on my path no matter much I want to take every exit along the way. I don't know where It will lead me. I hope some place wonderful and lovely.

I did fulfill a few dreams and it is always important to have those. But now, I am not sure what they are anymore. I have goals. I fear I will no enjoy them once I accomplish them.

Are my goals the same as my dreams? I am not sure. I am not sure of anything lately.

This crossroads scares me. I want to complete things so badly but what is next? How will the chapter start? It better not be it was a dark and stormy night...I don't like scary stories.

As I look back, I am looking forward and dammit I am scared as shit. I have so many unanswered questions....all of them I can only answer. I like knowing the answers and that is how I work.

I do know that I would not do it over again...I need to make my future as bright as it can be. I won't accept anything less.

It's about that time again...

2009-09-29T19:59:00.002-04:00

Yes, it's the time in my show where I hate my writing and lack confidence in it all. I begin to hate writing all together. I begin to have everything.

For example, I worked on my personal essay for hours and hours and began to hate it as I finished it. I wanted to make it funny and quirky and different, so I made it very me. I also added in footnotes. Yes, yes... I know..David Foster Wallace but I love parenthetical details and another voice brought into the mix so I used footnotes. Well, as I passed it in, I get..what is up with the footnotes. I said, they are part of the story and my essay. Then I say, have you ever seen a personal essay with footnotes and my response was, yes. That wasn't good enough but alas.

God dammit! I am already not happy with the piece don't make me more self conscious about it!!

Ugh..really...

This has been the week of experiences.

I think I feel very small this week and that is saying something because I am already small enough.

I feel like a hack to put it bluntly.

Ok, I need to stop being whiny and move on.

Feeling like a failure needs to end.

Stupid Decisions

2009-09-26T10:11:00.002-04:00

So, I rejoined the Okcupid this past week. So far...not impressed. I don't expect anything out of it really. I think I was bored and said..why not? I really do not have time. I mean...I could but most of these dudes are not lighting my fire in anyway. I am just not..."feelin it."

Anyway...so what else? Oh yes, my new computer. I am very excited about it. My old one that I love so much is on its last leg. I do not think it will make it through this year of T4 and Thesis and whatever else comes my way.

Hmm..also...I had a very interesting experience last night that I am all unto sure about. oh well.

I am writing and I actually like what I am producing. We see how long that lasts. waa waa.

Stunted...

2009-09-20T21:32:00.002-04:00

I am having another Peter Elbow moment. My writing is at a standstill. This memoir is crap. Every time I think I have a good angle..I do no think it's worth writing about. I also know that the prof is going to hate it, which is another reason why I cannot write. I am just waiting for her grimace. I used to write with ease and let it fly but i can't. I just think its all bullocks.

I came to the conclusion that I am dumb and thesis..is not for me. I try to draw conclusions from articles and all I have so far is: umm..duh? good times.

I have built all of this up so much that I was having a panic attack earlier. I walked away from writing because I couldn't handle it. What is wrong with me? Oh right...neurotic. that's it.

I am also convinced my hair is thinning. It could be from stress...but I am freaking out. :(

I shampooed with some stuff and now my hair smells like medicine...that can't be good.

crap...

wow..let the whining stop now. jeepers.

A bit of a snag..

2009-09-16T22:53:00.002-04:00

I thought I would be able to write about the integral parts of my life for my faux memoir but I can't. It's been a year and a half and I stalled after I wrote..and along came the professor. I think I do not want to relive such happiness and such failure but I have to. I need to write about this. I think it may help me heal.

I do not want to shed anymore more tears over this either. I always think I am okay with it and that I have come to terms with it but I know I haven't.

Darnit. I cannot let this define me yet it has.

It doesn't help that this is the central topic to my pieces because some of my experiences are very funny but some (to me anyway) are just hurtful and heartbreaking. I know it is life but I just see all the positive experiences people have and I have yet to have one.

I have had experiences so that helps but sometimes it makes it even worse.

I will get through it but it won't be easy.

My life....

2009-09-12T12:33:00.001-04:00

This is me......a ball of contradictions.. (thanks jenni for the video). You want but you don't want but you want.

Discovering faith...

2009-09-05T19:54:00.002-04:00

I have lost my faith which I have stated before but I never lost my fascination for it. Today I actually watched EWTN, which is the Global Catholic Network. I couldn't take my eyes off of it. What I enjoyed about the whole experience was the priest did not spew much vigorous "we all almighty and eternal" bullshit rhetoric. It was rather refreshing. They were discussing faith in a rather intelligent and logical way. Saying you either have it or you don't.

I find people who are so devoted (and logical about their faith...not fantical) so interesting. They just believe while I do not and desire much more evidence to believe a little more.

I love to learn the history of the Catholic faith and yes not all of it is pretty but most religious history is not. I find so much beauty in Catholic inspired art and literature, much like I found the beauty in the discussion they were having today. Both priests were so informed and were presenting facts. They weren't hankering for the side of the argument there were just plainly stating what had happened in the past and what people say. It was so refreshing.

I enjoyed myself. These men were just so informed and devoted. I am neither of the two. I think I want to be more informed becuase of this fascination but I am not sure. I would like to study the philosophy and psychology of religion. It is just peaking my interest.

For some reason....

2009-08-24T18:47:00.003-04:00

I am at peace.

I know I am loved. I finally discovered this, this summer. With all the ups and downs and scary situations...I still have my core people around me, loving me no matter what.

I got to see all my old, favorite and wonderful friends this summer and I realized...they are my world and always will be. As I grow and changed and become the lady I want to be, they will always be there. They have been with me through my rides with work and grad school.

I am so lucky that they are in my life and at times I do not think I deserve them.

So, as I sit here and get weepy, my heart is very full. I see where I am going and I am excited. You all helped me accomplish this and I am eternally grateful. <3

I think I am living...

2009-08-21T21:26:00.002-04:00

For the first time in my life, I think I am actually living. I know this may sound odd but I feel different. After all the strife and struggle over the past few years, I feel a little bit at peace.

I know the year coming will be difficult but I think I am up for the challenge.

This summer I have accomplished a lot. I went to a lot of wonderful museums, spent a lot of time with my friends and myself. I did stuff!! This is a grand departure than what I normally do. I acted on my impulses and went for it.

I didn't worry about dudes....well sorta but whatever. I just did what I wanted to do and enjoyed it. I tried to move on and move forward. I can only hope I achieved this.

School starts in a little over a week and I think I am ready to endure my final year. I can see May 23, 2010 and I am excited. I just need to get through the next 9 months...

I hope I do fun things and I also hope fun and happy things happen...I want to do more living.

Blogs on a Plane

2009-08-13T19:47:00.002-04:00

First off, I must start by saying that "nice boy" aka as the fucker deleted me off of facebook. I was going to delete him but hey he beat me to the punch...whatever. Maybe he read this and didn't like the fact that I called him a fucker. Oh well, we didn't mesh. such is life. He really isn't a fucker..I was just using my words poorly and with a bit too much emotion. whoops.

Soooo, back to what I came here to write about. A few weeks ago, I wrote a few words on my flight to DC. Where do these lovely words reside? No idea.

***After some searching, I found them.*****

I am rethinking the direction this blog.

I started the blog as a peak into my life as my discourse with myself and the world: the tawdry, the timid, the terrific. It has slowly become my personal diary. I now see that it need direction, much like me. I'd rather not take on social issues but maybe my issues, socially: my struggles with the past, present and future, rather than a commentary on everyday life. I can construct letters to my world, of sorts.

The incomparable, John Donne, wrote in a letter to Henry Wotton (a very close pal), "Sir, more thatn kisses, letters mingle soules."

I cannot but shiver in delight when I read that. I take words seriously. They rest and unrest my mind. Mingling mildly around the, never suffices the neurons. Letters are what I live by. I study. I analyze. I construct. I try to choose wisely. I engulf myself into the realm of letters.

*********************************end of crazy plane writings

I think this is why I write. I love words. I love to use them..etc.

Now as I typed this, I realized that I never solved my blog problem. I still haven't focused my blog. I could keep it self absorbed and just talk about myself. What to do?

Weekend sightings

2009-08-09T22:47:00.002-04:00

It's cool when you a guy you dated and went MIA on you, on a date with another girl at your favorite restaurant. (it was the boy referred to as nice boy in previous blogs..the fucker) Funny thing, I was walking up behind him as they were eating outside and i noticed his foot attire and I said to myself...I could never date a guy who wore mandals seriously..and turns out it was him. wtf! oh well...just oh well.

On the same night, I saw Jeffree Star shopping. It was a bit much..if you don't know who he is..google him and just take it all in.

Well...I have to say...I am somewhat content as of late. I enjoy my job, I enjoy my adventures (usually most are done alone) and I will be going back to school soon. I have a plan for the future. I know things rarely work out how you plan them because well that is life but I will try very hard for them to go smoothly.

I am excited to have a future. I want to live alone (dear god let me not have a roommate..I work to darn hard to save money for a place)..have a lovely decorated apartment..cook fun meals and entertain people, go out in a city (boston or whatever) and just experience fun things! I just want to have a life...a simple one is fine. I want to like my job..hopefully in writing... and just be me. I just want to achieve my goals and move forward.

I am trying not to be sad about things and looking at the bright side..I will get there I hope.

Feeling Free

2009-08-04T22:01:00.002-04:00

My ventures into online dating have been well, tumultuous. I have all but quit but still speak with a few people.

But, today after much contemplation, I cut someone out of my life. I feel a bit bad but I caught them in a lie and realized, Nicole, you are better than this. I think this action was really a culmination of all of my experiences. It was a wake up call to my poor actions and judgment and very bad state of mind. It triggered something in me that said...end this now, it will help heal old wounds. So I did.

Most of my experiences have not been at all good. I never thought well of myself. I never thought I deserved it or them. I was just to lowly. But, now I do realize I deserve better. I am a nice, smart, funny gal. (I hate to sound like I am praising myself but whatever..)

All in all, I hope this brings me some peace.

It's funny, the ones I never meet, I seem to have to just cut out of my life. Oh well..I hope it all works out for the best!

Leaving it all behind...

2009-07-30T14:00:00.002-04:00

As time passes, I feel and hope I am getting better. I still am a nervous Nelly and small things stress me out.

I have left dating behind because well, I did not have much luck and I think I was more hurt than happy in most of the situations.

I think I know I have to leave a lot of things behind. I need to excommunicate myself from a few people. It is not like they are not good people, they may be but I just do not think they should be in my life. No hard feelings but....I just need to stop talking t you...you make no sense. (that is what I should say to them) I do not see them so it helps. Live your life, I will live mine. see ya lata.

I also find it funny that I want some people out of my life and wish some where back in.

I guess that is life. You never get can everything you want.

Manifest Destiny..

2009-07-21T18:11:00.002-04:00

I just realized that my very long journey of grad school will end soon. I have several months but really, I do not. I haven't research jack diddly. I have one article that I printed and several others that I need to make copies of. That is it. I was gun hoe at the beginning of the summer but events turned my life upside down.

Now it is time to figure out what I want to do with my life, and again I am not so sure. First, I wanted to get my Ph.D. in either Cultural Studies or Rhetoric and Compositions or Communication Studies. I thought..oh yes I want to teach and be a scholar. Now, I am not so sure. Currently, I think I want to be a web writer/editor/developer. I enjoy the work I do at school and I like working for a University. I just do not know if I will be able to get a job on the University level..hiring committees, etc. Eeks!

Getting a job at a college or University may allow me to further pursue fun academics. I could take history and philosophy classes and mix some math and science in there as well. It would be lovely. I hope.

I hope I just achieve some sort of happiness when it comes to my academics and career. It's funny because my mother ran into my old best friend (my opinion of this girl will remain out of cyber space for only mere seconds) and she asked what I was doing. My mother told her everything I was doing and her response, 'I am so glad she is using/doing something with her education." BITCH SAID WHAT???? (My initial reaction was...what a twat?)

It's funny, people really do not know what retail employees, especially managers do, but hey I will let her reside in her own ignorant bliss. I was using my education but just not in the facet I would have liked. She will continue to reside in her bliss of living in the town she went to high school in and marrying someone she went to high school with. Nice personal growth.

Anyway, I will leave that alone...it just annoys me. Back to my own issues here. I always knew there was more for me. I just did not know my path. I was lost during college and after. I did not know I was capable. I felt stupid. At times, I feel stupid now and I shouldn't be in grad school. I work tirelessly to make sure I am up to snuff. I do more than most because isn't that what you are supposed to do in grad school. This isn't undergrad where you can just party all the time. I didn't do that in undergrad and I surely am not doing it in grad school.

Professionally, I am trying to make myself look snazzy and I do not know if it is going to work. Personally, I have all but given up. I am trying to make myself feel better. I am doing yoga and trying to eat better. I am no longer searching for someone. He will not fall at my feet or bump into me in the library or museum while starting at Byzantine art or a lovely Degas. That just doesn't happen. I've been to many museums and usually it's just me looking and pondering and scooting to the next painting.

Although, I do miss meeting new people and discovering new things about them. I also miss a few of them whom I did/do consider friends. oh well..such is life.

I do not know what the next year will bring me but I do and I don't want it to get here. I turn 28 in less than a week and I do not feel good about it. I am trying not to focus on getting old and what I haven't done in and with my life.

I also fear that I will not be able to live my life. I fear my mother will get sick and I will have to care for her. Yes, she has my father but..isn't it usually the daughter's duty? I want to live my life..that I haven't lived. Is that selfish?

oh dear..

Harry Potter and the Half Emoted MovieI d

2009-07-19T19:19:00.003-04:00

I decided to keep my mouth shut about the new Harry Potter so I could mull it over. I mulled and I mulled and I mulled. I still feel the same way. I did not enjoy that much.

It lacked the Harry Potter-ness that I have come to expect from the movies and the books. It did not have the emotion, the strain, the suspense. This book was the pivotal book in the series. There was torment, stress, love, betrayal, etc.

All I really saw was teenage love and a small bit of tension. hello people..DUMBLEDORE DIES!!!!! Snape unforgivable curses him!!!

We didn't see Snape flashbacks, we didn't see angry/mad harry. We saw a harry who really wanted to get some like ron. We saw him inquisitive but not the determined angered soul in the books.

We also did not see the tormented Snape. The angry soul who loves Dumbledore and will do anything to aid him. Nah, didn't see that. We saw a lot of Draco..which was odd. He was the only sober and scared character. I liked that but..not a draco fan so...over it.

Meh... I could go on for days about this. I am disappointed. I enjoyed the teen love but it was too too much. It wasn't the Harry Potter of my books or my dreams. Sad.

They brushed off Dumbledore's death!!! Main character death1! there was more emotion when cedric diggory died!! I mean yes...robert pattenson is better looking that dumbledore but come on!!

Okay, I will stop chatting about this. I am angry all over gain. I will see this movie again just because. It makes me want to read the books over and make my own movie in my head. hmph...

Also, I am going to DC in 2 weeks. i am so excited. I need a brain break from this place.

Anything else?

2009-07-13T22:12:00.003-04:00

So...I just lost my hard drive. There is a small bit of hope that I might be able to to get all my files but....if I cannot, I got nothing. I need to buy a new computer. This is insane. I am so flustered.

Facebook..Gateway to High School Reunions..

2009-07-10T21:00:00.002-04:00

So today, one of my good friends from High School added me on facebook. I was very excited. I never look for high school people. I didn't like high school and really I didn't have many friends. This dude asked me to the prom but was already going with my friend. It was odd, anyway, I am actually happy to reconnect with him. He was such a good guy and I am happy to see him and to see what he is doing. It just struck me as really odd and exciting. People remember me...(I never think they do.)

I feel very far removed from high school and the person I was. I am not that girl. In fact, I do not know who I am. I know who I was but who I am now is very different. I am slowly finding out, I guess. I guess that is how life works.

In other news, I am the museum queen!! I am so excited to visit lots of museums. I have two lined up for this weekend and am looking forward to them. I am doing things! That makes me happy!

I cannot wait wait wait to go to DC. I will see Jenni, Ezinne and hopefully tons of beautiful and historical items!!! Yay!

I have been doing a lot of thinking and I have to say that I am very grateful for the ladies I have met in the PWP. I feel I found some kindred souls who love words, literature and a lot of the same things I do. It is just a great relief. In fact, I am really grateful to all my freinds and the ones I've met recently. It is always good to have lovely people in your life no matter where they are.

I think I may curl up in my bed and read my John Donne book. This book is very slow goings. I feel dumb but since it is a doctoral dissertation that has been editted its tough.

Well, this spazzy blog is coming to a close. It's not giving you all much or insightful. It is just ramblings.

The Breakdown...

2009-07-07T21:34:00.003-04:00

Well, Wednesday...I had what some would say a small breakdown. I cried for an hour in my mom's lap. Prior to that occurring, I was convinced I was having a stroke. My face felt strange my arm and leg did as well. I was freaking out. I need to mention, that I was also not on good term with my parents and a whole slew of other things were/are occurring in my life. I am very stressed, unhappy, unsure of a lot of things and scared. All of this culminated, in this incident. I have not really felt right since this. This has happened before and it took a while for me to get back on track but I need to put this behind me.

I escaped for a few days to the Cape. I saw my godparents and Katy. It was nice. I ate a Jane Austen sandwhich (brie cheese, roasted turkey, mango chutney on a bagget), had lovely tea and ate a clam boil. I also rode my bike and realized I really do enjoy bike riding but my bum does not. I saw my best friend and Sunday we ventured to Newport for art and fun times, all of which we had.

All in all, I still do not feel myself. I am grateful for the lovely people around me. Without them...I'd be a ball on the floor.

I will be doing something I have not done in years in August. I will be getting a plane. I am already nervous. I may need to get some meds for that. EEks! But, I am excited for it.

Also, my brother found the blog I wrote for CLTL. I am confused....he asked me if I wrote it and I said..umm...yes..it has my name and picture on it. Like what??? Then he thought I was published. I felt like saying..um dude..its a blog..but I left it alone. wow....

Haunting My Dreams..

2009-07-01T16:32:00.002-04:00

In the last post, I stated that I would no longer see his face on my screen but I did not say I would not see his face in my dreams.

Last night, I had the most vivid, lucid dream, I have had in a long time. I was living in Providence with my best friend and I was leaving for work. Apparently, we had new neighbors across the hall. Turns out it was him and his new "girlfriend." He had just returned from some sort of research/conference. His look was different..long bleached hair, odd piercings , baggy clothes, a murse but, it was still him. The girl looked vagabound...hipster-ish. I walked into him and he knew I was upset. He said...let's take a walk. I was on my way to work so I couldn't just not walk..I was walking anyway. The girlfriend for some reason said, "I am not his girlfriend, girlfriend." I was confused by all of this.

I tried to get away from him and I couldn't. We walked and talked and fell in again. Turns out he was wearing the shirt he wore when I met him. I felt something. Of course, he touched and that was it. I fell very hard. He explained she wasn't really his girlfriend..just someone he was sort of seeing. I was okay with that. We smiled and I was content with him and he seemed willing to move forward with me. Then..I woke up.

I woke up feeling empty.

I don't feel better...I feel a bit worse.

Why am I having these dreams? :(

Godzilla life steps..

2009-06-29T18:03:00.002-04:00

Today, I did something a bit drastic but it was surely needed.

After almost 2 years of internet dating, I deleted my okcupid user account. I could not do it anymore. I have had very good and very bad experiences. I have had my heart broken once and my feelings hurt countless times. I am not sorry I did it. I am sorry it did not work out.

My current mental state is pretty bad and this whole dating thing is making it worse. I am walking away from it because I think it is the right thing to do. With everything happening in my life, I cannot keep up with it all. My emotions are a nut house.

It still kills me that I am 27 and never have had a relationship. I cannot dwell on it now because it will make me more upset and think wow, nicole..you suck at life. You can't do one simple thing...

I just cannot sit at home anymore and do nothing and dwell. I'd rather be out doing things by myself.

So for now, I will not worry about being alone and try to move on.

I will no longer see pictures of past dates posted on my screen and I can be okay with that. I won't burst into tears every time I see his face, etc.

I hope I feel better.....

Mixing Emotions..

2009-06-26T19:02:00.002-04:00

Stirring up WW3

As fourth of July approaches, my family has a yearly get together of sorts. Relatives and friends visit my parents house at the cape and have a grand ole time. I do not. I sit and talk to no one and go for walks. I do not have fun.

I informed my mother that I was not going. It did not go over well. I think she was offended. I do not really get along or have any thing in common with the people that come. I do even like some of them. Why should i go? i do not see the point in going.

I do not know what I am going to be doing over this long weekend. I'd much rather be home alone than bored with a bunch of people.

I am also obsessed with this guy. i want to have his cute funny smart babies! HE WENT TO BROWN! duh!

False Alarm

2009-06-25T21:58:00.001-04:00

Black bag found. It was in my trunk! WHO DOES THIS? wtf!

oh well...it was still funny to think of this happening. Man...I am glad I checked my trunk. I need to throw it out!

I think that this has taught me a lesson: stop being so absent minded. Also, there are multiple sides to every person. I show all of mine at times, which sometimes can be not so smart. I think I am just a bit too naive at time to realize this. hmph.

My own comical FML moment.

2009-06-23T22:39:00.003-04:00

So I finally had a FML moment.

Today, as I was searching desperately for a white bra to wear under a sheer shirt. I suddenly realized that all of my "used/broken" adult toys (i think 5 in all) that needed to be thrown out were missing. I remembered I had left a black nondescript bag out in my house with all the used ones. I needed to move them to a different secret location. I started to search all secret locations. Nada...

Now...I can only come to one conclusion. I do not remember doing anything with this bag. I do remember it being in my house last week. My dad comes into my house to collect the trash.(I live in a separate location but on the same grounds...i live above the garage) My father is trash obsessed. Even if I put my own trash out he'd go through it etc.

So...my conclusion: My father saw nondescript black bag and took it. I have no idea when this occurred. Last week..this week..who knows..I have one more secret location to look in but I do not think it will reveal anything.

I am hoping that my dad did not look in said bag.

FML

Number 13...

2009-06-21T16:02:00.002-04:00

I am think I am done.

I knew this one wasn't going to be amazing. I felt it in my bones. I was right. It wasn't horrible and it wasn't bad. It just wasn't anything. I chatted and chatted. I think I chatted to much about certain things and opened up about stuff that I shouldn't but do not ask questions about my family. That will happen. oh well.. ain't no thing. I do not plan on seeing him again. I didn't even put his number in my phone. That is rare, usually, I go crazy and put it in right away.

Oh well......
I have become the crazy clean lady. I cleaned and cleaned today. It felt good.

My head is clouded with to many thoughts to actually be productive about things. This week will hopefully be better.

i do want to give up..but I haven't succeeded.

What am I doing? Number 13..

2009-06-20T09:18:00.002-04:00

Ok, so today I will meet number 13. I am not excited. I have taken a more passive approach to it all. Last week, ehh..nice kid not for me.

So about 10 minutes ago, I log into my account and 3 "matches" appear across my screen. Of course..I knew this was going to happen one day. Yes..the professor picture appears and I just stare and scream a bit and click on something and cover the screen until another screen pops up. Now..he will be in my thoughts today.

He's still on there...so I am. He broke my heart unintentionally. I have realize that he doesn't want me yet I still want him. It still hurts and I do not want it too. My "first" actual taste at "real" dating hurt so badly. I've never really gotten a good taste in my mouth. All the ones I really like end up disappearing.

So today, I meet lucky or unlucky 13 with a heavy heart and a filled mind. I want to give up on it.

number 12

2009-06-14T10:28:00.003-04:00

This is starting to get comical and well depressing all at the same time.

Before I get into number 12. I am rereading this lovely book I started a few years back. Grammar Snobs are Great Big Meanies. It is surely wonderful. I am not a grammar snob. I know very many. But, as I read this lovely book, I found the grammar mistakes she was talking about. For some reason, I got some self satisfaction from all of this. The author knows her stuff but continually assures the reader that people just use their grammar skills to ridicule and hurt and they will get their own some day.

Now I have my own grammar pet peeves: Past tense refective or intransitive verbs ending in T. learnt instead of learned (learnt is the british version and reflexive past tense and rarely ever used in formal modern mediums of writing: business, techincal, creative...etc aside from text books and haughty grammar gods.) Spelt instead of spelled..again british and the like. I think I just don't like the T sound. I like the soft d. Dreamt instead of dreamed. Now, that is an iffy one. I rarely use it and most likely avoid it.

Moreover is another. It's synonym is however and half the time if you use however in its spot..it doesn't work. Moreover needs to be used selectively. I've read it too much and I just don't like it. Like how I hate contractions in formal writing. To me, they are an eye sore.

I love this book and sometimes I do not agree with her. Either way, I just feel more grammatically educated and I can share that with others. yay!!

Okay back to number 12. I am not going to say it was a let down. It wasn't. It just wasn't anything. He's not my type. Nice guy but..I need a bit more intellectual meat. He's very smart but not my type of smart. I like weird smart. I like..holy shit..how did you know that you are amazing smart.

I also like a bit more grown up. I may not be the most maturest lady. I love princess stuff and puppies but I know when to turn it on and off. I don't dress like a 15 year old daily. It's cute but at a point sometimes it needs to stop.

He also had mannerisms like my old boss which wierded me out. It was like the guy that looked like my mom's godson (his pictures lied). I was so freaked out.

Also, I wasn't overly excited and did not talked a bunch. That is now I know I like someone or am comfortable. I don't shut it. OH well...not for me.

unlucky 13? hahaha

I can't think about how really sad this is and how i know people who meet someone randomly and are instantly inseparable. I guess I just need a complete weirdo, like me and then vamoose. meh.. we shall see.

It still happens..

2009-06-11T21:11:00.002-04:00

Why is it that every time I think of him I still get that knot in my stomach and still want to cry??

It makes me sad.

hobbies..

2009-06-07T19:22:00.002-04:00

in my current state of mind..I need a some new hobbies that involve more than my head. i painted by number today and am going to try this carving thing tonight. I could scrapbook but I don't have any of the materials. I did but that is another story.

so odd thing..I emailed dude...that one I was semi-obsessing over..and he emailed me back. I am shocked.

i will be working a ton this summer..thank god. i need something to keep my head straight.

i also need to get reading. i have been so lax.

maybe i will do crosswords puzzles. I really should exercise but i realized today me and the heat don't go well together. I felt horrible after being in the sun for a an hour today. meh.

i need some figurative sunshine in my life. i don't even want to write.

Too much anticipation leads...

2009-05-31T09:34:00.004-04:00

to a major letdown.

I am still in a bit of shock by my experience yesterday.

I decided earlier in the week that I would take a little trip to the Harvard Art Museum for a variety of reasons:

1. I have never visited Harvard or Harvard Square.
2. I love art
3. I love museums
4. I needed something to do
5. I would like to know the city a bit more..since I need to be a big girl.

So for all these reasons, I took the trek. It was easy. One straight T ride, filled with very strange characters. For example, a 5 or 6 year old Asian child on a leash ( this child was clearly mentally handicapped in some fashion). I was so sad. His dad kept saying he was very smart but hyper. Umm..no sir...your child shouldn't burst through a group of people to run away whilst on a leash and you unable to hold him because of his strength. This poor child also didn't speak. It just made me so sad. It scared me because I wasn't paying attention and all of a sudden people just started moving and I heard a whimper/scream. I was like GAH! :( Very sad for that poor little one.

Also, a man was commenting on a young guys chucks. It was such an odd conversation: Oh, I like your chucks. I have a collection of all the colors. ::young man:: Oh really?

Alas, I arrived at Harvard Square. I followed the well crafted directions the website gave me and walked through Harvard Yard. At some point, I decided I may never find this place, these flowery directions are down right convoluted (that should have clued me in). I walked and walked and finally came out the other side. Mind you, all through Harvard Yard there are buildings with no clear signs. So I really had no idea what I was looking at. I assumed..dorms and then a few large buildings..theater, church and something else.

Anywho, I came out an exit and looked left and alas..THERE IT WAS! The anticipation swelled within my warm and meandering frame! I was going to visit a HARVARD MUSEUM! oh my!!!

Upon my entrance, I noticed the grand hall was not filled with art. It was filled with banners advertising ReViews, special events for the Museum. Okay that's fine. I paid my student fee and was asked to coat check my bag because it was too large... umm..okay...it was not that big.

The nice Waspy old lady gave me a floor plan and I was off. The pamphlet, elegantly designed, only listed three floors: 1,2 and 4. I thought well maybe three is on the other side.

I did not want to start on floor one so I skipped up the steps to the second floor. It was Asian Art. Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz Umm...it also was A SINGLE GRAND ROOM!! 1 ROOM!!! COUNT THAT: 1!!! I thought, there has to be more. Nope!

Now, I have been to the MFA and the RISD Museum (I always thought RISD was small..nope) their Asian art collections are substantial. Understandable,right? Art school and strictly world renown art museum. But here is my gripe, both of the aforementioned museums do not spout masterful rhetoric about themselves on their websites. Yes, the sites talk about the collection in a bit of a haughty upscale fashion but it is well warranted. They have the goods (literally) to back up the talk.

Now, I thought well, floor 4 (or the missing floor 3) will have something better of offer. Yes, I have to say it did but..whoever set up the gallery was drunk. They were mixing art styles. I understand you are showing Art until the 1900s but displaying a Wamponoag Hunting Staff mixed with the portraits of St. Peter and the Virgin Mary and Child kind ruins the feng shui of it all. The juxtapositioning is lost on us. I just stood, perplexed and said..wtf is that thing doing here with the portraits.

I then came to the various Picasso's. Props to Harvard for snagging all of them. They were very lovely. I also didn't know you could take photos. Some older French Lesbians were taking pictures of all the Picasso's. Too bad my camera was in the coat check!

Now this is where I saw the major disjoint in the collection (if I didn't notice it already). I found nothing more than small sculptures and paintings. Now, yes these items make up a great deal of art but art is way more than that. Its furniture, its clothing, its tools, etc. I did not see much of that..only in the Asian art exhibit.

Defeated, I took the elevator downstairs to Art from 1900. Another major fail. The large Pollack and the small yet exquisite Georgia O'Keefe delighted my starving soul but it wasn't enough. The one grand room needed much improvement. I know they are renovating another part of the museum or the original museum itself but..make an apology for it. But they said.everything was shown together..

I don't know...Harvard...you let me down. You are Harvard for god's sake. People like me do not belong there.

My visit did not last long and I spent the rest of my time strolling through Harvard Square, entering bookshops, getting a cup of tea and just looking at the architecture and smiling. Harvard looks much like Brown (duh) but larger. Sad to say but I find Brown more beautiful, I think it has to do with Brown being very close to heart.

My day was joyful and I'd go again in a heartbeat. I will take another trip to go to visit the Natural History Museum soon.

Oh and I did see a very cute Harvard COOP employee...he was adorable and was flustered when he rang up my book. hehe I could barely hear him and he kept stumbling on his words. hehe

Another thing that pierced my brain with annoyance was the name of said bookstore..COOP. They pronounce it just like it sounds.. COOP.. (rhymes with poop). Ugh...tawdry and rolls off the tongue with flatly. I thought it was CO-OP (due to its appearance on the sign), which sounds better and doesn't rhyme with poop.

Oh well, they are Harvard they can do whatever they want, like aggrandize a shoddy art collection to the level or ART MUSEUM!!

WOW..I just attempted to rip Harvard a new one. My apologies Harvard. You just duped me with your words and dammit I am better than that.

So.

2009-05-29T08:10:00.002-04:00

I decided not to do anything. He can contact me. I've been the one to initiate everything. It's time for a little give and take. If he never contacts me, then I know. I suspect he won't. alas, maybe in a few weeks, I'll send him a nice friendly note. But, for now, I will be silent.

he's missing out..i'm fun, nice, sweet and spunk..oh and I like puppies..yeah....

So i guess i fucked up

2009-05-27T23:17:00.003-04:00

hmph..as usual. I screw it up. Sad.

I thought this one would be different. oh well. I haven't heard from him since well..i sent my note on saturday. good times.

I am mad at myself..another one down the tubes. I guess i can't be myself. oh well...

To make myself feel better, I am going to go to a museum on Saturday. Yes, alone..I will just think and look and ponder. I am going to the Harvard Museums. I have never been to harvard and I keep thinking..well no one is going to take you..go yourself.

oh well.....

Doin' My Thang..

2009-05-26T21:38:00.003-04:00

I have decided to do my thing. Today, I was sad all day. I am sick of being sad. I think I need to let it be for my own mental health. If he wants to contact me..he can. I need to just calm the fuck down. I do this every time and I don't know why.

So, I am going to go to Harvard Museums. dammit

Hair...

2009-05-25T21:04:00.002-04:00

To take my mind off my own worst enemy (myself), I have been doing my hair. I have been curling my hair every time I go out and I feel better. I almost feel like my old self.

I have been rummaging through old photos of myself and I got a wee bit sad. Two years ago, I was trim, seemingly happy and had fun each and every week. I cannot dwell in the past and I cannot analyze things I have done only out of shear kindness and a good heart.

ah well...someone will want what I have to offer. I can only hope. I am talking like I may never see this human again..I may never but I also may. I hope I do..dangit..I would do a few things differently.

Another interesting tidbit...so...I saw the first person I ever talked to on okcupid today. I was driving in Providence and he was walking down the street with a lady. I was like..holy crap..thats that kid...he was a bit of a loser and a druggie. love it...so i saw him..giggled and cest la vie. :)

grumps

2009-05-25T13:58:00.003-04:00

So..I sound very grumpy. I am not. I am just upset with myself. Oh well..I can only hope it works out for the positive and I will learn from this. Dammit..why is he so smart and nice and cute and why do I always fall for it?? ugh! maybe i've charmed him.. hehehe ...i hope.

Oh..I will blog later about Jon and Kate plus 8. I've been watching this mess since the beginning...I have a lot to say...

Hmmm...

2009-05-25T00:43:00.001-04:00

So, he responded. I do not know if that is good or bad. He responded to everything I had to say, even my very precocious attempt to hang out with him again. He said we should see whats up for next week (meaning tomorrow through next Sunday.. hehe) I guess that is good. I do not know. He could be putting me off. I just keep second guessing myself. I am also impatient and overzealous.

I am taking advice from several people and I have said that I feel as if i cannot be myself. I feel as if I cannot send a nice, excited note because it makes me to "available" and that doesn't attract men. Umm..hi,that's how I am. I can't really change it. I send notes. I say how I feel. I hate it. I don't play games. I think it's stupid. I can't play games, we are adults..why should we?

Then..I have been told to read, He's Just Not That Into You..I suspect this dude isn't that into me and all the dudes I have ever dated weren't. If I cracked opened that book, I know my whole crappy dating career would be a lie. So I don't read it. I am sorry. I know I couldn't take it.

I think my over analysis of everything..is really hurting me. I can't help it.:(

I see these insta-couples (people who meet and instantly turn into a couple) and it confuses me. I have NEVER had that...EVER!

This whole relationship crap bears heavily on my mind because I seem to conquer most of the things I want out of life...ie...school, job..etc. with a lot of hard work and I have put so much thought, effort, time, emotion into this dating thing and I have failed...FAILED!! I have stepped outside of all my comfort zones. I have tried hard..maybe a little to hard because I want it so much....or just a nice chance at it. I would like to enjoy things so many other people have had the chance to enjoy and I haven't even had a taste of getting to know someone you really like.

It makes me want to give up...it really does. Maybe it is the one thing in life I won't be able to have.

poops...

In other news, I watched the Jane Austen Book Club today...I am in love! It just struck me as a really interesting and cute movie. I loved how they talked about the books in an intelligent manor and dissected the characters. It made me happy. It had dogs, a cute dude and a books in it. What isn't to love??

Oh Jane...

what I do not like..

2009-05-22T08:52:00.000-04:00

I do not like that I cannot be my friendly, happy self when it comes to men. I can't send a nice note when I want to. I should "wait" let them feel intrigued. Why can't I just be myself? I don't want to play these games.

ugh ugh ugh

So in a sense, I fuck everything up because I am myself. yay...

so...

2009-05-21T21:19:00.000-04:00

It was lovely. he's lovely. I don't know if he feels the same way. He talked a lot more. It was really nice.

I just enjoy talking to him. He's funny, sweet, likes puppies, smart. I don't know, I feel comfortable with him.

I hope he feels the same. I really want him to.

We hugged (again) (twice)..I liked it. hehe It feels different this time. I don't feel rushed to do things but it's not like I don't want to do them. I just want to get to know him and know more about him.

I hope he wants the same. He remembered some spot on things about me that were very detailed. I was very surprised and I loved it.
I think he is shy. I don't know but...I have fun with him. He makes me smile.

I hope..

2009-05-18T22:23:00.000-04:00

that this doesn't blow up in my face. I am being very cautious. I do not want it to blow up in my face.

I would be perfectly content to get to know the nice boy.

I just feel that the boy from long ago missed his chance. He went MIA and then now is back. I don't get it.

But something that has been on my mind lately, is that I am different type of girl. I see other ladies: younger, older, and my age and they seem to take relationships a bit differently than I do or want to. LIke...don't you want to get to know the person and then other things can come? I mean..why rush things?

I think the reason for this is I've never had the chance to get to know someone and have something develop. I'd just like to have a shot.

the nice boy..

2009-05-18T13:09:00.001-04:00

is nice. hehehe

:)

so far i have kept the swooning down to a bare minimum. this is good!

I am not clown..juggling's hard.

2009-05-17T12:04:00.000-04:00

In a matter of 2 days, my life has turned into a circus.

Last night=insane.

I realized after dinner that this friendly meeting to catch up was a ploy. Yep, I am naive. I know this but when someone says, "let's go meet my friends." I catch on. I am glad I went...I did have a good portion of the night...thinking in my head..ugh these people are idiots and felt like a big pretentious, elitist asshole. Oh well..I am sorry..I really don't care what music sounds great when you are high..wow..Phish..cool..

I sipped my water and was asked like 12 times why I was drinking water..I didn't want to say..umm...I don't drink w/ people I don't know or like..soooo cool..also...when you run into Professor's who work down the hall from you and you see everyday.its a little awkward. (If I have sipped on alcohol while around you..then I feel comfortable with you..that is just how I am.)

So..yeah the dinner was a ploy..I didn't fall for it and I think and hope he finally got it. Dude, you are my friend and that's it. We have good talks about stuff and La DE DA..

Other stuff happened too but I did hear back from the nice boy..yay!!!!! (while at dinner)

this is starting to get a little crazy. This could all blow up in my face and I could be very sad.

I need to start carrying a black book or something but in a way I don't like it. I don't want to hurt anyone..because I then end up hurting myself.

Oh well...two are most likely friend material...and the other we shall see..

My mind is blown...

I feel better about life and it has nothing to do with the plethora of dudes. It has to do with the end of the semester and I made it. I changed purses yesterday and as soon as I did that..it signified for me...I made it. Yes, it is silly but this purse I bought over a year ago and it is my favorite...the cost was not out of my price range at the time and it was my gift to myself for finishing up the spring semester last year.

I am still the old nicole but I am just a little smarter and have more direction. I have evolved. I am on my way...

If only it were a year ago...

2009-05-15T21:56:00.000-04:00

My life never ceases to amuse me. Sometimes I feel as if I am in a novel and its just getting good other times I think its so drab I cannot stand it.

But, this week..I am in a novel.

So as was previously posted...I met a nice boy. He emailed me back and hopefully there is a second outing.

Now here is the strange part....ahem....

Today, I was contacted by a boy I started to talking to over a year ago. We used to talk on and off. He got a gf, they broke up, he moved, he got another lady..etc. We always talked about hanging out and what not and we never did. I kind of lost hope and almost forgot about him. We would talk occasionally and that was that. But, today was different. He contacted me and was all about hanging out. It was odd but I went with it. So, we made plans for Friday. He wants to come pick me up and everything. I think he wants to show me his cats too. He has 2 cute kitties that I still have on my phone they are adorable! He doesn't know how to get to my house but whatever. If he doesn't contact me, not big deal.

If only this was a year ago, I'd be a flutter. I would be thrilled, but I am not. I am just a bit intrigued.

And to top it off, I am going for dinner with a the last dude who was not nice to me. We finally talked and it was nice, so we are just having to dinner to catch up which I made very clear. I guess it will be nice to talk to him again. It will be interesting.

I am just stunned by this whole turn of events. I have no hopes for anything of these situations (well okay first one..the nice boy). All I have to say is...we shall see...

Number 10...

2009-05-13T21:43:00.000-04:00

After much advice and consultation, I went on "meeting" tonight. I am calling it a meeting because I am unsure what to call it. Anyway, I talked a lot and I think I talked to much. I am a chatterbox.

He was sweet, nice, cute, and I think a little shy. I am miss explosive chatty lady and I don't know if that is a good or a bad thing.
I feel bad that I talked so much. He is very interesting as well...

I hope I get to hang out with him again but you never know.

You just never know...

I want to say more but I am a bit lost for words at the moment.

I always analyze my actions. Did I talk to much? Did I wear too much make up? Was I myself too much?

(I embraced the paste tonight and wore my new makeup that makes me my actual skin tone. I was very pleased with the results.)

I also don't know what to do...I don't know if I should email him tomorrow or wait for him to email me. I think I am just going to wait.

I think I will just carry on...i have plenty of work to do anyway. :) Keep my mine off of it.

It Knocks you Down..

2009-05-10T11:01:00.000-04:00

Wowzers.

As of late, I have been rather down about my current personal life situation. I have had past experiences flash before my eyes, been way to analytical and so on.

I resorted to interwebs dating almost 2 years ago because..hey I am shy, I don't go out much and I figured I'd give it a shot.

OH....I've met some interesting dudes to say the least--baby adolf, tattoo dude, harvard, and I can go on. I was even swept off my feet. All ended in me feeling horrible about myself and a lot of tears.

Today took the fucking cake....and this was someone I didn't even meet. I got an email from this dude who've I've been emailing on and off for a few weeks and he told me he found someone in a rather rude way. But, let me give you some back story..he proclaimed to me that he was very skeptical of online dating and was down right harsh about it. So..when he informs me today that he met someone off of the interwebs (the site we use) and SPARKS FLEW..AND 36 HOURS LATER...he is off the market and we will never meet. Oh and his head is still spinning. (I paraphrase here but...you get the picture)...MY REPSONSE WAS..huh??

way to go hypocrite. Anyway, I am glad I never met this jackass. I got the gist he was an ass from his jerky emails but I figured I'd give him a chance...nah!

I have noticed that a lot of initial online meetings that turn into relationships (NOT MINE) start with sex on the first couple dates. COOL! Ladies, really?? I mean yes the dude seems pleased but really..you don't even know the dude... I just look at you all and say..don't you have more to offer than that? maybe not..who knows.. That just sounds like a wierd way to start a relationship.

Of course you are going to say..how you do you know this about these relationships? Well, I've heard from the horses mouths..aka..stupidhead dudes. Either way, this really baffles me. I guess I am naive but I do know that some dudes somewhere value getting to know a lady like me. (I used dudes as in plural heheheh oops)

But on a positive note, I do not feel bad about myself. I am more amused and baffled.

Oh..and next post will be about the how awkward mother's day was. shoot me. Let's just say..my brother is the worst host and I really do not want to be returning to his abode any time soon.

Sometimes..my life blows my mind..

2009-05-03T19:56:00.000-04:00

I cannot ignore really strange things. I've been really good at not pining this week, well actually...more than a week. I haven't pined in a long time....I've even accepted a few things. I must admit that yes, something still inside me still wishes.

Then today....I've been consulting with friends about my life and more than one person suggested that I quit my internet endeavors due bad results. I was agreeing with them and put some thought to it. I opened an email and almost went to pieces.

Long story short, I received a notification email and an image of the person whom I fell for, appeared. It was odd and I am not explaining it properly but I still felt something.

I tried to ignore it but I couldn't. I ended up emailing the person because I had too. I know nothing will come of it but I couldn't just leave it. I couldn't. I've been trying to heal but things keep popping up. It hurts me....but what is going on? seriously..I know its a coincidence..but...

Spreading thing...

2009-05-02T12:22:00.001-04:00

My seemingly good ideas go wrong often...

I am physically and mentally exhausted. I now know that I should not try to take on the world or just more than I can chew.

As the semester winds down, I am not sure what I feel. The only adjective I can think of is..awkward. I have a full year left of school and I can only hope to make the best of it. I am trying to be positive and think yes, Nicole, you will get the "job" of your dreams..soon. Your life won't be a failure..you will make something of yourself and be happy.

I feel a bit better that I am no longer letting my life slip away. I am not stuck in my job that I was to smart for. Yes, I said it. I was above my job. My abilities do not lie in folding shirts and what not but, I have to say I do miss it at times. I loved the people, the oddities and the fashion. I miss the fashion...

I can only imagine what this summer will bring. I do not want to waste it but I do want to relax and relish in the fact that I am still a student. I want to explore and do new things.

I want to get out and spread my wings. (yes, corny I know but I think it is something I need to do)

I want, I want, I want...

Right now,I want to be lazy and not do anything. I know I should be reading but I cannot bring myself to do it.

In the whole, I want theme of this blog, I also did something I didn't want to do. Well, actually, I did want to do it.

I finally put my foot down and decided that I was not "that girl." I never have been and never will be. I need to make decisions that will make me happy and further my "growth." I am not the girl you call when you are back in town from a trip for a week. Nope. I am not the girl who you just want to have a good time with. Nope, not me.

I am the girl who is devoted, giggly and emotionally deeper and smarter than her bouncy and sassy exterior portrays. I feel far to much than I should even with people I do not even like very much.

I have been stuck in pining and I know it but sadly I cannot help it. I deserve better than what I have been dealt with relationships..well i can't say that because I've never had a relationship...sooo..hmm...encounters??

Scattersmagoo

2009-04-29T20:09:00.000-04:00

I swear I have ADD. Anything..catches my attention. In the midst of talking to someone..if something loud happens..my attention diverts. it is horrible. I feel badly every time I do it but I just can't help it.

In other news, I am feeling optimistic. I do not know why but I think it may have something to do with a link I got the other day. For some reason, it made me jubilant. I am going to go with that feeling.

I received a really confusing and upsetting email the other day. I didn't really address the situation well. I think I just need to walk away from it. I feel horribly but its something that is not going to work and it hurts to much to think about.

I am attempting to figure out my life and where it is going. Possibilities await...I hope...

I want to do well in life..I just hope I do.

Hoping on a wing and a prayer...

2009-04-24T18:01:00.000-04:00

I know that its been almost a year in one case and I know its been a few months in another case. a little hello wouldn't hurt...

oh well...

I am very tired. I have been working myself to the bone. I am not sure why I did this to myself. I guess I wanted to prove something to myself I don't know.

I want summer to bring me something..I am not sure what y et..but I am ready for something exciting in my life....I think for the first time I can say that...I am ready.

I feel I have grown so much over the past few months. I am a lady. I can do a lot and survive.

I just need something...I don't know what..

Exhausted..

2009-04-22T20:27:00.000-04:00

I am exhausted. I really should have thought more about taking on 2 jobs.

In other news, there isn't any other news.

I have been working..alot.

I did have a wondrous weekend. I spent time with people I enjoy and had new experiences. It was really fun.

It made me feel alive again. I know that is silly but, its good to get out and not study for a while. It rejuvenates you.

I tried to write poetry in class today and I was only mildly successful. I need to get on writing more poetry. It just makes me happy.

Things I am excited for.

2009-04-18T23:03:00.001-04:00

1. The end of the semester..to work out and research..tech comm!
2. Teaching Tech Comm in the Fall!!
3. My master's portfolio--I am going to build one kick ass website over the summer..drupal templates anyone or serious CSS books from the library.
4. The summer..freedom
5. The fact that when I graduate I will attempt to find a cool job...because for some reason..today I decided I could.
6. The fact that I can write as a job..sweet melarky!
7. going to brown just for a class..that just makes me happy. It will satisfy a dream of mine. I will just feel that I am smart enough.
8. learning more. I think I may take that tech comm class in the fall. poops..or not. who knows.
9. that i will be okay. Next semester i will be antisocial but I will do what I must.

ooh and prospects.... meow!

What I need to learn..

2009-04-18T13:01:00.001-04:00

is to move on. Some days..I am okay, others I lament, overanalyze and wonder. I wonder too much. I just need to let things be and realize..no, it will not happen. Walk away. It doesn't matter how much you wish it. You cannot control other's actions.

Also, my mom called me fat today. Thanks mom. I don't already feel crappy about myself enough. woo hoo thanks.

I plan on working on the fitness this summer well as soon as this school is over. I also need to figure out what the heck I am going to take. Do i want to do a grants internship? Do i want to take a bus/tech comm class? or take a undergrad writing class for grad credit? Do I find another internship? I've already worked and done an internship in the type of writing I "have" to do my portfolio on? again..lost. I have to look at the internships that have flown my way. But also, my job is in the summer. oye.

ooh...and...i wanted to tutor at the writing center. crap. forgot about that... hmmmmmmmm.....

crap.

and..I am back..

2009-04-16T16:25:00.000-04:00

so I made this blog private because I got a comment from someone I didn't know. Odd....but i guess that means other people are reading it. ha duh!

That is kind of what you want..so I decided to change it.

I write some pretty strange stuff up hear....so yeah. oh wells.

I guess I may have to censor some stuff..
so, I guess I have to figure out what I want to be when I grow up and I do not know.

i have one word..despair.

i have a lot of options...i like being in school. I like English. I like debating colon usage. What do i do? can someone order me to do something? k thanks...

what do i really want to do with my life...umm...have puppies and snuggles...and read and write silly things and work out and write more and learn.

oh and i wouldn't mind being a research assistant for a brilliant hottie...just saying.. won't lie about that.

most likely..living in the woods with puppies..seems to be my only option right now. hehehehehe i kid. i just don't like big decisions.

when talking ceases...

2009-04-11T12:24:00.000-04:00

I miss good conversations.

Well, thats an overstatement. I miss good conversations with the opposite sex. That is more clear.

I love talking about stuff with someone who has insight about what you are feeling and is in a similar situation.

Yes, I talk to my lady friends and that helps a bunch but I like sharing. I recently discovered how much I liked talking to someone of the opposite sex about stuff..school, life, music, etc (I know that sounds strange but my shyness prevented me from speaking to cute smart boys..for most of my life)

The reason I say this is because I was having a conversation and someone/thing popped into my head and I was like dammit I wish I had that person to talk too. Alas, I do not and it makes me really sad. I miss the person and the conversation because I really felt that we had valid and interesting conversations and for the first time I felt wow..I am being spoken to sans alternative motives. I could be wrong. Who knows...I felt smart and fun,etc. I had felt that only once before.

oh wells..

In other news...I don't know what to do with my life. I am feeling skeptical, unsure and scared of what to do. I feel out of options and confused with grad school. I love it but next semester..I do not know what to do. Its internships or independent study and thesis prep.

oye! i am stressed. poops...

Work..

2009-04-09T19:58:00.000-04:00

Every time I stay late in the office or stay up late doing homework..I think..this is for the greater good.

I am trying to keep this mantra going...but it is hard.

I feel a bit worked out. I am trying to rejuvenate my work ethic but I am tired.

I was looking at Ph.D. programs and I became more tired. I have to think of all this in a short amount of time. It is scaring me to death. My gut says...just do it and my head says...you won't get in. Oh boy

then I think of my life...and I don't know if can take another 5 or 7 years of constant studying and being alone. I can do the work but I will most likely be in a place by myself...alone...

I do not know what to think...

2009-04-06T19:22:00.000-04:00

In the last week....I've had shots and boosts to my ill barely present ego.

So lets start off with the basic stuff...I had some crazy financial stuff happen this week. It was weird but its all fixed now. i closed accounts and paid off things that were supposedly paid. Wierd! I thought big brother was coming to get it. It unnerved me.

Anyway, that is taken care of but I feel as if my bills won't get paid again even though..I paid them. Its so odd!

I am on edge, as usual. I feel very meh. So let's get back to my ego stabs and boosts.

I will start with the boosts:

I was told twice this week I looked young. Both by cute portuguese ladies. I feel when I look in the miror, I see this old wannabe cute girl. I see a face that has seen better days. The scars, the divots, the redness, the growing number of blemishes, the sad eyes, the hair: the wirey strands that protrude all over the place. I don't feel good about myself. I haven't for a while. I old and ugly.

I was glad to be called young but one of the ladies said she thought I looked like a little girl. That bothered me. I guess I am stuck in that little girl/woman limbo. I am a lady even thought I do not always look like one. ho hum..

Now, we shall move on to the stabs:

Well, some jerk-off in my program... (I honestly do not care what I say at this point...) decided that it would behoove him to ask me if I'd be interested in his 38 year old recently divorced friend, who just wants to have "a good time." EXCUSE ME??? DO i APPEAR TO BE SOME SORT OF WHORE? Now, he may have read my blog regarding extracurriculars and reviews of said merchandise but..EXCUSE ME?? how dare?? just how dare!??!!!
So let me get this straight, You have a older friend who wants to have a good time and party and you think of ME??

Thanks dude but..go fuck yourself.

Needless to say, I felt itty bitty after he asked me that. i was stunned. I couldn't really speak. i am already feeling down about myself and now with that I feel like I'm a whore, which is the furthest from the truth. thanks..

Then Friday...which was the subject of the previous post. oh man.. ugh!

I hope this week brings better experiences.

I hope there is hope

2009-04-05T00:43:00.000-04:00

I hope there is hope for me.

I hope I can do what I want. I hope to be content and happy with my life. I hate feeling despair.

I also hate being redundant.

I am tired of doing school work, I am sick of pushing myself. I want to be lazy and lackadaisical like so many others. They seem to be happy.

I am scared that I will feel this way forever.

Most of all, I am sick of not knowing. I am sick of feeling awkward and different. It makes me feel less.

I try and try and I am just sick of trying...

and that concludes todays emo blog.

brought to you by alkaline trio and hot topic

New skin tone

2009-04-03T23:12:00.000-04:00

I feel naked, stripped to the core.

I saw the real me today for the first time in over 10 years. I went to the MAC counter at Nordstrom's today with my friend and I was inquiring about the makeup she was buying and the guy was like..oh do you want to try some..get a little makeover. Now, I've had a crappy week. I am exhausted, stressed, etc. So I say yes....well now...he does he thing...brush, paints, etc .

When he is done, I have 3 shades lighter than my usual makeup..trauma! He used the right color but I am soo used to be darker. :(. I need to embrace the paste. Oh dear..i feel naked.

see for yourselves....
Before

AFTER...

looks the same..but seriously..its a big difference. its wierd.

What a day..

2009-04-01T20:41:00.000-04:00

My days have been much better. I think I may have a handle on this school stuff. i think I am doing it and doing it well. hehehe

I had a teaching breakthrough today. My students totally surprised me. They did what I asked!! yippee! i was sooo soo soo pleased! Oh my god...I was glad for them but a bit more glad for myself. I feel accomplished. I think I taught them something. IT CAN HAPPEN!!
hehe

I think I fucked up my situated ethos. I will just say that. I had very odd experience today and I think it may have had to do with my writing. Oh well....such is life.

I know who i am and what I want..if I misrepresent myself then whoops.

In other news...

I think that I am using my opportunities to my fullest. I feel as if I can do something really good with my life. Yes, that sounds quite trite but I think so. It feels good. I just like that I have possibilities. In bleak times, I just see a light.

I know a lot of people don't be, I feel that it is their own doing.

My goal is to be happy with myself, my life and my accomplishments. I know I did not take took a little detour on my path but I think it has helped me become more appreciative of what I have now. I do not take my opportunities for granted. I am just happy I am where I am. I can be something. yay!

I work hard..I do. I want to get results and I think I have..this girl needs a rest.

The I don't wanna's are turning into the..

2009-03-28T19:11:00.000-04:00

I am nots.

I really am dreading doing homework this weekend. That is rather unlike me. i think the class I am taking could be good but..guess what? its an uber fail. We need to do to more exciting things in class rather than having one woman disagree with everyone and be annoying and talk about her writing.

The texts are boring, yet helpful. I just don't want to read and write a stupid story that I care far to much about. And, there is a little birdy telling me..nicole you need to read this..you will need to know this if you want to go on with your education...etc. etc.

Ugh!!! I had a financial debacle today. It is all resolved but i am very mad at my schools inability to mail things properly!

I also realized that I am in a good position for furthering my education money wise. I did something right working at H&M for so long. I will not be destitute.

Spring is in the air and I know I shouldn't be thinking about certain things but I cannot help it. The smell of the breeze, the sunshine..remind me of happier times. :( I was walking on air last year. Now, I think of that time and tears come to my eyes.

Such is life. I know everything works out for the best and things happen for a reason..yes all that feel good bullshit but, you learn things. I hope I did learn something and something better comes along..but it just still leaves me to wonder. I hate wondering.

update..

2009-03-26T23:06:00.000-04:00

I discovered his name.. well...it took 2 TA's and 2 GA's to find and figure it out. The power of brains...I thank those ladies they are beyond lovely. Now I can practice saying.Mrs...Nicole.....

I am kidding...its just enough to swoon as he strolls by. He brings a light fresh air of butterfly tummies and endorphins to the brain for smiles. I can go back to analyzing prose and being annoyed by syntax.

Now, I think I will be calling pot black here but I need to spout off about blogs for a second. I find well written blogs wonderful. I love learning about things and most of all, about people. I love the different styles of writing that different blogs have and the random topics. They are wonderful writing tools. With that said. any moron can have a blog. This kills me. People could say the same about me.

I philander faulty rhetoric and write sophomoric posts. Yes, I do. I will not deny that. But, I do put some time and thought into this. I find blogging cathartic. I am writer. I write...so why wouldn't i write a blog?

So, with the aforementioned information and opinions, I now say this. ::ahem::: WRITING A BLOG DOES NOT MAKE YOU A WRITER NOR.....BIG NOR HERE.....WILL IT ALLOW YOU TO COMPOSE A BOOK, NOVEL, NOVELLA..ETC. It will give your practice writing, it will but..umm..no. Just because you can talk about ya kids, or your life at ad infinitum does not make it quality writing.

Maybe it isn't blogs that annoy me, its nonwriters who think they can write and that it is easy. It is not. I work endless to improve my writing. It hurts my heart at how jealous I am of people who just spew out bountiful waltzing sentences filled with the most modified objects and adjectivals and succinct prepositional phrase. There are no weak words or phrases. They just bounce off the page and you marvel at there shear existence. I want to do that and I try. I rarely succeed. I tend to come up with amusing puns and metaphors but nothing earth shattering or profound.

So for you all of you people who think, 'I want to write a book" and occasionally post a 100 word post via ya myspace or livejournal or blog spot. Try composing something more lengthy and make it make sense and engage your reader.

Chances are you will give up...because its hard...aww poor thing.. .

::steps off soapbox::

I take what I do too seriously sometimes.

Rhetorically Yours,

Nicole

fawning from afar...

2009-03-25T20:55:00.000-04:00

I am an expert lover from afar. I started in high school and continue to love and pine till this day. I can fawn with the best of them. I know why I am so good at this..its because I have only loved from afar..well lusted but hey..let me call it what I want.

As of late, I have a new victim. Well, I am the victim and he is the culprit.

my my my...

this man is divine..to look at.

The things I know about him:
He is smart--a professor..oooh la la!
He likes to wear tight pants.
He likes vests.
He likes chucks.
He is very fashionable.
He has a lush head of gorgeous brunette locks.
He is svelte.
He smiles alot.
He speaks Italian fluently. (i heard him having a conversation and almost fainted)

what i do not know about him?
just about everything..i don't even know his name.

But I do know he gives me butterflies and makes me smile every time he strolls by.

He is my sunshine in my sometimes dreary day.

ho hum..what a dream.

Things I've realized that I deserve...

2009-03-23T19:17:00.000-04:00

I realized recently that I have become a bit of an enabler and a needy gal. I hate that. I think my longing for a real relationship caused me to become content with bad behavior and disrespect. It has clouded my vision of common sense. Also, the fact that I am very forgiving is another aspect of this.

I deserve kindness, positive attention and an all around nice dude. I deserve someone who will call, email, etc and not leave me in the lurch wondering, does he like me?? Oh my god!

I do not deserve drunk dials at 2am from someone I barely know or to be made fun of and laughed at when I reveal intimate details of my life to a person I think is nice and I did want to get to know.

I feel as if I sound a bit caustic about this whole thing but I am sick of having the same experiences.

I thought I met a few nice guys once but one didn't work out and broke my heart a bit (a bit..means a great deal..but yeah..not going there doesn't help the emotions) and the other just still leaves me wondering. I miss one as a friend a lot (that would be second dude). He was just nice to be around.

Like a total romantic, I still have a wee bit of hope for both of these situations...why? I HAVE NO IDEA!! I think they are the only ones I felt a connection and commonality with. Will I find it again? I have no idea. The funny thing is, I could be completely full of crap when I say that they felt something, most likely they didn't. I don't even know. Honestly, I don't know nothin, about nothin.

Things I do not want..

2009-03-21T16:19:00.000-04:00

I have been spewing out thoughts of the things I want in life but I haven't really said anything about what I do not want.

here we go:

1. I do want to be a PTL. (part time lecturer)..good god..no! Many forebears of my Master's Degree find it conducive to do this as a profession. They make crap dollars and are just ornery. You receive little to no respect at my University and it's horrid.

2. I do not want to be one of "those" women. You know the kind..the ones who get married and have kids and everything stops and live off their husbands $$. They no longer work and muddle in baby poop and talk of linens all day. UMM HI NO! i didn't work this long and hard to give up on myself and I wouldn't my daughter (if I spawn) to do that.

3. I do no want to become complacent in my life. I always want to move forward and improve.

4. I do not want live here forever. I'd like to experience different parts of the world and settle somewhere that I find wonderful and unique.

5. I do not want to worry so much.

6. I do not want to get fat. Yes...sometimes we cannot help this but I want to remain healthy. I should say it that way. Healthy..fit trim..work it out!

7. I do not want to be lonely forever. :(

8. If I do spawn, I do not want to be the Jon and Kate plus 8 mom. seriously! I fear that!!

9. I do not want to fall into a job I hate. I want to move on with my education. I think I have the chops..well at times I think I have the chops and I do enjoy teaching. Well, aside from my students who drive me batty. Teaching is just so amusing. I mean you get to view the strangest parts of life. You have students who don't care, care top much, etc. You just either have to laugh or you will go bananas.

10. I do not want to settle with my life.

I guess in actuality I have a lot of work to do in order for my do no want list to not happen.

Closing a big door....

2009-03-19T22:10:00.000-04:00

not tightly but..shutting it nicely.

I ended an era in my life tonight. I thought I would be more emotional but the fact that i am not makes me realize that it was time. H&M was my crutch for the past 7 years. I knew I wasn't ready to be a "big girl" when I graduated college and H&M enabled me to grow.

I was a shy, meek, chubby gal with no direction when I started. I had no sense of style, no fashion sense, no nothing. I sucked. I didn't even really know myself. I was too concerned with what others thought of me and was to scared to do anything. I had no confidence in my abilities in anything, school, work, etc. I was in such a bad place.

The day I started, I knew H&M was different. The employees were nuts but they were all themselves. They knew who they were and expressed it. We used to have this slogan that said, "we allow you to dress your personality." Some people went overboard but this slogan allowed employees to find out what made them happy. I know it sounds silly but fashion is expression and it can be very powerful.

That tiny little Swedish store gave me so much. It gave me the best friends in the world, confidence, and it allowed me to find my path. I moved up in the ranks and was a manager for almost 5 years. I knew that retail was not my passion. The confidence that I found in myself told me that hey, you have way more ability than folding sweaters. Do something!! So I did, and I really have never been happier with my decision.

Working at H&M showed me what i did not want. I did not want a mindless job. I wanted a fulfilling job that I would use my brain. I wanted to be someone.

But, the most important gift H&M gave me, was that I found myself. I found the real nicole. I discovered what I liked and what I wanted to be. I found confidence, happiness and fashion.

I know I would not be woman I am today without H&M and the people I have met while working there. It is apart of me. Its given me a better view of myself and my life. But now, I do not need them any more. I am doing what I want with my life and fulfilling a dream.

Thanks H&M! I am glad I am ending this era on my own. I'm letting go..but I won't forget you. I've grown up and I am okay with that.

Good Day..

2009-03-18T21:38:00.000-04:00

I feel a bit more like me again. I had a great day with great ladies. :) I had two of my favorite humans meet..I think it went well. We shopped, saw beautiful art and walked...almost all my favorite things. We also giggled a lot. Also..we so a ton.A TON! of hotties. that was lovely!

My meh's are not all the way gone but mostly. They are still meandering around but...I can smile heartily and know I am not faking it. I also ate a yummy yummy hummas sangy!!!! It was really really lovely. Also....I saw so many pups today. I saw a black pit bull..it was darling. It just looked so happy and sweet. I need a pup.

I need not to worry about things I cannot control. I can only do what I can do. I need to make that a mantra.

Another tidbit..jenni ate my worst nightmare at dinner today but she enjoyed it. bacon on a burger...eeks!!!

I have to say I know the most wonderful humans. Sometimes, I lose my faith in humans, but this week the people I know where great to me. <3 ladies...and some germs...mostly ladies though...you made my heart feel warm again. i cannot thank you enough.

another tidbit..i need to read more and I think I know what i am going know what I am going to be when I grow up.

what is wrong...

2009-03-14T23:09:00.000-04:00

i am in a funk. I don't know what's wrong. I didn't even really enjoy shopping today. I didn't want to try anything on. I didn't want to even look at my size.

I am just sad. I think I am disappointed in myself. I hate being this weak girl who cries and is emotional but I cannot help it. I want it all but am only succeeding partially, in school.

I see so many life failures and I do not like to fail. I just want to to give up. I am sick of failures. I have no personal life. I work all the time and when I do go out I worry that I am doing school work.

meh...i am sick of complaining. I am trying to change and then I get nothing..

I try to be a good nice person because I know that is the right thing to do....I thought good people were supposed to be rewarded. I should not complain, whatsoever..my life could be a lot worse. I am thankful for the good things.

hopefully, this will blow over.